If someone has unhealthy control issues, they often show these 10 warning signs

What do control issues look like?

A man with glasses and a beard is gazing intently, chin resting on his hands. He appears deep in thought, with a bookshelf and a lamp in the blurred background.

A person who is too controlling runs the risk of derailing their personal relationships, career, and life because most people don’t want to be influenced that way.

It’s normal to want to exert some control over your life and surroundings. Few people would want to leave everything totally up to chance. But when that desire for control extends over other people or becomes unhealthy, there is an issue.

Identifying control issues can help interpret one’s own behavior or avoid people who may not have your best interests in mind. Here are some common ways that people seek to exert control. If you see any of them in yourself, or someone you know, be warned.

1. Dishonesty, lying, and lying by omission.

Two women are engaged in a conversation outdoors. One woman, wearing a red knitted beret and a white coat, is in focus and appears to be listening intently. The other woman, whose face is blurred, is talking. The background shows part of a green architectural structure.

The person is seeking to control the flow of information so that others cannot make informed decisions. They may be covering up negative parts of themselves or trying to avoid responsibility for unsavory actions.

It may be a matter of trying to coerce the listener to make a particular decision or control their perception of a situation.

2. Helicopter or over-protective parenting.

A woman and a young girl sit on a couch in a living room. The woman, with blonde hair, is speaking and gesturing with her hands, while the girl, also blonde, rests her head on her hands, looking upset. Shelves with decor items are in the background.

It’s normal to be concerned for your children’s well-being and growth. What isn’t normal is protecting them from the consequences of their actions or prying too hard into their lives, especially if they are adults.

An overprotective parent can do a lot of damage to their child’s ability to deal with the slings and arrows that they will experience in life, like flunking a class or losing a job.

3. Expecting perfectionism in oneself or others.

An elderly woman with gray hair and a younger woman with brown hair sit facing each other in a well-lit room. The elderly woman tenderly adjusts the younger woman's hair while they both smile. A beige armchair and modern decor are visible in the background.

Nothing is ever perfect, no matter how much we may want it to be. A perfectionist may be dealing with their own insecurities, gassing themselves up to believe that they are something more significant than they are.

They may even just be an eccentric who actually is great at what they do and feel they need to live up to that.

But expecting perfection from other people and holding them to an impossible standard is a convenient way for perfectionists to undermine or punish others for their shortcomings.

4. Self-harm.

A young woman with dark hair sits on the floor against a bed, looking down with a contemplative or somber expression in a dimly lit bedroom with light coming through the window. The room has soft tones, with curtains and bedspreads in muted colors.

Self-harm can be a tool that a person uses to deal with complicated feelings that they don’t know how to manage. They may feel they are in a situation that they cannot control, have emotions running amok, or may be an abuse survivor.

It’s not a positive thing, but self-harm can feel like something they have power and control over. They are choosing what is done to their person rather than having it imposed on them.

5. Monitoring technology.

A person with long dark hair lies in bed, resting their head on a white pillow while looking at a smartphone held in their right hand. The person is under a white blanket, and the room has a soft blue light. The person has a pensive expression.

A controlling person may do things like monitoring their partner’s technology, demand access to email accounts, share social media accounts, or track them via apps on their phone. They may check call records or snoop accounts to keep tabs on their partner and gather information.

6. Jealousy and accusing partners of cheating.

A man with short brown hair and a white shirt stands outdoors with his arms open, appearing to speak to a woman with long, blonde hair facing away from the camera. They are in a park-like setting, with trees and greenery in the background.

Jealousy and accusations are common tools that controlling abusers use with their partners.

It’s a method of forcing the partner to act in a particular way, preventing them from establishing friendships, or keeping communication avenues open. It’s a way for the abuser to keep their partner close and under their control.

7. Determining who their partner can and cannot talk to.

A woman gestures with frustration while sitting on a couch next to a man who is covering his face with his hands. The man appears to be distressed, and they are in a room with a large window in the background.

No one has a right to tell you who you can and cannot talk to. A controlling person may very well try to do precisely that. They may seek to limit your exposure to friends and family members because it’s easier for them to control you and limit your ability to get help.

This doesn’t always come as an outright demand, either. It may also be masked as whining. Like, “Oh, I really don’t like your mother. Can she just not come over anymore when I’m around?”

8. Gaslighting.

A man and a woman are having a serious conversation on a couch. The man, with a serious expression, is gesturing with his finger, while the woman is gesturing with her hands, appearing to explain or argue. A lamp and a textured white wall are in the background.

Gaslighting goes a bit deeper than just lying. It is the practice of trying to make a person question their own sanity and perceptions.

As an example, John sets his phone down on the counter before he goes to the bathroom. Sarah takes the phone and hides it. John comes back for his phone, finds it’s not there, and Sarah tells him that he didn’t set it down there but will help him look for it.

After looking for a while, John heads off to look somewhere else, and Sarah puts the phone somewhere easy to find. Sarah then tells John that he must be really stressed out from work or might be having medical issues that he should get looked at since he’s been so forgetful lately.

This type of behavior is Sarah encouraging dependency and trying to negatively influence John’s mind and behavior.

9. Abuse.

A man and a woman are having an intense argument in a kitchen. The man, wearing a light blue shirt, is pointing his finger at the woman, who is wearing a gray blouse. Both appear upset, with the woman gesturing with her hands. Kitchen items are blurred in the background.

Physical, emotional, or any other type of abuse is a glaring red flag that should never be ignored.

Can you help someone with control issues?

A young couple stands in a shaded area, with the man embracing the woman from behind. The woman smiles gently, holding his hands, while the man looks at her affectionately. Both are casually dressed in dark clothing, and the background is blurred with pillars.

In many cases, a person can heal their own control issues by addressing whatever is causing them in the first place.

If it’s an untreated mental illness, treatment might provide relief and facilitate a behavioral change. If it’s the result of trauma, addressing the trauma and creating new habits can help you be healthier.

A person who feels the need to control things may experience negative emotions like anxiety, stress, depression, anger, and shame, which will also need to be addressed.

But they need to be willing. And if they’re not, nothing you can do will help. In these instances the best thing you can do for them, and you, is walk away.