How To Stop Being A People Pleaser: 15 Tips That Actually Work

15 Steps To Stop Being A People Pleaser

A young woman in a classroom raising her hand, smiling. She has brown hair tied back and is wearing a pink and gray top. Other students are seated around her, some smiling and looking attentive. The room is bright with natural light coming from windows in the background.

Whilst selfishness is not a trait many people admire, people-pleasing is equally as unhealthy. The key is to find a happy medium. Use these 15 tips to help take back control of your life and stop your codependent habits.

1. Work to get to know your true self.

A woman with long brown hair and glasses sits at a wooden table. She is writing in a notebook with a pen, and a bowl of food and a glass cup with tea or another beverage are in front of her. A dresser with a vintage lamp can be seen in the background.

Your first step should be to get to know yourself, your likes, wants, desires, goals, and so on. What do you really think without the noise of other people’s opinions drowning you out? What are your favorite foods? What do you like to do for recreation? What are your values in life? That sort of thing.

Treat this step like you’ve just been introduced to someone new, who you find interesting and you want to get to know better. What questions would you ask them? Write the questions down and answer each one about yourself.

If there are some questions you don’t know the answers to, don’t stress about it. Make a plan to figure it out.

2. Figure out what you need.

A man with short dark hair and a beard leans against a train window, resting his chin on his hand and looking out. His reflection is visible in the glass, showing a thoughtful or pensive expression. The blurred scenery outside the window suggests the train is moving.

Set your goals and priorities and figure out what you need in order to accomplish them. Your goals and priorities are an offshoot of what you value in life. After identifying what your values are, you’ll know what your priorities are.

For example, if you value education, but dropped out of college, it might be time to think about going back.

Perhaps you value your family but are always staying back at work to finish up on extra projects. It’s time to rearrange your schedule and scale back your office time.

Figure out what you need to live a life that is in line with your values. It’ll make it easier to cut out the stuff you don’t need.

3. Recognize that your needs matter too.

A woman with blonde hair sits at a wooden table in a cafe, holding a black coffee cup with a spoon inside. She rests her head on her hand, looking thoughtful with a pensive expression. The background features an exposed brick wall and a beige cushion.

Your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. After ignoring them for so long, it’s time for you to recognize that your needs matter too.

Think about it, how many people consider your needs and wants as much as you do theirs? Probably no one.

If no one is going to show up for you the way you show up for them, then who is taking care of you? You not taking care of your needs doesn’t mean they disappear. They’re just waiting and getting bigger and more urgent by the day.

It’s time for you to stand up for yourself and look after yourself.

4. Notice and challenge negative assumptions.

A man sits beside a woman on a brown leather couch, gently placing his hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner. The woman looks pensive, staring ahead, dressed in a polka dot dress. The scene is set in a cozy room with a wooden background.

Stop assuming someone is angry or unhappy with you just because you told them no or weren’t available to help.

Don’t worry about what other people think and feel about you. Avoid jumping to the conclusion that people won’t like the real you when you haven’t given them the chance to get to know the real you.

Don’t assume that the less than stellar feedback from your boss is a personal attack.

Notice when you have a negative assumption and challenge it. What if your negative assumption is wrong? You would have suffered for no reason.

5. Ask for help.

Two women sit on a brown couch having a serious conversation. The woman on the left, in a light purple dress, looks concerned with her hand on her head. The woman on the right, in a grey dress, holds her hand in a comforting gesture.

Learn to ask for help. You can’t do everything by yourself. Asking for help doesn’t make you any less of a man or a woman.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for help. When you’re running on empty, ask for help.

After all, you’ve stuck your neck out for so many people in the past; they should be willing to extend the same favor to you. If they don’t, maybe they’re busy or prioritizing themselves (as they should).

On the other hand, they could also be revealing that they are takers and not givers, which is something you need to learn how to spot.

6. Learn to say no.

A man sits at a café table, engrossed in his smartphone. The table holds a cup of coffee, a glass of water, an ashtray, a small potted plant, and another glass. Sunlight fills the room through large windows in the background.

This is going to be a difficult one. But if you’ve completed steps two and three from this list, saying no should be a lot easier because it means you’re choosing to say yes to your goals and priorities instead.

But for those who find saying no excruciatingly difficult or selfish, try one of the following tips:

Stall for time before deciding.

Don’t give a response right away. Ask for some time to check your schedule or with your partner or whatever. Just to buy yourself some time. Then use that time to figure out:

a) How much time will this favor take?

b) Do I really want to do this?

c) Do I have time to do it?

d) How stressed am I going to be if I say “yes?”

Remember, your response is about what is convenient for you, not them. So don’t convince yourself to do it because of anything or anyone other than you.

You might say something like:

“Let me get back to you. I need to check my schedule.”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure I’m free then. I’ll check and get back to you.”

“Oh, I think (insert name of partner) has us doing something then, let me check and get back to you.”

Start small.

Turning down a favor may be a little overwhelming for some people, so instead of trying to jump into the deep end of the pool on your first day of swimming lessons, try wading in the kiddie pool first.

Start small. You could even practice with a trusted friend or family member.

Or try saying no to the server that wants to refill your drink when you know you’ve had enough.

Delay for 50 to 100 milliseconds.

According to a 2014 study at Columbia University, you need between 50 to 100 milliseconds of time to pause and make better decisions. So don’t be quick to respond. Pause and give your brain time to focus its attention and think.

Don’t give a bunch of excuses or reasons why you’re saying no.

Keep your no, short, sweet, and simple. Remind yourself that “no” is a full sentence all by its self. You don’t need to explain it.

When you explain or justify your “no” you are giving the other party room to poke holes into your response or rearrange your schedule for you. We already know standing up for yourself is a hard task, so save yourself the headache by saying “no” in a decisive tone.

7. Be assertive.

A woman with blonde hair, wearing a black shirt, sits at an outdoor café table, gesturing expressively with her hands while engaging in conversation. A laptop and a cup of coffee are on the table in front of her. Other patrons are seen in the background.

It’s hard to be assertive, especially for those of us raised in strict households where the adults had the final say. Asserting yourself is often seen as being rude. So, the first step to being assertive is to dissuade yourself from the notion that being assertive is being disrespectful to the other party.

Being assertive is simply being able to stand up for your rights in a calm and positive way. It’s about being able to express your needs and feelings clearly and firmly, without disrespecting or undermining others. Assertiveness doesn’t mean acting in a dominant or violent manner. There’s no need to exchange insults or trade put-downs.

The people who respond negatively when you assert yourself are usually the ones who have been trampling all over you, unnoticed, for a long time.

8. Seek relationships with people who accept you.

Three women, all wearing sunglasses, sit at a table outdoors, laughing and talking. They have drinks in front of them, including iced coffee and water. The atmosphere is bright and relaxed, with blurred background figures adding to the busy cafe setting.

As you go down through this list, it’ll become obvious which relationships need to end and those you need to go low contact with, in case you can’t cut them out of your life completely.

They won’t accept you saying “no” to their requests or will make a big fuss over it, trying to guilt you into changing your mind. Unsurprisingly, they won’t be available to help when you reach out to them. And they’ll take serious exception to any sign of you asserting yourself.

Those are the relationships you need to immediately step back from.

Seek relationships with people who you feel safe enough to be yourself around. Find people who don’t judge you and enjoy your company. If possible, find people who will call you out when they sense you aren’t being authentic.

Maintain healthy relationships that are about give-and-take, where both parties take turns being the giver and the taker. Limit the time you spend with takers who don’t give back to you.

These types of relationships will require you to be authentic and allow people to see the real you. But know that anyone who doesn’t value the real you isn’t worth having in your life. Find your tribe. They’ll accept you with open arms.

9. Learn to tolerate the discomfort of being criticized.

A man in a denim shirt and glasses points to a document on a table while a woman with long hair and a white vest listens attentively. They are working at a desk with a computer, notebook, and coffee cup in an office setting with greenery in the background.

Criticism is hard to stomach, even when it’s delivered gently or meant positively. Accept that you’re a human and not perfect. You will never do everything perfectly. There will always be room for improvement.

Tolerate the discomfort of being criticized. Learn to examine criticism for any merit it may have. Ask yourself, is there any truth to the feedback? If there is, adjust and move on. If there isn’t, ignore and move on. Either way, move on.

There is no way to completely avoid criticism. Some people will be satisfied, others won’t. Be okay with it either way.

10. Accept that not everyone will like you.

Three people in a modern café. A woman with blonde hair stands behind and gestures towards a person in a gray blazer and glasses who looks startled. Another woman in a dark outfit is walking away in the foreground, slightly blurred. Hanging lights and wooden decor are visible.

Not everyone will like you. For those who do like you, you need to accept that not all of them will be happy with you all the time. It’s impossible to never have any kind of conflict with other people.

Even people born to the same parents and raised in the same house have conflict, regularly. And those from various backgrounds and with unique life experiences will definitely have conflicts too.

You’re like fine wine, an acquired taste. Not everyone will understand nor appreciate your rare personality. And that’s okay. You can’t control what they think or feel about you; accept that and be okay with it.

11. Learn to set boundaries.

A woman multitasks, talking on the phone and working on a laptop, while a young girl beside her applies peanut butter to a slice of bread. The scene is set in a kitchen with jars of jam, a green apple, and other kitchen items on the counter.

Establishing boundaries in your relationships helps people know how to treat you or interact with you. Clear boundaries allow people to know what you can and cannot do, what you will and will not accept. It’s basically about teaching people how to treat you.

Toxic people and fake friends will ignore your boundaries, especially if this is coming after years of interacting with you without such restrictions in the past. Don’t let them shame you into going back to your previous behavior.

Be firm in your boundaries. If they cannot accept it, then they cannot remain in your life, because you refuse to continue on as before.

Remember, this is about standing up for yourself and putting you first. Establish healthy boundaries that allow you to take care of yourself before sacrificing for others.

With new relationships, don’t wait too long before establishing boundaries. The longer you wait, the harder it is to establish them.

12. Wait until you’re asked for help.

Two office workers, one woman and one man, are smiling and placing a potted plant on a desk. They are dressed in business attire, with the woman in dark pants and a white blouse and the man in dark trousers and a light shirt. Sunlight streams through large windows behind them.

When someone is discussing a problem with you, don’t immediately jump in to offer help in resolving the matter. Wait. Let them ask you first. At that point, go through the process of deciding whether you’ll be able to.

You’re not Superman/woman. It’s not your job to save everyone. It may surprise you to know that at times, people just want you to listen to them rant. All that may be required of you is an appropriately placed interjection. It’s possible that they are not telling you about their problems in the hope that you’ll sweep in like a superhero to save the day.

By simply waiting to be asked for help, you’ll find your to-do list magically reducing because either they really didn’t need you to rescue them or they’re too embarrassed to ask for help after everything you’ve done for them already.

Either way, you’ll have more time to dedicate to what is truly important to you.

13. Show kindness when you mean it.

Two young men are sitting on a wooden bench on a cobblestone street. One is wearing a navy blue shirt with his arms crossed and facing the other, who is in a grey plaid shirt, engaged in conversation. Both have short hair and are dressed casually in jeans.

Have you ever noticed how often you do things because you feel it’s expected of you or because you don’t want people to get the wrong impression? You’re living your life based on assumptions because there’s really no way for you to know exactly what they think about you or the situation. Maybe they don’t care one way or the other.

Imagine how much free time you’d have if you stopped worrying so much about what others think.

Consider showing kindness when you mean it. What does that look like?

Instead of buying Girl Scout Cookies because of the random little girl you don’t know, why not save your money to donate to a charity that you really believe in.

Rather than spending an afternoon helping an acquaintance move, why not spend it hanging out with your son.

Your church may be volunteering to help in a soup kitchen, but you’d prefer to rescue a puppy from the pound instead or donate clothes to charity.

Don’t agree to help unless you really want to help. Show kindness, not because other people are watching or expect you to. Do it because you want to, because you mean it.

14. Practice putting yourself first.

A woman in pajamas sits by a sunlit window, holding a cup of coffee or tea. She appears relaxed with her eyes closed, basking in the sunlight. The setting looks cozy with wooden walls and snow visible outside the window.

If you have gone through these tips in order, putting yourself first will be much easier than before. Now, you’ll have a reason to put yourself first and the tools to do so.

Putting yourself first is actually one of the best things you could do to help others. In order to help someone else, you must be able to draw out of your well of abundance.

If you want to give money to a friend who is short, you must first have money to take care of yourself and some leftover before you can give them any assistance.

If someone needs your help with their project at work, you first need to have finished all of your work, submitted it on time, and be free before you can take on any additional work.

You can’t help anyone if you haven’t first taken care of yourself. It’s about ensuring you are able to be of assistance.

Haven’t you heard of people who jump into a lake or pool to rescue people who are drowning, only to end up drowning as well? This is almost the same situation. If you know you are not a strong swimmer, don’t try to save them by jumping in after them. The best you can do is make sure you stay alive to yell/call for help or throw them a life jacket and pray for the best.

Don’t set yourself on fire just to warm others.

Finally…

A man wearing a light gray suit, red tie, and glasses is holding a white cup and saucer while looking out of a window with sheer curtains. He stands in a well-lit room, appearing thoughtful and relaxed.

Our people-pleasing habits deny others the opportunity to help, give, and love us back. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t let you give back to them? If you truly care about the person, that kind of disparity leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You end up feeling like a user and that is not a good feeling.

This is aside from the fact that at any point, as you’re struggling to please everyone, you’re battling with anxiety, depression, or stress, sometimes all three at the same time. You’re running on empty fumes, exhausted, resentful, and feeling an immense amount of loneliness.

Somewhere along the road of life, you learned you don’t matter as much as others do or that the right thing to do is to sacrifice yourself for others at all costs. As a result, you feel taken for granted most of the time and unappreciated all the time.

The first person who has to learn to appreciate you is you. You must learn to see your inherent value as a human being. Believe that you’re valuable not because of what you do for others, but because you are a unique individual with a gift the world needs. Only when you value yourself can others learn to value you.