People with abandonment issues often display these 20 behaviors in relationships

These 20 behaviors signal abandonment issues

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Abandonment can come in many forms. Whether it’s through a parent leaving, death, neglect, inconsistent parenting, or a traumatic event later in life, the outcome is often the same. The effects of being or feeling abandoned can have far-reaching and long-lasting consequences that often greatly impact future relationships.

Here are 20 such behaviors that are common in people who have experienced some form of traumatic abandonment in their life, whether they realize it or not.

1. They Attach Too Quickly

A woman with her hair in a bun sits on a couch wearing an orange top, smiling and leaning forward with her hands holding the hands of a man who is seated across from her. The room is softly lit, and there's a wooden shelf in the background.

As soon as they meet someone, they go from first date to “in a relationship” in the blink of an eye.

They believe that if they don’t do this, they risk the person dating someone else they like more. They don’t want them to be “the one that got away.”

But they don’t give themselves the time and mental space needed to assess how the relationship is going.

They don’t ask whether this person is someone they could actually spend the rest of their life with.

After all, isn’t that what we’re all looking for?

2. They Move On Too Quickly

A woman with long brown hair and a striped shirt smiles, facing a man whose back is to the camera. They are in a brightly lit room with large windows and modern decor.

When one relationship ends, they don’t give themselves time to breathe (and grieve) before they’re on to the next one.

They don’t deal with the emotional fallout of the breakup.

They jump head-first into something new and exciting to distract themselves from the hurt and pain they feel.

They’re one of those people who “have to” be in a relationship because they’re a mess when single.

Unfortunately, they’re not allowing themselves time to process their breakup. They’re not grieving the end of their last relationship, or healing the wounds that it may have caused.

3. They’re A Partner Pleaser

A woman with long brown hair wearing a white top sits on a stone bench, smiling and looking at a man with short dark hair in a red t-shirt. They appear to be engaged in a friendly conversation outdoors on a sunny day.

They aim to please people at every opportunity including in their relationships.

The result is weak personal boundaries and a willingness to go along with whatever their partner wants.

They put their well-being second to their partner’s. They fear that if they don’t fulfill their partner’s desires, their partner will look elsewhere.

This will eventually lead to conflict when they begin to resent having to do all these things.

And this can cause them to jump ship, believing that things aren’t ever going to work out for the two of them.

Or, alternatively…

4. They Stay In / Settle For Unhealthy Relationships

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Rather than being alone, they are willing to remain in a situation that they know deep down isn’t good for them.

Perhaps they realize that the match isn’t as good as they first thought. Or maybe their partner lies, cheats, or is abusive in some way.

Somehow these things aren’t always enough for them to call it quits.

5. They Look For Flaws In Their Partner

A woman in a yellow dress and a man in a green shirt are sitting at a kitchen table with glasses and a jug of juice. The woman is speaking with her hands raised, and the man is attentively listening. The kitchen is bright with natural light and rustic decor.

Sometimes it’s not the case that the match isn’t a good one; it’s that they don’t allow it to be.

Their abandonment issues mean they focus on the flaws in their partner. They ignore all their partner’s positive attributes.

This way, when things finally go south, they can tell themselves their partner wasn’t right for them anyway.

They seek a perfection that doesn’t exist anywhere other than in their head.

Unfortunately, this approach is likely to contribute to the breakdown in their relationship.

6. They’re Reluctant To Fully Invest In A Relationship

A couple sits outdoors, surrounded by greenery. The woman, wearing a white top, looks away with her knees drawn to her chest, appearing upset. The man, in a purple shirt, sits behind her and reaches out as if trying to comfort or talk to her.

Sure, they might be quick to take a relationship from zero to sixty, but this doesn’t mean they are ready to invest in it.

In fact, they are often resistant to anything that signifies genuine commitment. Things such as meeting their partner’s family, moving in together, even discussing a “future” together.

By doing so, they send a signal to their partner that they don’t view the relationship as serious or long-term. This may spell the beginning of the end of things between them.

7. They Avoid Emotional Intimacy

A woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes looks directly at the camera with a neutral expression. She is wearing a light-colored top. In the background, there is a man with a beard and a hat, slightly out of focus, gazing into the distance.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that they feel unable to invest in a relationship when they shun any attempts their partner makes at emotional intimacy.

To let their guard down would be to show vulnerability, and they’re not prepared to risk the hurt this may cause.

So they keep their guard up and compensate in other ways. They focus on physical intimacy instead and try to please their partner as mentioned above.

The problem is that, while they may be happy to live without these things, their partner probably won’t be. And if their partner isn’t, they may question their future together.

8. They Feel Unworthy Of Love

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The thing that holds them back from being emotionally intimate with somebody is a deep-seated sense of unworthiness.

They just can’t see how anybody could possibly love them, so they never let anyone say those three special words to them.

If those words should ever cross a partner’s lips, their response will be a quick and decisive “you don’t love me” and that will be that.

9. They’re Insecure

A man and woman sit on a bed in a bedroom. The woman, looking upset, has her arms crossed and is facing away from the man. The man is gesturing with one hand and appears to be explaining or arguing with her. Both are casually dressed in jeans and sweaters.

In their mind, there is no way that anybody could truly love them because they struggle to love themselves.

Their self-esteem has gone AWOL.

They doubt every decision they make.

They suffer from anxiety about most things (not just their relationships).

And this leads to…

10. They’re Jealous Of Every Friend/Colleague/Acquaintance

A man with a pained expression holds his forehead with one hand while sitting in the backseat of a car. Next to him, a woman with a serious look stares intently ahead. She is wearing a sequined dress, and the car interior is dimly lit.

In their mind, there’s a strong chance that their partner is being unfaithful.

It doesn’t matter that every other relationship their partner has is purely platonic.

Unsurprisingly, much of their jealousy will focus on members of the opposite sex.

But they also get jealous when their partner spends time with friends of the same sex and of the enjoyment their partner gets from it.

This jealous behavior will put a strain on their relationship. It will likely cause arguments and ill-feelings.

11. They Struggle To Trust

A woman with brown hair wearing a striped shirt holds a glass of orange juice while looking to the side, sitting at a table. In the background, a man with dark hair and a blue shirt looks at his phone. Croissants and orange juice are on the table.

Their mind conjures up images of infidelity and they find it difficult to fully trust a partner.

Trust requires them to be vulnerable and we’ve already discussed how they hate to let their guard down.

They tell themselves that it’s better to assume the worst and be proven wrong than the other way around. That’s the pessimist in them talking.

Unfortunately, their partner wants to feel trusted. I’m sure they’d agree, it’s not nice to feel as though someone you love doesn’t believe you.

12. They Get Separation Blues

A man with a beard and short hair, wearing a white dress shirt, looks thoughtfully out of a window while holding a smartphone. He is leaning on a window ledge in an indoor setting with a plant in the background.

They like to be with and around their partner as much as possible because any time spent apart is like torture.

To be separated for a few hours or days has the effect of resurfacing their abandonment issues. It sends them into a downward spiral of doubt and despair.

Rather than “out of sight, out of mind,” it’s quite the opposite. All they can do is ruminate about where their partner is, who their partner is with, and what their partner is doing.

This can lead to overbearing behavior such as checking up on their partner by message or phone every hour.

13. They Visualize Their Partner Leaving Them

A man in a light blue shirt and jeans stands with his hands in his pockets, looking at the camera with a serious expression. In the background, a woman with red hair, wearing a dark dress, faces away, standing on a dirt path in an open area.

Time apart provides the perfect mental environment for the fear of abandonment to thrive.

Their thoughts enter a dark and dangerous loop in which they imagine their partner ending things with them. They think about the trauma and turmoil this will result in.

Their body reacts to these thoughts as if they were actually true and they suffer bouts of extreme anxiety and depression.

14. They Overanalyze Things

A young woman sits on a couch in the foreground, looking distressed with her hand on her forehead. A young man is sitting next to her in the background, slightly out of focus, appearing concerned. The room has muted lighting and a calm ambiance.

Their mind isn’t one to let anything slip by unnoticed. They see and hear everything and then set to work trying to figure out the hidden meaning in it all.

There’s no such thing as a small comment or an insignificant act when they’re around. They’re capable of taking every little thing and assigning far more weight to it than it deserves.

This can be a source of conflict because their partner may feel the need to walk on eggshells around them for fear of upsetting them.

15. They’re Hypersensitive To Criticism

A woman in an orange dress sits on the edge of a bed, holding her head in her hands, appearing distressed. A man in glasses and casual clothes sits behind her on the bed, extending his arm as if explaining or trying to communicate with her.

They are on the constant lookout for criticism.

This is why they are so keen to analyze every small detail about what their partner says or does.

Their self-worth is so low that they convince themselves that their partner is unhappy with them.

And should direct criticism ever actually be forthcoming, their mind goes into a frenzy of defensive maneuvers and offensive counter-strikes.

They just can’t deal with it in the way most emotionally mature people would.

16. They Have Repressed Anger

A young man with light brown hair and a white shirt is looking down with a sad expression. A young woman with long dark hair, wearing a striped shirt, is sitting next to him, looking at him intently with concern. They are against a brick wall backdrop.

Though not always the case, there is a good chance that they hold some anger deep inside them.

This occasionally bubbles to the surface.

They may have outbursts over seemingly insignificant things. Or they may find themselves resenting their partner for no obvious reason.

Either way, the source of these feelings is difficult to pinpoint.

When anger enters any relationship, it is going to put that relationship under strain.

It’s fuel to add to the fire caused by any number of the points in this article.

17. They’re Controlling

A woman with her hands on her temples appears frustrated while a man behind her raises his hand and seems angry. Both are indoors in a room with white walls and minimal furniture.

They try to control their insecurities, but doing so requires them to control everything else, too.

Their abandonment issues likely stem from past experiences where they had no control over the outcome.

The result is that they seek to micromanage their life and their relationship to try to avoid similar situations and the same outcome.

They fear the unpredictability of letting go and sailing with the wind.

This can make their partner feel diminished as an individual because they have no freedom to make choices of their own.

18. They Pick Unavailable Partners

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They pick partners who are either currently unavailable or wholly incompatible with them.

This helps them avoid any situation that may result in emotional intimacy or require them to invest fully in a relationship.

They may pick someone who they know has been unfaithful in the past.

Or someone whose lifestyle doesn’t match theirs.

Someone who is moving away soon.

Or even someone who is already in another relationship.

They know nothing serious will ever come of it, but that’s actually a relief to them.

19. They Sabotage Relationships At Every Opportunity

A man and a woman sit on a brown leather couch against a brick wall, both appearing deep in thought. The woman, wearing a striped shirt, looks to her left, while the man, in a white t-shirt, gazes to his right. The setting has a rustic, industrial feel.

Many of the things we have already spoken about are examples of self-sabotage.

They fear abandonment and avoid ever reaching a point where their heart can be broken the way it has been in the past.

They push their partner away, they grind their partner down with snarky comments, they act in ways that aren’t conducive to a loving relationship.

Yet they do it on autopilot.

It’s an unconscious defense mechanism designed to prevent emotional pain.

20. They Blame Themselves For Every Breakup

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