If You're Being Excluded, Ask Yourself These 17 Questions

Humans Are Sociable Creatures

A woman in a red shirt sits at an outdoor cafe, resting her head on her hand and looking down at her smartphone with a pensive expression. There are blurred buildings and greenery in the background.

We thrive because we create strong group bonds, and we survived on the Savanna because we banded together and protected one another.

Whilst that’s a very simplistic view of human evolution, it helps explain why it feels so horrible when a group that we feel we should belong to doesn’t include us.

No man or woman is an island. You’re part of all kinds of social groups, whether you’re conscious of it or not.

And there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being included. Feeling welcomed and at home in a group is a wonderful sensation.

On the other hand, being excluded can make you feel sad, angry, nervous, anxious, or a whole cocktail of other emotions. It can turn a good day into a bad one and affect your self-esteem.

As it’s an experience that most of us have when we’re children, the feeling of exclusion can make us regress and react to the situation in a pretty child-like manner.

So, it’s important to be equipped with the tools to confront situations like these in a healthy manner, and exploring the answers to these 17 questions will help you do just that.

1. Who’s leaving you out?

A man with a serious expression is sitting alone at a café table, resting his chin on his hand. In the background, a group of people are conversing and laughing. The café has a casual atmosphere with dim lighting and blurred details.

Exactly who is it that’s making you feel this way? Is it a whole group, or just certain members of it?

2. What makes you think that?

Three women are sitting at a table in a cafe, engaging in conversation. The woman on the left is gesturing with her hand while holding a white cup. They are calmly discussing something, and the background shows a warmly lit cafe environment.

What exactly is it that has made you feel that you’re being excluded?

Have you been left out of a specific event, like not getting an invite to a party that everyone else seems to be going to?

Or has it been a succession of small things that have built up to make you feel like you’re not being included?

Is it just a nagging feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on?

3. Has anything been said overtly, or is it implied?

A person with dreadlocks sits alone at a table, looking at their phone. They seem disinterested in the surroundings. In the background, a group of people are engaged in conversation and laughter while drinking at another table.

Has anyone actually come out and said something that makes it clear that you’re intentionally being left out?

4. Could it have been a mistake?

A woman with short, tied-back hair gazes thoughtfully out of a window. She is wearing a grey sweater and has her hand resting on the window frame. Green foliage is visible outside the window, suggesting it is daytime.

Are you sure you’ve been left out deliberately, or could it have just slipped someone’s mind, or the text message or invitation never got sent?

5. How long has this been going on for?

A man wearing a black hooded rain jacket stands outside in the rain. His hood is up, with wet hair peeking out. The expression on his face is neutral or slightly solemn. The blurred background suggests a rainy urban setting.

Is this something that’s been going on for a while or is this something you’ve only experienced recently? What’s changed?

6. Are you overreacting?

Two young women are sitting at a wooden picnic table outside in a wooded area. One woman with long hair and a pink top is talking, while the other with blonde hair and a blue scarf is listening attentively. Sunlight filters through the trees, casting a warm glow.

Your feelings and your response to them might well be completely justified, but you might also be making a mountain out of a molehill.

Is your reaction to what has happened a reasonable one, or are your insecurities or paranoias making you respond badly to the situation?

7. If it’s deliberate, what is the reason?

A woman with long dark hair and a plaid sweater sits alone at a bar, resting her face on her hand and looking pensive. In the background, a group of three women are enjoying themselves, smiling, and holding drinks. The setting appears to be a lively bar.

If you’ve established that it’s not just a misunderstanding, reflect on why you think it is.

Is it a result of something that you’ve done, or is it someone else’s problem?

Is it to do with power dynamics within a group? Is someone trying to maintain control over a situation?

Is someone going to be there that you have a difficult relationship with? Is another member of the group trying to save you from an awkward situation?

Be honest with yourself and admit if there’s anything in your behavior that could prompt those around you to react negatively.

Don’t always jump to the worst conclusion, but think about extenuating circumstances that might have led people to believe that it’d be best not to include you on this occasion… for everyone’s benefit.

8. Is there anyone you can talk to for support?

A blonde woman with a top bun wearing a blue shirt comforting another blonde woman with a similar hairstyle in a light pink shirt. They are standing close with the older woman gently holding the younger woman's shoulders, both looking at each other.

You don’t need to deal with these feelings on your own.

Is there someone whose advice you could ask for who isn’t directly connected to the situation and who could give you their perspective on things?

9. Would it help to write it down?

A person with curly hair, wearing a black lace-up top, sits at a desk writing on paper with a pen. A coffee cup is placed on the desk in front of them. There's a window and some plants in the background.

If you struggle to verbalize your feelings to someone else, perhaps getting it down on paper might help.

Vent all your feelings and frustrations and articulate just what it is about the situation that’s bothering you.

10. Did you really want to be included anyway?

A young woman with curly hair stands by a calm river, with a bridge blurred in the background. She is wearing a dark coat over a patterned shirt and looks directly at the camera. The overall scene is serene and slightly overcast.

Be honest with yourself. Do you really want to be part of that clique at work?

Did you really want to go to that party anyway?

Admitting that you aren’t actually all that interested can help you to figure out why it’s still bothering you so much.

11. How can you reframe the situation?

A young woman with long hair sits at a wooden picnic table outdoors, engrossed in reading a book. She is wearing a light-colored shirt, and the background features lush green trees and grass, suggesting a serene and peaceful park setting.

Every cloud has a silver lining and all that jazz. It’s time to turn the situation on its head.

Perhaps being excluded by certain people will make you realize who your true friends really are and make you value them more.

Perhaps you can spend the time you would’ve wasted at an event you’d really rather not be at on a new hobby.

12. If it was unintentional, can you speak to the people involved?

A girl sits alone on outdoor steps, looking distressed, while three standing people face each other nearby. The seated girl wears a green jacket and jeans. The standing individuals wear casual clothes and backpacks, their faces are not shown.

People make mistakes. If you think you might have been left out unintentionally, you could always just ask.

It might be a slightly awkward conversation, but if you’re finding yourself ruminating on the reasons why, do yourself a favor and ask so you can clear the air and move on.

13. How can you learn from the situation?

A man with a bald head and beard sits at a table, clutching his head in frustration or despair. Around him are several empty, half-empty, and full bottles, suggesting a setting of distress or overconsumption. The background includes household items and plants.

Every negative experience is a chance to grow. How can you learn from what has happened to prevent it from happening in the future?

14. Are you holding a grudge?

A young woman with long blonde hair sips from a white coffee cup while seated indoors near a large window with horizontal blinds. She is wearing a black and white striped shirt and looking pensively outside. The background shows a cafe interior with tables and chairs.

The only person who is going to be affected by you holding a grudge is you.

Don’t harbor bad feelings toward the people that have excluded you. Take what you can from the situation, forgive them, and move on.

Tomorrow is another day.

15. Is this an opportunity to expand your social horizons?

Two men, dressed in vintage athletic attire, stand on a clay tennis court shaking hands and laughing. One wears a black and white jacket, the other in a red jacket. Both hold wooden tennis rackets. The background features a chair umpire stand and greenery.

Is this a blessing in disguise?

This feeling of exclusion might be what drives you to go out and find new friends or to reach out to different people at work.

16. How can you be less reliant on others for your happiness?

A young man with shoulder-length curly hair and wearing a green beanie and red jacket smiles at the camera while taking a selfie outdoors. The background reveals an expansive, sunlit landscape of rocky terrain and a distant horizon.

If the actions of others are making you unhappy, what might you do to become more emotionally independent?

Feeling left out or excluded shows that you are putting conditions on your emotional well-being. Namely, the condition that a certain person or group accepts and includes you.

Is this something that you can work on to lessen the impact of similar circumstances in future?

17. Could you be the instigator in future?

A woman with curly hair, wearing a sleeveless orange top, is smiling while looking at her smartphone. She is seated in a cozy, dimly lit room with patterned wallpaper and soft furniture.

If you’re always waiting for other people to suggest things, and never take the initiative yourself, it’s inevitable that they’ll stop asking one day.

What plan could you make with your family, your friendship group, or your work mates that will include everyone?

The more you include other people, the more other people will start to include you.

Remember: You’re Worth More

A man sits at a café table, engrossed in his smartphone. The table holds a cup of coffee, a glass of water, an ashtray, a small potted plant, and another glass. Sunlight fills the room through large windows in the background.

Always remember that even if you’re feeling excluded in a certain situation or context, you have an awful lot to give and should never be made to feel less-than.

You shouldn’t be wasting your time trying to make certain people include you, but focusing your energies on building genuine relationships and including others instead.