14 Behaviors That Reveal Someone Is Emotionally Blackmailing You

Do You Recognize These Behaviors?

A woman with long blonde hair rests her head on a man's shoulder while sitting on a grassy field. The man, wearing a white T-shirt, faces away from the camera. Warm sunlight illuminates the scene, evoking a serene and intimate moment.

Emotional blackmail is a tactic the people closest to us can use to hurt and manipulate us, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Emotional blackmail is when someone uses our weaknesses, secrets, and vulnerabilities against us to get exactly what they want from us.

We can be emotionally blackmailed by our partner, parents, children, siblings, friends, colleagues, or anyone we’re close to without ever realizing what’s going on…

…or, as if often the case, not wanting to admit to ourselves what’s happening.

We’re going to focus on romantic relationships, but emotional blackmail of the types described below can apply to any kind of relationship.

Here are 14 signs and tactics of emotional blackmail. If you recognize them, there’s a good chance your partner (or someone else) is manipulating you.

1. They FOG you.

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Psychotherapist Dr. Susan Forward devised the acronym FOG to sum up the strategies that manipulators typically use – Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.

A manipulator can use all of these three kinds of strategies at once, or rely on just one or two of them.

A person can tap into their partner’s fears (perhaps about the relationship ending), trigger their feelings of obligation (perhaps reminding them that they’re the breadwinner in the family), or make them feel guilty (by laying their problems entirely at their partner’s door).

They do this using the knowledge they’ve gained over the years about what makes their partner tick.

Being aware of these strategies and how they are used in emotional blackmail can help you to identify behavior you might not have otherwise recognized as manipulative.

Let’s take a closer look at the individual FOG strategies and how they are used in different blackmailing techniques.

2. They create fear.

woman wagging finger to threaten someone

Fear is a reaction designed to protect us, triggering physical responses that get us ready for ‘fight or flight’ when we find ourselves in threatening situations.

Those situations don’t necessarily have to be physically dangerous. We can feel fearful about losing the ones we love or harm coming to them.

Sometimes, it’s just fear of the unknown that manipulators play on.

There are all kinds of fears that can be used to hold people hostage, such as fear of abandonment, fear of upsetting someone, fear of confrontation, fear of tricky situations, and fear for your own physical safety.

3. They use obligation.

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We often feel obliged to the people around us because, as human beings, a strong sense of community is a large part of what has enabled our species to be so successful.

There’s safety in numbers, and we all want to be included in the group. To be accepted, we’ve always had certain obligations to fulfill.

Manipulators can use different strategies to remind us of those obligations, pushing the buttons that make us feel duty-bound to do what they want.

A parent might remind a child of the sacrifices they’ve made for them and tell them they’re being ungrateful.

A partner might claim that they would do whatever it is they have asked you to do if the roles were reversed.

A manipulator might accuse a friend of being selfish.

4. They try to make you feel guilty.

A man in a checkered shirt sits on a grey couch, hands clasped together in a pleading gesture, speaking to a woman with long blonde hair in a denim shirt and jeans. She sits on the same couch, arms crossed, looking away with a displeased expression.

Guilt is very much linked to obligation.

If we don’t do something we think we’re obliged to do, we tend to experience guilt, or feel like we deserve to be punished in some way.

It’s pretty easy to trigger guilt in someone, for all kinds of reasons.

We can be made to feel guilty for something we’ve done to upset someone, for our selfishness, or for not doing our share of the work in a relationship.

We can be guilt-tripped for working too much, for spending too much, for spending time with other people, or even just being happy or enjoying ourselves when the other person is low or going through a hard time.

Now you’re familiar with the FOF tactic, let’s see how it’s used in different types of blackmail.

5. They threaten punishments and consequences.

A man and a woman are standing in a bright room, engaged in a heated conversation. The man has an expressive gesture with one hand extended, while the woman is gesturing with both hands. They appear to be in a dining area with a table set in the background.

This kind of blackmailer knows how to punish you, and doesn’t hesitate to make bold statements telling you what the consequences will be if you were to do (or not do) a particular thing.

The strategy they play on most is fear.

The punishment they inflict might be anything from withholding affection and ending the relationship, to restricting you from seeing other important people in your life, to financial penalties.

Emotional blackmail can also be based on the threat of physical punishment and abuse.

6. They threaten self-punishment.

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Some manipulative people may employ the tactic of punishing (or threatening to punish) themselves, knowing that it will make their partner suffer.

Their main weapon of attack is guilt (or the prospect of the guilt you would face if the manipulator followed through on their threats), but they also try to trigger fear (that someone you care for will come to harm).

Examples of this can include threatening to hurt themselves should you leave them or claiming that your behavior will make them depressed should you persist with it.

7. They use their suffering against you.

A woman with grey hair looks away with a serious expression, sitting on a couch. In the background, a man with grey hair and wearing a checkered shirt gestures with his hand as he talks, appearing frustrated. The setting is a well-lit living room.

Sufferers hold their misery over their partner’s head as a way of getting them to do what they want.

They might claim that their illness or mental state is the fault of the other person, or tell their partner that if they don’t do what they want then they will suffer as a result.

They rely on a mixture of fear (that their well-being will suffer), obligation (they’re unwell so you must help them), and guilt (that you’d feel bad if they did suffer) to get their way.

They sometimes expect their partner to be able to figure out what’s wrong with them without having to be told… “if you really loved me, you’d know.”

8. They tantalize.

A close-up shot of a woman with long blonde hair and light skin, looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression. She is partially obscured by a man next to her, whose face is not fully visible. The background is dark and the lighting is dramatic.

Whereas all the other types of emotional blackmail are more ‘stick’ methods, this is the ‘carrot’ method.

This is promising some kind of reward, whether tangible or intangible. Although the reward will rarely ever materialize.

Fear (of missing out on the reward), obligation (they have asked nicely and are even offering a reward), and guilt (you’ll feel bad for saying no) will all probably be involved to some extent.

They ask you to do something in return for something else, but it’s usually not a fair trade.

Whilst some manipulators will only rely on one of the 3 strategies and fall into one of these 4 categories (the one they find most effective), some will switch between them, pushing all your buttons until they get their way.

If you’re in a relationship with a serial emotional blackmailer, then reading the above might have set off a few alarm bells.

Perhaps you’re still not sure, or the manipulation isn’t blatantly obvious. Here are some more subtle signs you need to look out for too.

9. They boast.

A woman with long brown hair and wearing a brown cardigan is seated outdoors, looking attentively towards a bald man in a blue shirt whose back is to the camera. They appear to be engaged in a conversation. A blurred fence and greenery are visible in the background.

People who are manipulative tend to be quite outspoken about just how wonderful they are… because they really believe it!

If someone seems to lack proper modesty, that’s a big warning sign.

10. They like the sound of their own voice.

A woman with long blonde hair sits at a table in a coffee shop, looking stressed and resting her temples on her hands. She appears to be in a serious conversation with a man, who is facing away from the camera. Blurred background of the cafe interior.

They don’t just boast, but they talk a lot, dominating conversations, just as they try to dominate their partner.

They’re not a good listener at all.

11. They’re not good at taking advice/criticism.

A man and a woman sit back-to-back on the floor, both appearing upset. The man, with a beard and wearing a gray sweater, looks away with arms crossed. The woman, in a white knitted sweater, leans forward with one hand on her forehead, looking distressed.

Deep down they’re pretty insecure themselves, even though they prey on the insecure and vulnerable.

They tend to see any advice given to them as an insult to their intelligence rather than what it is.

And lord help you if you try to criticize them, even if you believe it is constructive feedback.

12. They criticize others and downplay their successes.

A woman with long hair is sitting and looking down thoughtfully, while a man sits behind her, glancing in her direction with a hand on his neck. Both appear to be indoors with a bright, softly lit background.

They don’t want other people to look better than them, so they make it their mission to discredit the things that other people say.

They also can’t bear to see other people succeeding and thriving when they’re not, especially a partner, and they struggle to hide their jealousy.

Basically, it’s all about them.

13. They blow hot and cold.

A smiling elderly woman with short blonde hair and a younger man with short brown hair are having a friendly conversation in a bright kitchen. The woman is wearing a striped blue shirt, and the man is in a light blue shirt. Kitchen items are visible in the background.

Everything’s hunky dory whilst they’re getting their way, but if it looks like the winds are changing or they’re experiencing resistance from their partner, they can go from zero to mad in seconds flat.

They’re only happy when they manage to manipulate things just the way they want to, and they use those volatile mood swings as a way of keeping their partner on their toes.

14. You just know deep down.

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Much as you might try to lie to yourself or find it difficult to admit your suspicions to your friends or family, you know deep down when the person you’re with is toying with your emotions to get what they want.

Listen to those persistent niggling feelings in the pit of your stomach and you can’t go too far wrong.

Finally: light pressure isn’t always blackmail

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It’s important to note, that in any relationship, give and take is normal and healthy. Demands will sometimes be made of you. The occasional light bit of emotional blackmail is, unfortunately, par for the course in the majority of relationships.

It’s important to be able to disagree but then come to a compromise together, and you will sometimes have to do things you perhaps wouldn’t choose to do.

But you do them anyway for the good of your relationship and for the person you love.

After all, if it’s always your way or the highway, then you need to consider the fact that the emotional blackmailer in your relationship might actually be you.

But there is a line here. Giving in to whatever your partner wants shouldn’t become the norm, especially when it’s about things that really matter to you.

A true manipulator consistently ignores the other person’s wants and needs in favor of their own and doesn’t see the rights of the other person as important.

They like having a partner in their life that they can control and they aren’t interested in any of the compromise that a healthy relationship involves.