If you want to be happy in your relationship again, take these 11 steps

Discover the path to renewed love and joy.

Close-up of a couple sharing an intimate moment. The man, with short hair and a beard, gently kisses the cheek of the smiling woman, who has shoulder-length dark hair and wears a green top. They appear to be in a cozy indoor setting.

Sometimes, a relationship doesn’t work out the way you planned. In such a situation, you and your partner can decide to start over if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for.

However, starting anew is more than just being on the same page. You and your partner must both be willing to make changes and work for it.

The process will take time and effort, but if you value your partner and your experiences with them, then it’ll be worth it in the end. I’ve written this guide to help.

Keep reading to learn how to start over in a relationship.

1. Take a break.

A man and a woman sitting back to back on separate chairs, divided by a wall. The man is leaning forward with his head resting on his hand, appearing stressed. The woman is hugging her knees, looking upwards with a thoughtful expression. Both are dressed in casual clothes.

If you don’t know how to start over in a broken relationship, I recommend spending some quality time apart. You and your partner should agree on how long you should be apart.

During that break, you should have little to no contact. However, you shouldn’t treat this break as a time to see how single life feels or think if you want to pursue a new relationship with someone else.

Instead, I suggest using this time to gather yourself and reflect on your relationship.

Taking a break allows couples to decompress from the possible heightened emotional states they’re both in. This helps you think more rationally and mentally prepare yourself to change for the better.

You should also spend time thinking about why the relationship is important to you.

Hitting the reset button on a relationship is tricky since you’ll face many challenges.

As such, knowing why you value the relationship can motivate you to push through the difficult times.

2. Work on your personal development.

A thoughtful woman with long eyelashes and brown hair rests her head on her hand, looking slightly upwards. She is wearing a mustard yellow sweater and appears deep in thought with a calm and relaxed expression.

The next step in how to start over with someone is to work on yourself first.

You might not realize that some of the wounds you experience in relationships are because of the projection of childhood trauma.

For instance, either you or your partner might struggle with emotional intimacy due to having emotionally immature parents. Or, you might be too clingy because of a fear of abandonment.

This next step is connected to my first tip above. Fostering self-awareness lets you identify and work through any emotional baggage you’re consciously or unconsciously holding onto.

To do this, you can enter counseling or therapy. This can help you sort through your emotions and process your past to understand how to break that cycle.

You’ll understand your unhealthy behaviors and learn to take responsibility for them by spending time working on them so you can be the best version of yourself.

3. Indulge your partner.

A man and woman sit on a couch intensely playing video games. Both are holding controllers, focused on the screen. There is a glass of white wine on the table in front of them. A bookcase filled with books and decorative items is visible in the background.

You might have heard people say that you should fall in love with the person rather than their potential. While it’s true that you should accept each other as you are, remember that there’s always room for positive change.

For instance, if there are things your partner wants you to do, try to do them—as long as they’re within reason. Similarly, if you know something upsets them, try not to do those things if it’s reasonable.

For example, if your partner wants you to cut a friend out of your life because they don’t like them, that would be a negative change that you should not consider—unless you agree that the friend is a negative influence on you.

Aside from changing for the better, I suggest showing interest in the things that matter to your partner.

For example, if they love video games, you can listen to them talk about it. Even if you don’t play, you can still indulge them by being interested and asking about their interests.

Another way to indulge your partner is by speaking their primary love language.

If theirs is physical touch, a hug for comfort, a kiss goodbye, or a gentle arm on the shoulder while you’re walking together will go a long way in making them feel loved.

4. Discuss negative feelings.

A man and a woman sit facing each other, resting their heads on their hands in a cozy and modern living room with gray furniture and large windows. They are engaged in an intimate and thoughtful conversation. A lush plant is visible in the background.

Unresolved emotional pain can make couples struggle to get back together. It’s also hard to let go of emotional pain if it remains unrecognized.

However, both of you will have to air things out to start with a clean slate and work to get each other’s love and attention back.

As such, I suggest talking about what went wrong. Tell each other and understand the causes of your pains. Learn to empathize, validate, and take responsibility for anything either of you may have done to harm the relationship.

Don’t get defensive when they tell you how your actions hurt them.

Meanwhile, to prevent your partner from getting defensive, talk about how you feel and what you think rather than just saying what they did and how they made you feel.

For instance, you can say, “I was hurt because it felt like I was the only one who was excited about the trip we went on.” This sounds less accusatory than, “You acted like you didn’t care about the trip and would have preferred to be somewhere else.”

This may be an awkward conversation, but getting things off your chest and understanding how to avoid making the same mistake again is the best course of action.

5. Learn to communicate in a healthy and respectful way.

A couple walks hand in hand along a sandy beach with waves gently crashing in the background. Both are wearing light sweaters and jeans, and they appear to be engaged in a pleasant conversation under the soft sunlight.

In addition to discussing negative feelings, I strongly recommend learning how to communicate properly.

Healthy communication is extremely important in any good relationship—this is especially true when trying to repair a broken relationship.

Both parties should find a middle ground on how to communicate. That’s because what works for one may not work for the other.

As long as you’re both aware of that, you can keep trying any method that works for the two of you.

For instance, you may choose to write each other letters, which can feel less emotionally charged than face-to-face conversations.

Or, if you’re having problems, learn to phrase things in a non-accusatory way to prevent the other party from becoming defensive. This can also make open communication easier.

Communicating also involves having stress-reducing conversations.

For example, you should know how to support your partner when they’ve received bad news. Or, when your partner starts to discuss difficult topics, learn to just listen with empathy without giving unsolicited advice.

This can help you learn to co-regulate your partner’s emotional state. So, if they’re distressed, consoling them and remaining calm can prevent their stress from escalating further.

6. Learn how to compromise.

A man and woman sit closely together on a beige sofa in a cozy living room. The man has his arm around the back of the sofa, while the woman holds a pillow and looks at him. A wooden coffee table in front of them has croissants and two cups of coffee.

I’ve found that it’s normal for partners to be tense about things they disagree on. This is where compromise comes in.

There are several aspects to learning the skills of compromising—learning when to make way for your partner, when you should meet in the middle, and when to stand by what you want.

Compromising makes your partner feel that you value them by meeting them in the middle or, yes, caving into their wishes occasionally.

Compromising also involves choosing your battles. Ask yourself, “Is the toilet seat worth fighting over?” If it bothers you that much, you can always speak to your partner calmly about it.

However, in my experience, both parties must learn to compromise. If you’re the only one compromising, you might end up resenting your partner for constantly adjusting to them.

The other party might also feel like they don’t need to budge even when it comes to things you care about.

7. Don’t bring up the past.

A woman and a man sitting on a kitchen counter, both facing forward. The woman has her arms crossed and looks away with a stern expression. The man has his hands on his lap, leaning forward slightly, looking down. The atmosphere appears tense.

Resisting the urge to bring up past mistakes can be hard—especially if their misbehavior has hurt you deeply.

If you’re serious about wanting to repair the broken relationship, you’ll have to forgive them completely. Otherwise, you might be that person who always reminds your partner about how bad they’ve been.

If you’re the one who has hurt your partner, you should also learn to forgive yourself. This prevents you from making the same mistakes.

But you also shouldn’t make your new relationship all about “making up” for the past. Instead, I strongly suggest focusing on being a better person.

If neither party learns to forgive, there’s no chance of a fresh start.

Not bringing up the past doesn’t mean just sweeping everything under the rug and forgetting that bad things happened, either. Both of you should learn from those mistakes and become better people.

8. Consider couples counseling.

A couple sits closely on a couch holding hands, engaging in a conversation. The woman wears a red sweater and the man a striped shirt. A person with a clipboard sits nearby, perhaps a therapist, indicating a counseling or therapy session.

If your self-motivated attempts aren’t quite working, I suggest seeking professional help from a couples therapist.

Getting advice from a relationship counselor can help couples start anew.

That’s because a relationship expert can equip you with new tools and skills, such as communicating effectively, processing emotional wounds, and improving emotional connections.

A third party also offers unbiased perspectives regarding a couple’s relationship, which can give a different insight into their experiences.

This can result in a deeper understanding of difficulties and unwanted mistakes.

Undergoing couples counseling can help you move forward in the same direction. They also offer support in your journey together.

9. Create shared goals.

A monochrome image of a couple sitting together by a window. The woman is leaning on the man, who is gazing out of the window thoughtfully. Their reflection is seen on the glass, adding depth to the intimate and contemplative scene.

One main reason couples begin anew with the same person is that they believe life is better when they’re together than apart.

As such, talking about and creating shared goals and dreams gives you a common thing to work toward. This also helps you know where you’d like the relationship to be after a certain amount of time.

For instance, ask yourself questions like, “Do you want a family? Do you want to start a business? Do you want to live in another country for a while?”

Having shared goals makes it easier to write a new story together since you start acting as a team rather than two individuals.

However, set realistic expectations. It’s easy to get carried away quickly trying to move past your old story to just build a new relationship.

I’d like to reiterate that it takes time and effort. After all, rebuilding trust, processing problems, and learning to compromise don’t all happen overnight.

10. Think and speak positively about your partner.

A close-up of a smiling couple facing each other. The man has a beard and is wearing a yellow shirt, while the woman has long brown hair and is wearing a blue and white striped shirt. They appear happy and content, with their noses nearly touching.

How you think and speak about someone can shape how you perceive and interact with them.

If your relationship has soured, you might be viewing your partner in a negative light. If you’re complaining about them to friends and family, they may also be impacted by what you say about your partner.

This will only become a downward spiral where their opinions feed the negative narrative and worsen how you think of your partner.

As such, if you’re serious about a new beginning, focus on your partner’s good points. Saying nice things about them to close friends and family will make you love and care deeply for your partner.

This can also influence the people around you to think positive things about them and prevent falling into the same relationship as before.

Thinking positively about your partner can also help you forgive and let go of the hurt from the relationship so far.

11. Celebrate progress.

A couple sits on a cozy couch, facing each other and smiling, as they clink glasses of white wine. The setting appears warm and comfortable, with a blanket draped over the sofa and soft lighting creating a relaxed atmosphere.

In my experience, making a relationship work again is a daunting task. After all, you’re working on changing for the better—which involves things like mending a broken heart and processing things with your partner.

As such, celebrating any progress gives you a sense of accomplishment, making you feel closer to each other.

Celebrating progress helps you recognize your efforts and see that they’re making a difference in your relationship. It gives you a sense of hope for your relationship’s future.

Regardless of what milestone you’ve reached, take the time to celebrate those moments to create a positive and encouraging atmosphere.