12 Ways Narcissists Undermine Your Self-Esteem Without You Realizing

Your self-esteem doesn’t stand a chance against these narcissist tactics.

A man in a light blue shirt, sitting on grass, gestures with an exasperated expression. A woman with short dark hair, wearing a black top, sits nearby with her back to the camera. The setting is a sunny outdoor park.

Narcissistic abuse is incredibly damaging because it can be so insidious: intensifying over time with tiny wounds that end up getting more and more severe. Here are 12 ways a narcissist may erode your self-esteem, causing irreparable harm over time, often without you realizing.

1. Backhanded compliments.

A close-up of a young blonde woman looking at the camera with an amber necklace, in focus. In the blurred background, a young man in a white shirt looks in her direction. Lush greenery is in the backdrop.

If you feel good about something, they’ll manage to compliment you in a way that also causes hurt. For example, they might tell you that your outfit must have looked amazing on you when you were younger, or that the meal you prepared brings back fond memories of military life.

2. Having a selective memory.

A man wearing a plaid shirt stands in a kitchen with his arms out in a confused or questioning gesture. In the foreground, a woman with a distressed expression sits and holds her head in her hand. The kitchen features wooden cabinets, a brick wall, and a kettle.

When a person cares about you, they make a point of remembering things that are important to you, such as your accomplishments or things that bring you joy. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will forget details like this, but will remember any mistake or shortcoming of yours with startling clarity.

3. Not “allowing” you to express emotions they consider to be negative.

A woman with long brown hair looks intently at the camera, sitting in bed against a wooden headboard. In the foreground, a person with curly hair is blurred, facing away from the camera, resting their chin on their hand.

If you’re going through difficulty or are unwell, they’ll get annoyed with you for having the audacity to ruin their good mood with your sadness or discomfort. You exist for their benefit and convenience, and if they only want happiness and good humor around, then you’d better provide that…or else.

4. Only acknowledging you on their terms.

A woman with short blonde hair in a red tank top looks down, appearing thoughtful or upset. In the background, a man in a yellow shirt is turned away, resting his hand on his forehead. The scene suggests emotional tension.

A narcissist will only pay attention to a person who’s giving them the energy that they want in that moment. As such, you may find yourself ignored or given the silent treatment if you’re not behaving exactly as desired. This can make any person feel worthless, unwanted, and intensely disrespected.

5. Undermining your confidence.

A woman with an expressive face gestures with her hands while talking to a man who looks surprised and confused. They are sitting at a wooden table in a cafe with drinks in front of them. The man wears a plaid shirt, and the woman wears a striped blouse.

You may be incredibly capable at something, or knowledgeable about a particular topic, but they’ll question your abilities or imply that you’re wrong. This is especially true if they’re more educated than you are, as they’ll use their qualifications as justification for mocking your perceived “ignorance”, since you just can’t know better.

6. Constantly implying that you seem unwell or unstable.

A man in a white t-shirt and blue jeans is sitting on a beige couch, engaging in a conversation with a woman. He appears to be attentive, with his right arm resting on the back of the couch and his left hand on his knee. The woman is partially visible, gesturing with her hands.

Narcissists love to make others feel inferior, and there are few techniques as effective in that regard as implying that their victim seems either ill, or mentally/emotionally unbalanced. This invalidates anything they think or feel, making it seem as though it’s all caused by external influences, rather than sincerity.

7. Focusing on your mistakes and mocking you for them.

A man and a woman sit on a blue couch having an animated conversation. The man, gesturing with his hands, wears a light blue shirt and jeans, while the woman, listening intently, wears a beige sweater and jeans. A plant and a shelf with books are in the background.

You could cook perfect meals 364 days a year, but the one time you burn a dish, they’ll make a massive deal out of it and never let it go. They’ll also crack jokes about your mistake when you’re in company, like complimenting you on not setting the cranberry sauce on fire, and so on.

8. Twisting the truth to play victim (thus painting you as the wrongdoer).

A woman sits beside a man in a park. The man, appearing upset, rests his head in his hand. The woman, wearing a pink and white dress, gently touches his back, offering comfort. Greenery and trees are visible in the background.

You may feel perfectly justified in feeling angry or hurt by some horrible thing they’ve done, but they’ll turn it around and make it seem as though they’re the one who has been wronged due to your unfairness or cruelty. This can make you question your own judgment, and even sanity.

9. Overstepping your boundaries, or even ignoring them completely.

A woman with a bun leans her head on her hand, looking distressed. A man in a blue shirt stands in front of her, gesturing with his hands as if explaining or arguing. The atmosphere appears tense. The background is indoors with neutral colors.

You may have established a boundary with them, but they ignore it or intentionally break it. When you get upset and try to reaffirm that boundary, they’ll give you the silent treatment for a while, and then simply overstep it again to establish dominance. This will continue until you give up.

10. Constant one-upmanship.

A woman in an orange tennis outfit and visor is preparing to return a tennis ball with her racquet. She is on a tennis court, with a male player in the background about to hit the ball. The background includes trees and a green fence.

Anything you can do, they can do better, and they’ll make a point of proving that to you. Of course, they have to make it look effortless to prove how much better they are than you. Bonus points if you lose interest in something you love because you can’t compete with their awesomeness.

11. Perpetual implication that you’re difficult or unreasonable.

A woman with closed eyes and her hand on her face appears upset. A man in the background looks angry, with his mouth open as if shouting. The scene suggests a tense or emotional moment between the two individuals.

Your needs and preferences may be perfectly reasonable, but they’ll imply that you’re being difficult on purpose if you don’t do as you’re told (or do what they want, when they want, at all times). Your own desires are irrelevant: you exist for their benefit, on demand.

12. The implication that you can’t be trusted in certain situations due to past experiences.

A couple sits on a bed in an argument. The man on the left, wearing a white t-shirt, gestures emphatically with one hand. The woman on the right, wearing a green t-shirt, appears distressed, resting her head in one hand while looking upwards.

Narcissists seek control over all things, and if you’ve experienced anything negative in the past, they’ll use that as an excuse for wresting control from you. For example, if you once dated someone who wrecked your finances, they’ll imply that your judgment is too impaired to be able to govern them yourself.