Do you feel worthless?
Almost everyone will struggle with feelings of worthlessness sometimes. Self-esteem rises and falls over the course of our lives and is often influenced by the circumstances we have to deal with.
As a result, we may go through periods where we feel like we aren’t giving enough, doing enough, or just aren’t enough of anything at all. And that’s an awful thing that nobody should have to experience.
There are several different reasons why a person may feel worthless, and it’s very rarely their fault. It’s likely they’ve experienced at least one of the following in their lifetime which have contributed to this horrible feeling.
1. External expectations of perfection in childhood.
Many parents and teachers try to inspire or encourage kids to do their best, but the methods they use can be extremely counterproductive. They’ll reward a kid for getting an A on their test, and then berate and shame them for getting a C, rather than determining why the grade has fallen.
They’re far more concerned with outcome than process, and think that punishing or shaming someone to “do better” will somehow inspire them.
Are you familiar with the idiom about the carrot and the stick? It centers around what’s needed to encourage a beast of burden to move forward. The carrot is an appealing incentive to keep going, as it’s a tasty snack that they’ll get when they finally arrive at their destination. In contrast, the stick offers pain and suffering, which they’re keen on avoiding.
In many situations, emotional support such as demonstrations of love and care are withheld if the child doesn’t behave a certain way. This is common in dysfunctional families, especially if a parent has narcissistic tendencies. The parent’s love is conditional upon the child achieving certain things, as well as looking and acting the way the parent wants them to.
If the child doesn’t check all those boxes, or rebels against the expectations of them, then love is withheld. The child could be ignored, pushed away physically, even have their basic needs go unmet until they break down and behave the way they’re “supposed” to.
2. Internal expectations of perfection in adulthood.
As you can imagine, this type of programming can carry well into adulthood. A person who has been raised in this kind of environment will think very poorly of themselves if they don’t attain a particular standard. This could range from achieving top marks at university, to getting a raise or promotion within a certain amount of time once they enter the workforce.
They’re often afraid that if they don’t meet—and surpass—the milestones laid out for them, then they’ll have to deal with other people’s disappointment and abuse toward them. They’re far more used to the stick than the carrot, here.
Unfortunately, that carrot is never attained either. It’s always suspended just out of the beast of burden’s reach so they continue plodding forward, but never get their reward.
The same is true when a person has expectations of perfection. One can never be “perfect,” and on the off chance that they get close to achieving said ideal, it won’t last long. Either circumstances will change, or they will, and then they’ll have a new goalpost to slave toward.
3. Being told they were worthless during childhood and/or adolescence.
For many people, feelings of worthlessness were ingrained from early childhood onward.
In some cases, a parent comes right out and tells their kid how worthless they are. They’ll make sure that their child knows that they were unwanted or a mistake. That they should have aborted them or given them up for adoption, and that they’re nothing but a burden.
This is especially common for children with disabilities or various health issues. A child could be a straight-A student, and maybe a gifted, promising young musician on top of that. They could be sweet and kind, with a wonderful personality, but their parents consider that child’s illness, allergies, physical differences, or neurodivergence to be inconvenient and irritating.
They’ll sigh and make a fuss any time the child’s real needs interfere with their own plans or personal wants. If the child is in pain or distress, they’ll often be dismissed as acting out for attention, being dramatic, or blowing things out of proportion. So the child grows up with the feeling that anything they do or achieve will be overshadowed by the shortcomings they have no control over.
4. Cultural or social expectations that just don’t fit them.
Every cultural society has its own range of values and expectations. Some of these may overlap, while others are very different.
For example, depending on where you’re located, there may be very specific expectations placed upon you to dress and behave a certain way. Men might be expected to have fancy cars and high-paying careers, while women may only be considered to have value if they’re meek and gentle and have as many children as their bodies are capable of producing.
In other societies, worth might be determined by the neighborhood in which you’ve purchased a house, the social circles in which you interact, how diligent you are at attending religious services, and what position(s) you may hold in local governance.
As you might imagine, people whose personal leanings and interests fall outside their society’s values and expectations might be seen to have less worth than their peers who fall in line and behave as others believe they “should.”
5. A religious upbringing that they don’t agree with.
What happens if you’re born into an Orthodox Jewish or Mormon community, but you don’t believe in that religion and you don’t want to raise a dozen children? What if you’re in a very conservative environment that won’t support your gender identity, orientation, or career choice?
In situations like these, there are really only two choices: do your best to pretend to be like others in order to make them happy (masquerading as best you can and losing part of your soul in the process), or find as much joy in living a life that’s true to your real nature, thus alienating and disappointing those around you.
Any choice you make will result in someone being upset. As a result, it can be excruciating to try to determine what may be the best course of action for you. If you feel that your worth is dependent upon the approval and respect you get from others, then you’re definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
7. They’re in a position where they aren’t able to “pull their own weight.”
Most people have been raised with the idea that people who have value and worth as human beings are those who contribute to society. If someone can’t, due to disability or other circumstances, then many others will see them as “dead weight”: leeches who draw from the public good but don’t pour anything back into it.
This is a horrible type of conditioning that can do an extraordinary amount of damage to a person. Furthermore, it’s equally damaging whether a person was born with a disease or disability that causes them to be dependent, or if something happens to a person to make them unable to contribute as much as they’d like to.
Some people who feel like they’re worthless are those who previously had the ability to contribute to their family—financially or otherwise—but then circumstances shifted beyond their control. A sudden illness or injury might have lost them their job or rendered them incapable of caring for children or elders like they used to.
Suddenly, they’ve gone from a respected position of “breadwinner” or “capable parent” to someone who needs to be supported and cared for. Even if everyone around them is unconditionally loving and giving, and they don’t see them as “dead weight” by any stretch of the imagination, the person’s internal programming will say otherwise. They’ll be wracked with negative self-talk, and they might refer to themselves as a burden or a parasite, rather than someone who has anything worthy to contribute.
8. Their work or ideas haven’t been valued.
This goes beyond how your family members might have treated you as a child and ventures into realms where those you cared about and respected haven’t acknowledged or appreciated your worth.
Not all abuse or trauma happens during our early years. In fact, we can all experience abuse and trauma over the course of our lives. The experiences we have in high school and college, as well as in the workplace and in our romantic relationships, can also be formative and damaging.
When you were in school, did teachers gloss over very real contributions of yours in favor of those who were either louder or more popular? How about at work? Have you been ignored and talked over while other colleagues have been listened to and respected? Did your ideas get dismissed or your creations put in a back room in favor of others?
9. They’ve been taken for granted by their partner or family.
Examples of being taken for granted in a domestic situation can include:
– Being expected to prepare the majority of meals
– Having to be the default caregiver for children and elder parents
– Picking dirty laundry off the floor because other family members don’t have the decency to put soiled items in a basket (or do their own laundry)
– Being primarily responsible for household finances, errands, and appointments
Those are just a few examples, but regular day-to-day life responsibilities and needs add up if they aren’t attended to diligently. If the person who’s normally responsible for all of this can’t keep up for one reason or another, then either everything goes to hell, or insults about being incapable or dropping the ball start to fly. Few things can make a person feel more worthless than the implication that they are little more than an unpaid domestic servant.
While we might not remember exact words that people have said to us on various occasions, we can certainly remember how they made us feel. And if you aren’t being made to feel valued and appreciated by those around you, then you might want to reconsider your living situation.
10. They haven’t achieved things that are of value in other people’s eyes.
Our society places great value on certain things, while looking down on others. That doesn’t mean that the things—whether items or achievements—actually have more value, but rather there’s the perception that they have great worth. As a result, those who have attained or achieved them are in turn considered to have greater value than others.
For example, the amount of education a person has received, or what they do for a living will alter their supposed value in other people’s eyes. Many believe that someone who has a university degree, or holds a high-ranking professional position, has greater value as a human being than someone who’s self-taught or works with their hands.
Meanwhile, the autodidact might have far more knowledge than the degree holder, and the electrician or plumber might be making significantly more money than the college professor down the road. Those facts seem to be irrelevant, however, as it’s the perception of value and worth that seems to matter to most, rather than the reality.
The key here is once again a lack of acknowledgement. The self-taught polymath who can speak a dozen languages fluently won’t be acknowledged as a linguist because they don’t have a piece of paper from someone else saying so.
11. They’re negatively compared to others around them.
This expands upon the previous section about not having achieved things of value in other people’s eyes.
It’s one thing for the people in your life to not acknowledge your worth and achievements, but it’s even worse when they’re constantly comparing you to others. No matter what you do or how happy you are with your life, those close to you will ask why you aren’t more like someone else.
Oh, you just earned your bachelor’s degree? Well, your cousin just got a master’s. That car you just bought is nothing compared to your sibling’s luxury SUV. Your fashion sense is atrocious compared to your friend’s elegance, and your cousin is the same age as you but looks far fitter and years younger. Why can’t you be more like THEM?
Because you’re not them. You’re YOU, and you’re freaking amazing exactly as you are.
