Ditch the loner label by taking the following steps.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with being a ‘loner’ if you’re just not keen on being around others.
Solitude can be an excellent time to work on yourself or just enjoy peace and quiet.
However, it becomes an issue if it starts to negatively affect you or your life.
And if you’re reading this article, chances are you’re experiencing those negative effects, and you’re not happy about it.
Reintegrating can be difficult to do if you haven’t socialized in a long time.
So how do you do it?
Here are 10 tips to help you re-connect with others and stop feeling so isolated:
1. Reflect on why you feel lonely.
A problem cannot be solved unless you get to the root of the issue.
Can you identify why you feel lonely?
It could be that you aren’t spending enough time with your people ‘in’ person.
Although technology is great for quickly and easily keeping in touch with people, it can both bring us together and pull us apart. It can be easy to forget that most friendships need quality time and companionship, and not just quick memes and emojis sent on WhatsApp.
Perhaps your relationships have degraded to the point where you’re just not spending much time together anymore.
Or maybe you and your friends aren’t prioritizing maintaining the relationship.
Life is busy, and everyone has their responsibilities, particularly when you’re managing your family, work, and home life, but maintaining a relationship requires focused effort. People can easily drift away from each other over time if neither puts this effort in.
It could even be that you’ve cut everyone out of your life intentionally.
Sometimes people isolate themselves because they’ve been hurt in the past and don’t want to be hurt again. You might not have realized you were doing it, and it can be hard to admit, so this may take some self-reflection and self-analysis to spot.
2. Be patient to forge healthy and meaningful connections.
Most meaningful relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are built on trust, empathy, and understanding.
Those things can’t be rushed. They need an appropriate amount of time and patience to germinate, grow, and bloom like a flower.
Although you may meet someone with whom you feel an instant connection and have lots in common, rushing into a friendship can lead to disappointment and frustration if it doesn’t meet your expectations or evolve how you hoped.
If you tend to move too fast or force connections in relationships, it can leave you feeling lonely or misunderstood when things don’t go to plan. You may start to assume that people just don’t get you.
Being patient allows you both to share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings at a speed where you each feel safe and comfortable. This can lead to a deeper and more meaningful connection, which is more likely to meet both of your needs and stand the test of time.
Patience not only means letting things unfold in their own time but also in their own way. It may mean accepting (or tolerating) differences in opinions, beliefs, or behaviors through empathy, healthy communication, and trust.
3. Be authentic so you can ‘find your tribe’.
To be authentic is to be true to yourself.
Perhaps you struggle to be yourself because you don’t think people will like you the way you are.
So instead, you try to be the person you think will get you friends or better fit into the crowd.
There are three major problems with this though.
Firstly, pretending to be someone you’re not quickly wears away at your mental health, causing stress, anxiety, and depression. This is because it’s exhausting to keep up, and you’re essentially telling yourself you’re not good enough as you are.
Secondly, you still end up feeling lonely because you’re not actually connecting with anyone. There’s this wall up between you that is preventing them from seeing the real you. If they can’t see the real you, how will they know that you’re their kind of person?
Finally, most people can tell you’re putting on an act. You may be doing your best at trying out a persona, but because it’s not really you and it’s tiring to keep up, you don’t quite get it ‘right’, or parts of the true you slip out.
You’re left with a mishmash of a personality that doesn’t quite make sense to other people and certainly doesn’t make you happy.
If you want real connections, you have to let people see the real you. Rather than trying to fit in with people who won’t accept you as you are, find the people who will love the authentic you.
Trust me, those people do exist, and it’s only through being your authentic self that you can find them.
You’re not going to connect with everyone – and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection on you, those people just weren’t your tribe.
If you’re being your authentic self and you’re still struggling to connect with people, focusing on your interests is a good place to start. There are groups or clubs for just about every topic you could think of. Search for a local or online community that you share a passion with and take it from there.
4. Be open-minded to new people and experiences.
Sometimes you may find you don’t connect with other people because of your expectations or preconceived notions about them.
Maybe you’re only used to interacting with people from the same background or culture as you. Perhaps you assume that you wouldn’t have enough in common to form meaningful relationships with people who have different beliefs or perspectives from you.
And maybe you won’t. But you’ll never know unless you try.
It’s just as likely that you may have loads in common.
You may meet someone who has different religious beliefs, but you have loads of shared hobbies or interests. Or perhaps there’s someone from a completely different background, but you discover you share the same core values and morals.
Rather than closing your mind to new people because on paper it looks like an unlikely match, keep an open mind. They say opposites attract for a reason, after all.
The same goes for experiences. If you’re struggling to make connections and your old ways of meeting people aren’t working, don’t be afraid to try something different.
Classes, groups, or organized ‘meetups’ are a great place to start. Be brave and try something you’ve never experienced before. Even if you don’t come away with new friendships, chances are it will have been good fun, and you may even pick up a new skill.
5. Develop your communication skills.
As I’m sure you’ve heard many, many times, communication is the heart of any good relationship.
If your relationships are dwindling and you’re struggling to make connections, it’s worth looking at your communication.
Communication is a two-way street, and it’s important to note that not all people communicate the same way.
We’re often taught or told about ‘appropriate’ communication skills from an early age, but the reality is that there is no one right way of communicating and that all communication styles are valid.
Some people are happy making eye contact, for others, it’s extremely uncomfortable.
Some people like making small talk, other people prefer to get straight into it.
Some people use indirect language like sarcasm or conventional sayings, whereas others are more literal.
Some people want to make connections but find social communication extremely anxiety-provoking, whereas others are confident and can talk easily to anyone (and everyone) they meet.
The key to communicating ‘appropriately’ is to be aware and accepting of your talk partner’s communication style and needs, and to be clear about your own too.
For example, if someone doesn’t make eye contact but is otherwise interested and engaged, don’t assume they are rude and write them off.
If you know you use a lot of flowery or ambiguous language and can sense that your talk partner isn’t following, try to be clear, or check in with them that what you’re saying makes sense.
If your dislike of talking to people is strong because of social anxiety or similar, but you still want to connect, remember that listening is just as crucial to communication as speaking (if not more).
Many people are so concerned with getting their point across or desperately waiting their turn to speak that they forget how essential listening is to communication.
Active listening is to give the person talking your full, undivided attention. It’s not half listening whilst wondering what to cook for dinner, glancing at your phone, or thinking about what you’re going to say next. It’s hearing what they’re saying, comprehending it, and showing them that you’re interested.
6. Take the initiative in reaching out to others.
In a perfect world, all our friends would regularly reach out to us and try to connect. But in reality, life can be a grind sometimes.
It’s likely you do have friends or family who genuinely care about you, but they just get swept up in the responsibilities of their life.
They may work a stressful job, manage a complex family, or just get caught up trying to deal with the challenges that life throws at them.
It’s easily done.
When life gets overwhelming, managing friendships is often one of the first ‘unessential’ activities that get reduced. Granted, friendships shouldn’t be viewed that way, but it’s often the way it works out.
If this resonates with you, it’s likely you feel resentment, and that’s ok.
But rather than waiting for your friends to finally get in touch (or cutting them off), take the initiative to reach out to them instead.
You may find they’ve had some serious stuff going on and could really do with your support. Or perhaps you’ll discover they’ve been thinking the same about you and have been waiting for you to get in touch.
You never know what’s going on with people, so just reach out, find out, and don’t make assumptions.
However, if you’re constantly putting in a lot of effort and getting little in return, it’s worth considering if your expectations of a friendship are off.
If you consider someone a best friend, but they don’t feel as close to you they may not reach out as often as you do. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend; they may just see you as a different type of friend.
There’s nothing wrong with having casual friendships and relationships, just so long as everyone is on the same page.
7. Take care of yourself.
Taking care of your mental and physical health helps keep your mood boosted. This, in turn, helps you see things in a more positive and proactive light, rather than assuming the worst about your relationships.
Self-care and personal hygiene matter too.
If you’ve spent a lot of time alone, particularly if you live with depression, self-care can start to slip.
That’s okay, it happens.
Just be aware that most other people won’t respond positively if you don’t practice basic self-care like showering, deodorant, clean clothes, and brushing your teeth.
We’re not talking about physical appearance here or looking ‘good’. It’s simply a case of keeping reasonable hygiene so that people don’t find it physically difficult to be around you.
In addition to that, taking care of yourself can provide a much-needed boost in your self-confidence.
If you feel good about yourself, you’re going to feel more sociable.
8. Join groups, clubs, or classes.
The specific purpose of pretty much every group or club ever formed is to connect with people.
Yes, most of them also involve a shared interest or passion, but it’s the shared part that’s important.
Try looking into groups and clubs that are focused on your hobbies or interests. If you can’t find any, try something that you’ve never considered before but that sounds fun or interesting.
The worst thing that can happen is you find it’s not your thing.
If groups or clubs seem too forced or awkward for you, try other social settings. You may be to volunteer somewhere, which allows you to help the community and meet new people.
Alternatively, joining a class provides opportunities to meet new people, learn something new, and expand your horizons, which will give you more ways to build connections.
If you live in a big enough city, you could look into religious groups doing outreach work (you don’t have to follow the religion if that’s not your thing) or community centers.
They often provide food, advice, play or youth groups for those in need, or do neighborhood cleanup projects. These can be a great place to lend a hand and make new connections at the same time.
9. Say “yes” to social invites.
People aren’t going to drag you out to be sociable.
If you keep turning down invitations to social events, they’ll eventually stop inviting you out. They’ll start assuming you like being alone or simply don’t like their company.
So, consider whether you want to maintain your friendships or social circles.
If the answer is yes, you’re going to need to make the effort and say ‘yes’ now and then.
If you have reasons that you absolutely don’t want to meet up, or can’t meet up, that’s totally fine. It’s good to be honest with people though. Let them know you don’t want to go for XYZ reason this time, but you still want to be invited next time.
If it boils down to an ‘Eh, maybe’ kind of vibe, then just go.
You’ll probably enjoy it, but you can always leave if you’re not feeling it once you’ve given it a try.
10. Seek professional help.
If you’re concerned about the direction things are heading and you are worried you might completely isolate yourself it may be time to seek help from a therapist.
They can help you get a handle on the thoughts and behaviors that are contributing to this isolation and hopefully provide the tools to help you reach out and start building connections again.
If you’re struggling to be your authentic self, a therapist can help you learn to accept and embrace your unique personality so that you’re better equipped to connect with people who love and accept you as you are.
If you struggle to be yourself or express yourself due to mental health problems, addressing those problems may improve your desire for and comfort with sociability.
At a minimum, a therapist can help you get to the root cause of your loneliness and isolation so you can find a solution for it and start to reconnect with others.
