If your relationship lacks intimacy, stop making these 12 mistakes

Stop doing these things if your relationship lacks intimacy.

A woman and a man lie on a bed, propping their heads on their hands and looking away in opposite directions with contemplative expressions. They appear to be in a bright, airy room with white bedding and a large window in the background.

Your relationship lacks something.

That something is physical intimacy and/or an emotional connection.

Perhaps you feel unsatisfied and unhappy, and are questioning the very foundations of the bond you have with your partner.

Whilst there are any number of things that can go wrong in a committed, long-term relationship or marriage, problems with intimacy and connection are very common.

That doesn’t make them any less painful to live through, but it should also point to the fact that they can be overcome.

Truth is, many couples who experience a lack of physical or emotional intimacy at some stage of their relationship go on to make things work in the long run.

They find ways to rediscover and rebuild that connection.

And you can too.

If you would like to put the spark back into your relationship and regain some of the intimacy and connection that seems to have been lost, what can you do?

Well, to start with, you can follow this advice:

1. Stop with the impossibly high expectations.

A woman with short red hair and a man with short brown hair sit in bed under white blankets, facing away from each other and looking upset. The woman sits with her arms crossed, while the man rests his arms on the bed. Both have neutral blue and white attire.

I know that doesn’t sound good. It makes it sound like I’m telling you to simply settle for the hand you’ve been dealt. But that’s not what I mean.

I don’t mean that your expectations should be low, per se, but they definitely shouldn’t be unrealistically high, either.

It’s important to remember that your physical relationship will probably never have quite the spark that it did when you first met.

That’s all down to pesky hormones that go crazy when you’re experiencing that first hit of love and lust, but naturally settle down a little once you’ve transitioned into a committed relationship.

After all, if we constantly lived in the state of restlessness that new love induces, we’d never get anything done.

If you expect it to be just as wild and passionate as it was when you first met, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.

You may well experience moments that hark back to the days when you were first getting to know each other, and you’ll continue to discover new things about each other as you both grow and your bodies and tastes change, but you can’t expect your physical relationship to go on being earth-shattering for years on end.

It’s also important not to let the idea that the media like to perpetuate (that if you don’t have a revolutionary bedroom routine then you’re some kind of failure) affect you.

You shouldn’t be aiming for a physical relationship that meets those crazy standards, but rather one that makes you happy, that’s based on a true connection with and understanding of your partner.

You should also be keeping realistic expectations of the emotional intimacy too, because some people find that sort of connection more difficult than others.

Though it’s not always the case, men typically find emotional intimacy more of a challenge than women.

Understanding this and accepting it to some extent will allow you to be more reasonable in your beliefs of what an intimate relationship should look like.

2. Stop avoiding the conversation.

A woman and a man, both middle-aged, sit on a bed facing away from each other, looking pensive and distant. The room has a white brick wall, a painting, and some plants. Sunlight streams in, creating a stark, contemplative atmosphere.

I know you already know how important communication is, but when it comes to tricky topics like physical intimacy, you might have been hoping that you wouldn’t have to sit down and have the big conversation about it.

However, sitting down together and having a discussion about how you’ve been feeling with regards to the physical intimacy and connection in your relationship really is the first step toward solving the problem.

You need to know that you’re both on the same page, that neither partner blames the other, and that you’re both committed to working on it.

Something that’s key here is to never have this conversation after you’ve been intimate with one another, as that’s a time when you’re both feeling a little vulnerable and, with all those hormones rushing around, emotions can easily run high.

3. Stop trying to fix things alone.

A close-up of a therapist's hands holding a pen and notepad, gesturing while speaking. In the background, a couple sits on a couch, attentively listening with their hands placed on their laps. The setting appears to be a counseling or therapy session.

Sometimes, a couple’s communication might not be quite good enough for them to simply sit down and talk about their issues.

In many cases, having a third party present can help to address the trouble a man and woman (or any combination thereof) might be having.

A relationship therapist can lead the conversation to the most relevant issues, keep things on track if they start to go off topic, and act as a mediator in case of disagreements.

And they can provide specific advice to address the particular issues a couple may be facing.

Often, it will take multiple sessions over a period of time, but the results can often justify the investment.

4. Stop putting so much emphasis on the bedroom.

A woman and a man lie on the grass, holding hands. The woman, with her head resting on his arm, gazes thoughtfully at the sky while the man looks upward. Sunlight filters through the greenery, casting soft light on their faces and the surrounding grass.

Physical intimacy isn’t all about getting between the sheets. Things such as holding hands, making proper eye contact, touching their arm, or hugging are just as, if not more, important.

It’s those tiny gestures that you make on a daily basis that let your partner know that you really care and keep the connection strong.

5. Stop neglecting the romance.

A man in a suit and tie smiles as a woman feeds him a spoonful of dessert. They are seated at a table in what appears to be a restaurant with a view of the city. A bouquet of red roses and a glass of red wine are on the table.

Romance isn’t about flashy gestures. It’s about enjoying the beauty in life and each other’s company at the same time.

Busy as I’m sure you are, it’s important to carve out some time for each other, and show your partner that you’ve genuinely put some thought in.

Take a little extra time to cook them a special meal, just because. Get creative and think outside the box. Take your partner for a picnic at a spot with a view. Watch the sunset. Show them that you’re happy just spending time in their company, and want to make memories.

6. Stop sticking strictly to a routine.

Two people sitting closely on the floor with their legs extended. Both are wearing light-colored socks and casual clothing. The focus is on their sock-covered feet. A gray carpet and part of a bed with a quilted blanket are visible in the background.

Those examples of romantic gestures are just some of the ways that you can interrupt the pattern your life has gotten into.

A routine brings with it many benefits, especially when life is hectic with kids or other duties that need to be taken care of.

But a routine also allows you to coast through life without really paying attention to what’s happening. It’s an autopilot of sorts.

In terms of a relationship, you might not even realize that the emotional and physical intimacy has dwindled.

So, take as many opportunities as you can to break with your routine and do things that are new and different. Or, at least, things that you don’t do very often.

Visit new places together, try new activities, meet new people as a couple, expand your cultural horizons…

…do anything that makes you and your partner notice each other again instead of drifting through life as mere co-passengers.

Emotional intimacy is sure to grow again once you escape the monotony of a routine-driven life.

7. Stop spending all your time together.

A woman with long blonde hair wearing sunglasses and a striped shirt stands confidently outdoors. She has one hand in the pocket of her blue jeans. In the background, there is a modern building with large windows and a patio area. The sky is partly cloudy.

As much as doing new things together can bring the two of you closer, you should also take some time to do things apart.

This is especially helpful if you and your partner spend almost all of your free time together. You may believe that this is a sign of a loving relationship, but space and freedom to pursue things on your own is vital for each person’s emotional well-being.

It gives you time to miss each other and makes you appreciate what you have when you return to it.

And it takes the pressure off in terms of being in each other’s pockets all the time.

8. Stop waiting for them to open up first.

A man and woman are sitting on a brown leather couch in a modern, bright room. The man with gray hair and beard is speaking and gesturing with his hands while the blonde woman listens attentively. They both appear to be having a serious conversation.

Often, when one partner begins to close off his or her emotions slightly, the other person follows suit.

It’s an almost natural reaction. We tend to mirror those around us, and if our partner gives less emotionally, we give less back in return.

It’s the same with any form of emotional expression (or non-expression). Anger breeds anger. Joy breeds joy. Sadness breeds sadness.

The solution is to open yourself back up again and let your partner see this and mirror you in turn.

You have to remove any walls that you have built and keep displaying your emotions and love for them as much as possible.

By offering your emotional warmth to them, your partner will feel less anxious about the relationship and more able to open up once again.

Make a safe space for your partner to truly be themselves around you and the emotional intimacy and connection will follow naturally.

And this almost always leads to greater physical intimacy too.

9. Stop dismissing their efforts.

A man and woman are sitting on a gray couch in a modern living room, having an animated conversation. Both have raised hands and expressive gestures, indicating a heated discussion. The woman holds a tissue, and both appear emotionally engaged.

As and when your partner shows hints of vulnerability by expressing their emotions or opening up in some other way, show that you appreciate this effort and be wholly positive about the experience.

Your partner needs to understand that you will support them no matter how difficult the process may be.

The more they see that they are not in this alone, and the safer they feel opening up, the further they will push their emotional boundaries.

Try to let them go at their own pace. If they have been emotionally withdrawn for a while or if they have been like that for as long as you have known them, it will take a while for them to gain enough confidence in their ability to be emotionally close to you.

10. Stop neglecting self-care.

A person with eyes closed relaxes in a bubble bath, surrounded by sunlight streaming through white blinds. There is a green plant in a white pot next to the bathtub, creating a serene and peaceful atmosphere.

In the modern world, with advertising and Instagram, there’s an awful lot of pressure to look a certain way, so I’m certainly not going to add to that.

Beauty is not one-size-fits-all, and you shouldn’t be trying to match up to unrealistic standards.

However, rejecting beauty standards doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look after yourself.

Taking a little bit of extra care over the way you dress and your personal grooming can make a huge difference, as if you don’t feel attractive, then you’re likely to transmit that to your partner.

After all, as we’ve all been told many times, it’s difficult to accept love from someone else if you don’t love yourself.

Do things that make you feel good, whether that’s as simple as taking time for yourself, having a bath, booking a spa day, eating food so nourishing it leaves you bursting with energy, or exercising in a way that leaves you feeling fabulous.

Exercise isn’t about achieving a certain body type, as fit comes in all shapes and sizes. Exercising means you’ll have more energy and generally a more optimistic outlook on life, which is attractive in anyone’s book.

When you look in the mirror, focus on the things you love, rather than the things you might change.

At the same time, make sure you support your partner when they’re doing things for themselves, and don’t forget to tell them how beautiful they are, inside and out.

11. Stop increasing your stress levels.

A woman with long hair is standing against a light blue background. She is wearing a beige sleeveless top and blue jeans. Her hands are on her head, her brows are furrowed, and she has a frustrated expression on her face.

It’s hard to connect with your partner when all you can think about is the pile of work waiting on your desk the next morning, or when you are constantly checking your work emails.

Chances are your partner knows you better than anyone, so they’ll be able to tell a mile off when you’re not really in the room with them.

All areas of your life will improve when you’re not stressed, not just your connection with your partner. You ought to make it a priority.

Let off steam through exercise and find an activity that helps you calm your hectic mind, whether that’s yoga, journaling, meditation, or just reading a good book.

You owe it to your partner to be fully present when you’re with them and give them all the attention they deserve.

12. Stop being impatient for change.

A couple with tattoos cuddles on a couch covered by a gray blanket. The woman with short pink hair is resting her head on the man's chest, who has a beard and short hair. They appear relaxed, surrounded by a cozy living room setting with soft lighting.

Good things come to those who wait. Make a conscious effort to put the tips above into practice in your relationship, but don’t expect instant results. With time and patience, that intimacy you’re craving will flourish once again.

And you’ll probably find that one type of intimacy leads to another. So if it’s easier to begin with the more physical side of things (and we’re not just talking in the bedroom), then do that.

Or if you want to grow the emotional side of things first to help address the physical distance between you, that approach should also work.