12 Subtle Signs Your Friend Is Actually Your Foe

You’ll only see these things in a friend who is actually a foe.

Two women with long hair are facing each other outdoors. One has dark hair and the other has light hair. Both are wearing white tops, and the background is softly blurred with greenery.

It can sometimes be difficult to determine whether a person in your life is a true friend, or a “frenemy” in disguise. The 12 subtle signs that follow can offer a clue as to their true feelings and intentions toward you.

1. Their compliments are actually subtle insults.

Two women sitting on a bench outdoors. One wears a burgundy dress, adjusting her hair, the other in a floral dress and orange hat, holding sunglasses. They are surrounded by greenery, creating a relaxed and summery atmosphere.

Every compliment they give you has a scathing undertone that ensures you don’t feel great after they’ve said it. For instance, they might admit that you’re quite capable for someone of your ethnic background, or that your makeup gives them an idea of how pretty you were when you were young.

2. They flirt with your partner or spouse and write it off as a joke.

A group of young adults is enjoying an outdoor gathering at sunset, holding drinks and smiling. The warm light of the setting sun illuminates their faces as they converse. Trees and a scenic landscape are visible in the background.

They might make your partner or spouse uncomfortable by being flirtatious with them, and then invalidate their discomfort by saying that their actions shouldn’t be taken seriously—that they should take such things as a compliment, really, and that someone like you is lucky to have bagged such a hottie.

3. They put you down in front of others.

A bearded man in a gray jacket angrily shouts at another bearded man in a leather jacket, who looks downcast while looking away. The background is a plain, light-colored wall.

They may try to assert social dominance by putting you down or ordering you around when you’re out with your social circle. Alternatively, they’ll make cutting remarks about you, your appearance, your lifestyle choices, and so on, and encourage the other people around you to join in the mockery as well.

4. They make fun of things you told them in confidence.

A young woman stands with her eyes closed, looking distressed, and her hand on her forehead. She is in focus and in the foreground. In the background, four young people are pointing at her and laughing. They are outside in a park or natural setting.

You might have let them know that you were sick at home for a few days the previous week due to a terrible gastro bug, and the next time you’re out with buddies, they’ll joke about you soiling yourself, or make you smell appalling things to see if you’ll vomit.

5. They intentionally overstep your boundaries.

Two women with blonde hair are indoors, having a serious discussion. The woman on the left, gesturing with her hand, appears to be speaking, while the woman on the right, sitting on a couch or bed, looks away with a thoughtful or dissatisfied expression.

People have boundaries for a reason, but friends who are actually foes see these as bullfighting flags to charge through. If you establish that some behavior is completely unacceptable—like tickling you, for example—they’ll go out of their way to do it just to get a rise out of you.

6. They try to coerce you into acting against your own morals.

Three men are engaged in a conversation in a dimly lit setting with an exposed brick wall in the background. Two men in white and patterned button-down shirts are facing a man with dark hair, who is seen from behind. They appear animated and focused.

Whatever it is you hold to due to personal ethics, they’ll attempt to peer pressure you into doing so. For instance, if you’re sober for ethical or spiritual reasons, they’ll try to get you to have “just one drink”, and will encourage everyone around to help them pressure you into it.

7. They have nothing good to say about anyone.

Two women sitting at a table in a café, sharing a secret. The woman on the left has red hair and is wearing a gray sweater, holding her hand over her mouth in surprise. The woman on the right has dark hair, wearing a dark green blouse, whispering into her friend's ear.

If this person trash-talks your other friends when they aren’t around, but is then cool and friendly with them in their company, you know that they’re saying the exact same things about you. They’ve shown you how two-faced they are, and that they can’t be trusted.

8. They’re mean or contemptuous toward those you love.

A woman with long dark hair, wearing a black leather jacket, is standing on an outdoor urban street lined with brick buildings and palm trees. She is looking to her right with a puzzled expression, her left thumb pointing behind her.

Maybe they’ve used a slur toward your special-needs sibling and brushed off your upset by saying that it’s not like they understand it anyway, made racist comments toward your partner, or disparaging remarks toward your children. Although they may pretend they were just joking, they’ve shown you their true colors.

9. They only contact you or show up when they need something.

Two women are sitting on a couch. The woman on the left is frowning with her arms out. The woman on the right has her hands together and is looking at the other woman with a pleading expression. They appear to be having a serious conversation.

You won’t hear from them unless they need to borrow money or need a couch to crash on, and then suddenly they’re your best pal ever. Or they’ll “just happen to stop by” when they know that your family is about to have dinner, knowing that you’ll offer them a plate too.

10. They downplay your achievements instead of celebrating them with you.

Two women sit at an outdoor café, smiling and enjoying coffee from white cups. The woman on the left has long blonde hair and wears a patterned sleeveless top, while the woman on the right has long brunette hair and wears a yellow off-shoulder top with floral designs.

If you achieve something that’s important to you, they’ll brush it off or make a joke instead of celebrating with you. For example, if you finally get a new job after months of unemployment, they’ll act relieved that you can stop dressing like a homeless person and embarrassing them in public.

11. They invalidate your feelings.

Two women sit cross-legged on a grassy area in a park, engaged in a serious conversation. One has shoulder-length blonde hair and wears glasses and a gray T-shirt, while the other has long dark hair and wears a black T-shirt and maroon pants. Trees are in the background.

If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed because you’re overstimulated in a crowded place, they’ll roll their eyes and tell you that you’re overreacting. Similarly, if you’re upset about a breakup or the loss of a beloved pet, they’ll laugh and tell you to just get another to replace the one you lost.

12. They try to steal your “wins”.

A woman with long blonde hair and a blue shirt looks upset in the foreground. In the background, a couple is embracing and smiling at each other. The woman's facial expression suggests feelings of sadness or jealousy.

Healthy and playful competition between friends can be fun, but it gets toxic and harmful if it becomes aggressive or unhealthy. If your “friend” tries to sleep with someone they know you like, or pursues a job you really want even if they’re not interested, then that’s a foe, not a friend.