15 Phrases You Should Never Say To An Autistic Person

1. “You don’t look autistic.”

A woman with wavy hair wearing a grey blazer is gesturing with one hand while looking at a man with short dark hair and a red shirt. They appear to be engaged in a conversation in a well-lit room with a blurred background.

Ah, the classic “You don’t look autistic.” How do you expect an autistic person to look? Should they be carrying a flashing sign? Autism affects each person differently. There’s no one-size-fits-all “look.” There’s a well-known expression that goes, “Once you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.” So stop basing your views of autism on Rain Man and Sheldon from The Big Bang.

Remember, autism is a spectrum. Each autistic person has unique traits and characteristics, just like everyone else.

2. “Everyone’s a little autistic.”

A woman and a man sit across from each other at a table in a modern café, engaged in conversation. Both have coffee cups in front of them, along with papers and a tablet. The woman holds her cup, and the man gestures with his hands while holding his glasses.

Sure, you might share some autistic traits, but that doesn’t make you autistic. It’s like being pregnant, you’re either pregnant or you’re not. Just because you have lower back pain and need to pee a lot in the night, doesn’t make you a little bit pregnant.

This phrase oversimplifies a complex neurological difference and ignores the challenges many autistic people face daily.

Autism is a specific neurotype, not a set of traits everyone possesses to some degree. You’re either autistic or you’re not. And if you really think you possess these traits, perhaps you’re not as neurotypical as you thought.

3. “But autism only affects boys”

Two women are engaged in conversation outdoors. The woman on the left, with dark hair tied back, is facing another woman who has a curly hair, dressed in a white coat and a red knitted hat. The background is slightly blurred, hinting at an urban setting.

Autism affects people of all genders, not just boys. While it’s true that autism has historically been diagnosed more frequently in males, this doesn’t mean that females and non-binary individuals can’t be autistic. In fact, many autistic women and non-binary people go undiagnosed, receive incorrect diagnoses, or are diagnosed later in life because their traits may present differently or be masked.

Assuming that autism only affects boys can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for support.

Instead of perpetuating this outdated stereotype, focus on understanding and appreciating the diverse experiences of all autistic people.

4. “You must be high-functioning.”

Two women standing and shaking hands in a bright, modern hallway. One woman, with long dark hair and dressed in a beige blazer, is smiling. The other woman, with long blonde hair, is seen from the back, wearing a white shirt and dark skirt.

This phrase can be hurtful and dismissive to autistic people. It implies a false hierarchy within the autism spectrum and ignores the diverse experiences of individuals.

The term “high-functioning” oversimplifies the complex nature of autism. It fails to acknowledge the unique challenges and strengths each person faces. An autistic person might have low support needs in one situation, and high support needs in another. It can also vary greatly from day to day.

Using such labels can lead to misunderstandings and inadequate support. And who wants to be described as low-functioning? Just because someone has high support needs doesn’t mean they don’t have skills, talents, and much to offer to the world.

It’s better to focus on an individual’s specific needs and abilities rather than making assumptions based on perceived functioning levels.

5. “Can’t you just learn to behave normally?”

Two women sit at a table in a cozy setting, engaged in an intense conversation. The woman on the left has red hair, is wearing a gray sweater, and gestures expressively. The woman on the right has dark hair, appears frustrated, and rests her hand on her head. They have coffee drinks in front of them.

Asking this is like asking a cat to bark. Autism is a neurological difference, not a choice or something that can be changed through willpower.

Asking an autistic person to “behave normally” disregards their unique perspective and strengths. It can lead to masking, where autistic individuals hide their true selves to fit in, which is mentally and emotionally exhausting and causes them serious harm.

Instead of demanding conformity, it’s better to embrace neurodiversity and create inclusive environments that accommodate various ways of thinking and behaving.

6. “Are you sure you’re autistic?”

A woman with long dark hair is sitting at a table with a serious expression, hands clasped near her mouth. She wears a white shirt and has a drink with an orange slice on the rim in front of her. She appears to be listening intently to another person.

Autism presents differently in each individual, and many autistic individuals learn to mask their traits from a young age.

Receiving an autism diagnosis often involves extensive evaluation by professionals. It’s not something people claim lightly or without careful consideration.

Trust that autistic people know themselves best. If they’ve shared their diagnosis, believe them and offer support rather than doubt.

7. “It’s just a phase.”

Dismissing autism as a temporary condition can be hurtful and invalidating. Autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental difference, not something a person grows out of.

This phrase minimizes the experiences and challenges faced by autistic people. It implies their autism is not real or significant, which can be deeply frustrating.

Recognizing autism as a permanent part of someone’s identity is important for fostering understanding and respect. Instead of dismissing it, offering support and acceptance is more helpful.

8. “You must be good at math.”

Not all autistic people are math whizzes. This phrase perpetuates a common stereotype about autistic individuals. Autism is a spectrum, and autistic people have diverse interests and abilities. Some may indeed be talented in math, while others struggle with it.

Assuming someone’s skills based on their autism diagnosis can be frustrating and dismissive of their unique qualities. It’s best to avoid making generalizations and instead get to know each person. No two autistic people are the same.

9. “You don’t seem autistic to me.”

Two women are sitting at a wooden table in a bright cafe, engaged in conversation. One has long blonde hair, wearing a blue shirt, holding a black coffee cup. The other, with light blonde hair in a ponytail, wears a plaid shirt. A potted plant and pastries are on the table.

Here we go again. Whether someone appears autistic to you is irrelevant. You are not an expert (presumably), and if you were, you’d know that autism is a spectrum, and presentations vary widely. Many autistic people learn to mask their traits in social situations, so of course they don’t seem autistic to you!

Saying this invalidates the challenges they face daily. It’s better to listen and learn about their individual experiences with autism.

10. “Have you tried not being autistic?”

A woman stands outside holding a smartphone in one hand, appearing thoughtful. She is wearing a light blue button-up shirt and has shoulder-length dark hair. The background includes blurred buildings and greenery.

This phrase is as useful as asking someone if they’ve tried not having brown eyes. Autism is a neurodevelopmental difference that affects how a person perceives and interacts with the world. It’s not something that can be changed through willpower or effort. And to try to is extremely harmful to their mental and physical health.

Suggesting that someone should try not being autistic is as illogical as asking someone to try not having any other inherent trait or condition. It also completely negates the unique experiences and strengths autistic people can bring to the world.

11. “You’re just being difficult.”

Two men sit at a table in a cafe, talking over coffee. One man, wearing glasses and a blue shirt, gestures with his hand, while the other man, in a white shirt, listens attentively. The background shows a blurred view of buildings through the large window.

This phrase dismisses the real challenges autistic people face. It implies their needs or behaviors are intentional or manipulative. Autistic individuals often struggle with sensory processing, communication, and neurotypical social interactions.

What may seem like stubbornness could be genuine difficulty adapting to changes or processing information. Using this phrase can make autistic individuals feel misunderstood and invalidated. It’s important to approach situations with empathy and seek to understand their perspective.

12. “It’s all in your head.”

A man and a woman are sitting on a teal couch, engaged in a conversation. The man, with a beard, is wearing a light blue shirt, while the woman, with long brown hair, is wearing a beige sweater. She has an open hand gesture, indicating she is speaking.

This phrase is like telling someone with a headache that it’s all in their head—technically true but not helpful. Autism is a neurological difference with tangible effects on daily life.

Saying this can make autistic individuals feel misunderstood and invalidated. It’s important to recognize that autism affects how people perceive and interact with the world around them.

Instead of dismissing their experiences, offering support and understanding is more helpful. Acknowledging the unique perspectives of autistic individuals fosters better communication and relationships.

13. “But everyone does that.”

A woman with dark hair tied back is holding a cup and listening attentively to another person in the foreground who is also holding a cup. They appear to be having a conversation outdoors with green foliage and trees in the background.

This phrase dismisses the unique experiences of autistic individuals. It minimizes their struggles and overlooks the fact that certain behaviors may be more challenging or frequent for them.

Comparing autistic individuals to neurotypical people can be hurtful and invalidating. Each person’s journey is different, and what comes easily to some may be difficult for others.

Instead of using this phrase, it’s better to listen and offer support.

And if you really think “everyone does that”, perhaps you need to consider whether you too, may be autistic.

14. “You make eye contact, so you can’t be autistic.”

A blonde woman in a pink shirt is talking to a man with short brown hair wearing a blue shirt with red stripes. They are sitting on a couch in a brightly lit room with large windows in the background. The woman has a serious expression and gestures with her hand.

This phrase is another harmful stereotype that can invalidate the experiences of autistic individuals. Eye contact varies widely among autistic people. Some may find it uncomfortable or challenging, while others may have learned to force eye contact despite the discomfort it causes.

Assuming someone’s neurotype based on their ability to make eye contact oversimplifies the complex nature of autism. It’s crucial to understand that autism manifests differently in each person, and behaviors like eye contact do not define or negate an autism diagnosis.

Instead of making assumptions, focus on understanding and supporting the individual’s unique experiences and needs.

15. “But you seem so normal!”

Two women are sitting on a light-colored couch in a bright room. The older woman with long white hair looks surprised, holding her face with both hands, while the younger woman with dark hair gestures expressively towards her. Both are wearing white shirts and jeans.

This phrase can be incredibly dismissive and offensive. It implies that there is a “normal” standard to which they should aspire, and that their true selves are somehow less acceptable.

Autism is a spectrum, and many autistic individuals have learned to mask their traits to fit in socially, which can be mentally and emotionally exhausting and cause them long-term harm.

Just because someone appears “normal” to you doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing significant challenges. Instead of making such remarks, it’s more supportive to accept and appreciate their authentic self.

Recognize that everyone has their own unique way of being, and there’s no one-size-fits-all definition of “normal.” The world would be a pretty boring place if there were.