10 Things You Must Do When Someone Undermines You

Take these steps when someone undermines you.

A woman sitting at a desk with a laptop closed in front of her, holding her head in frustration while a man standing points, and another man sits looking at documents. The office setting feels tense, with paperwork spread on the table.

Being undermined by another is annoying—sometimes it is infuriating. But how should you react when your judgment or authority has been challenged? How do you make it clear that the other person’s behavior is not welcome? Here are 10 actions you can take to put the situation right, as much as possible.

1. Stay calm and composed.

A young woman looks distressed and holds her head with one hand while an older woman gestures towards her, appearing upset. A young girl sits on the couch between them, observing the situation. They are in a modern living room.

Don’t react impulsively. You may feel the urge to retaliate because you’re angry. You need to cool off to a manageable level. They can’t take back what they did, and you can’t take back anything you do in anger. Instead, take a step back, don’t let them know that you know what they did, and take some time to find your composure. Once you do, then talk to them about it.

2. Approach them and acknowledge what happened.

A man and woman, both in business attire and wearing glasses, are engaged in an intense conversation outside a modern office building. The man gestures emphatically with his hands, while the woman looks at him with a serious expression, holding one hand open.

Address the situation directly once you’ve cooled off. Don’t let it turn into a bunch of passive-aggressive behaviors because that will just encourage them. To have an open dialog, you want to avoid becoming defensive or accusatory. Keep it short and clear: “I noticed you contradicted me to the others in our conversation earlier.”

3. Seek clarification.

Two women sit across from each other at a table in a cafe, engaged in a serious conversation. Both are wearing sweaters. A potted poinsettia sits on the table between them, alongside two white coffee cups and a smartphone. Large windows are in the background.

Ask open-ended questions to better understand their motives. You can use phrases like, “Can you explain why you said that? or “What did you mean by X?” Approaching the incident through open-ended questions avoids accusatory statements that are likely to kick up defensiveness and make a civil conversation difficult.

4. Don’t take it personally.

A young woman with long dark hair and hoop earrings adjusts her hair with both hands. She is wearing a pink sweater and stands against a yellow background. She looks directly at the camera with a neutral expression.

Often, undermining behavior stems from the other person’s insecurities. It looks and feels like a personal attack, but it may just be an unhealthy social behavior that the person projects without meaning to. Their behavior says more about them than it does you. Even if it is a personal attack, you definitely don’t want to react with anger. Then they can turn it around and make you look like the bad guy for getting angry.

5. Set clear boundaries.

A woman with shoulder-length brown hair, wearing a white shirt, is seen against an orange background. She has her right hand extended in front of her, palm facing outward, in a "stop" or "halt" gesture while looking away.

Determine and set clear boundaries to let them know that undermining is unacceptable. Do consider what you will do in the event this boundary is crossed again, because it likely will be. For example, you can use a statement like, “In the future, I would appreciate it if you could directly communicate your concerns to me.”

6. Use facts to defend yourself.

Four individuals are seated around a conference table while one person, gesturing with their hands, appears to be leading the discussion. Laptops, documents, and glasses of water are on the table. A large window in the background reveals a cityscape outside.

Facts are your most powerful tool when responding to someone undermining you. Objective evidence means you don’t have to ask other people to take your word for it. Additionally, if this person has been undermining you regularly, other people may be predisposed to not trusting you. Use objective evidence or results to support your position.

7. Document incidents.

Three men in business attire are engaged in a serious discussion around a table. One points to a document with charts, while the others listen attentively. A laptop is open on the table, and a bright office with shelves in the background.

This only applies in the workplace. If you are regularly being undermined by a coworker, document all the incidents including the time, place, witnesses, and what happened. This will be helpful if you need to escalate the situation further or you are approached by management due to their actions.

8. Speak up publicly if necessary.

Three people are engaged in a serious discussion around a table. The person in the middle, wearing glasses and a dark shirt, is speaking while gesturing with his hands. The other two individuals, one on each side, are attentively listening. They are in a well-lit room.

If someone undermines you in a group setting, calmly address it then and there. Do not allow false statements or misrepresentations to go uncorrected. Correct the error without becoming confrontational. If you don’t, then those false statements or misrepresentations may be taken as fact by the rest of the group.

9. Confront the person privately.

A man wearing a blue shirt and jeans is sitting next to a woman in business attire by a window. He appears to be in conversation with the woman, gesturing with one hand and resting his other hand on her shoulder. The background shows a blurred outdoor scene.

A private conversation may be in order if the undermining behavior persists. Make them aware that their behavior is unacceptable and you expect more respectful interactions moving forward. Again, you need to have some consequences of this boundary being broken in mind but don’t tell them what those consequences are. That may just encourage them to try to dance around it instead of respecting you.

10. Escalate the issue if necessary.

Three women are engaged in a conversation in a professional setting. The woman on the left wears glasses and holds a coffee cup, the middle woman holds a tablet, and the right woman gestures with her hands while speaking. They are all dressed in business attire.

Escalation may be required if the behavior continues. If you are in the workplace, you may need to escalate the problem to HR or management. That’s where your documentation is going to come in handy. However, if it’s in a personal context, it would be best to speak with a counselor about the situation since it can be so personal, depending on the context of the relationship with the person.