12 tiresome signs someone is being a martyr to gain sympathy and control

These behaviors are a dead giveaway of a martyr complex.

A person with short dark hair sits at a table with eyes looking upward and arms outstretched. They wear a white long-sleeve shirt and appear exasperated or frustrated, against a plain gray background.

Martyrdom isn’t just a historical concept—it’s alive and well in modern relationships. Some people wear their sacrifices like badges of honor, using them to manipulate and control others. These self-proclaimed martyrs often believe they’re the unsung heroes of their social circles, but their behavior can be exhausting for those around them. Let’s explore the telltale signs of someone playing the martyr card.

1. They don’t trust others to do something right, so they do it themselves.

Three business professionals are focused on computer monitors. A man in a gray suit gestures towards the screens, while two women, also in business attire, closely observe. The group appears engaged in a serious discussion or analysis. Office blinds are visible in the background.

Ever had a friend who insists on handling every detail of a group project? That’s the martyr in action. They’re convinced no one else can meet their exacting standards, so they shoulder the entire burden. This behavior stems from a deep-seated need for control and a fear of imperfection. The irony? By refusing to delegate, they create a self-fulfilling prophecy where others indeed become less capable over time.

2. They then complain about how much responsibility they are “forced” to take on.

A young woman with blond hair stands in a kitchen with her hands on her hips, looking frustrated. A young man with brown hair wearing a plaid shirt sits at the counter, resting his head on his hand, appearing upset.

Listen closely, and you’ll hear the martyr’s favorite refrain: “I have no choice but to do everything myself.” They paint a picture of being trapped under an avalanche of obligations, conveniently forgetting that they often volunteer for these tasks. This narrative serves a dual purpose—it garners sympathy while simultaneously casting others as incompetent or uncaring. The martyr thrives on this perceived imbalance of responsibility.

3. They passively-aggressively make others feel guilty for not doing enough.

A woman with long dark hair stands by a window with her arms crossed, looking pensive and away from a man in the background who has his hands on his hips, appearing frustrated. The setting looks like a bedroom with soft lighting.

Masters of subtle manipulation, martyrs excel at making others feel inadequate without directly accusing them. A heavy sigh here, a pointed comment there—their arsenal is full of passive-aggressive weapons. They might say, “Oh, don’t worry about helping me with this mountain of work. I’m sure you’re busy with…something.” The guilt trip is their favorite mode of transportation, and they’re always ready for a journey.

4. They go along with the wishes of others even if they don’t want to.

A woman with long, wavy hair wearing a white t-shirt stands against a bright yellow background. She is smiling and giving a thumbs-up gesture with her right hand.

At first glance, martyrs might seem accommodating. They’ll agree to plans they dislike or take on tasks they resent. But this apparent selflessness is a clever ruse. By constantly sacrificing their own desires, they build up a reservoir of resentment they can tap into later. It’s a long-term investment in future guilt trips and complaints about their own selflessness.

5. They feel aggrieved at the one-sided nature of many of their relationships.

A senior woman and a younger woman sit on a couch in front of a window. The older woman appears to be explaining something with an expressive gesture while the younger woman, sitting with her hand on her forehead, looks away with a frustrated expression.

Martyrs are locked in a perpetual state of feeling underappreciated. They give and give, but in their eyes, no one ever reciprocates adequately. The catch? They’re often terrible at setting boundaries or communicating their needs. Instead of addressing issues directly, they prefer to simmer in resentment, adding fuel to their martyr complex. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves everyone frustrated.

6. They feel like they are victims of circumstance who have no power to change things.

A person with long hair, dressed in a maroon top and patterned leggings, is seated and leaning forward with their hands holding their head, conveying a sense of distress or frustration. The background shows a window with a view of a city skyline and water.

In the martyr’s worldview, they’re constantly at the mercy of external forces. Bad luck, unfair bosses, inconsiderate friends—these are the villains in their personal drama. This victim mentality allows them to absolve themselves of responsibility for their circumstances. By believing they’re powerless, they avoid the hard work of actually making changes in their lives.

7. They will paint themselves as a hero for all the work and effort they put in.

Black and white image of a woman with medium-length dark hair, wearing a tank top, striking a confident pose. She has her head raised, with both arms bent at the elbows and pointing at herself with her index fingers. The background is dark and gradient.

If martyrs had a superpower, it would be turning everyday tasks into epic quests. They don’t just do the dishes; they single-handedly save the household from descending into chaos. This tendency to exaggerate their efforts serves to reinforce their self-image as the unsung hero. In their personal narrative, they’re always the protagonist, valiantly struggling against a world that doesn’t appreciate their sacrifices.

8. They refuse help when offered, and then complain about a lack of support.

A man with dark hair and a beard is standing against a pink background. He is wearing a white t-shirt and has a serious expression on his face. Both of his hands are raised in front of him with palms facing outward, as if gesturing to stop or expressing caution.

The martyr’s relationship with assistance is complicated. When help is offered, they’ll often decline, insisting they can manage alone. Yet later, they’ll bemoan the lack of support they receive. This contradictory behavior stems from their need to be seen as both supremely capable and unfairly burdened. It’s a delicate balancing act that often leaves others feeling confused and frustrated.

9. They dramatize situations and their role in resolving them.

A woman on a dimly lit stage performs while holding a script in one hand and gesturing with the other. She wears a long-sleeve shirt and jeans. In the foreground, a person watches from the audience. Red theater seats and stage lights are visible.

In the martyr’s retelling, every problem becomes a crisis, and every solution hinges on their heroic intervention. A simple disagreement at work morphs into a catastrophe they narrowly averted. This dramatization serves to elevate their importance and reinforce their narrative of being indispensable. They’re not just solving problems; they’re saving the day, every day.

10. They use the phrase “After all I’ve done for you…” to remind others of their sacrifices.

Two elderly men sit on a couch in a living room. One man, in a green shirt, leans forward with his head in his hand, appearing distressed. The other man, in a maroon shirt, gestures with his hands as if offering advice or support. Shelves and a TV are in the background.

This phrase is the martyr’s trump card, pulled out when they feel particularly unappreciated. It’s a verbal sledgehammer, designed to crush any resistance with the weight of past favors. By constantly reminding others of their sacrifices, martyrs attempt to create a sense of indebtedness. It’s an emotional loan with impossibly high interest rates, leaving others feeling perpetually in arrears.

11. They insert themselves into situations where their help isn’t needed or requested.

A woman with long hair comforts a man who is visibly upset. She has one arm around his shoulder and her other hand on his arm. He is holding his head in his hands. Both are outdoors, and the background is blurred, focusing the attention on the pair.

Martyrs have a knack for finding problems to solve, even when none exist. They’ll offer unsolicited advice, take on unnecessary tasks, or involve themselves in others’ affairs uninvited. This behavior stems from their need to feel needed and important. By creating situations where they can “help,” they manufacture opportunities to showcase their selflessness and indispensability.

12. They monopolize conversations with stories of their hardships and sacrifices.

Two young women are sitting on a couch, engaged in a conversation. The woman on the left, wearing a maroon shirt, looks bored or disinterested, resting her head on her hand. The woman on the right, wearing a grey shirt, is speaking animatedly, using hand gestures.

In the martyr’s world, every conversation is an opportunity to recount their trials and tribulations. They’ll hijack discussions to detail their latest struggle or sacrifice, often drowning out others’ experiences. This conversational narcissism serves multiple purposes: it garners sympathy, reinforces their hero narrative, and subtly shames others for not matching their level of sacrifice. It’s a verbal marathon where they always aim to come first in the suffering Olympics.