If you engage in these 12 self-sabotaging behaviors, you'll forever be in your own way

Are you getting in your own way?

A man with brown hair and a beard sits on a gray couch, wearing a green button-up shirt over a white T-shirt. He appears thoughtful, looking slightly upwards. Pillows are visible on the couch. The room has soft natural lighting.

“I can’t do this. I’m not smart enough. I’ll never succeed.”

Do these phrases sound familiar?

These are all classic examples of self-sabotage. This narrative can significantly impact your health, well-being, and perspective on life.

Self-sabotaging chips away at a person’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth and convinces them that their negative self-talk is honest and accurate.

Though it can be challenging to change, it’s most certainly not impossible. Start by eliminating these 12 behaviors and you’ll soon notice you’re no longer getting in your own way.

1. Denying that you’re in your own way.

A woman with her feet on a desk is playfully holding a paper airplane. She has long brown hair, wears a green shirt and gray pants. On the desk are headphones, a notebook, a pen, a glass of water, and a potted plant in the background.

Before taking actionable steps to change, you must first realize and understand the situation. Do you acknowledge that you have limiting beliefs and negative self-talk and that you feel like you are without a purpose in life? You need to know there is a problem before you can shift the way you approach it.

2. Living without a “why”.

A man with short, messy hair and a beard is sitting indoors, looking pensive. He rests his head on his hand, with a window blurred in the background. He wears a green shirt and appears deep in thought.

Knowing your “why” is critical in getting out of your way and living your happiest life. Your “why” is the reason you wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, what often happens in life is we function on autopilot rather than living with intention.

Knowing your “why” is an integral part of being your best self, living your best life, and getting out of your own way. Once you’ve identified your why, you’re more capable of finding fulfillment and happiness in your life.

So what is a why? It’s the fire in your belly when you think of your dream. It’s the thing that makes you feel alive. Your why is your passion and purpose. Your why paints you with courage, bravery, and motivation as you drive through each day with passion and purpose.

When you face challenging turmoil, your why is what gives you the determination to persevere. Your why is what makes even the toughest of days just a little bit lighter, makes the darkest times a little bit brighter, and hugs you with compassion, empathy, and strength.

3. Talking down to yourself.

A woman with curly dark hair, wearing a green turtleneck sweater, is standing indoors, gazing out of a window with a thoughtful expression. She has her right hand resting on her chin. In the background, there are blurred elements, including a plant and shelves.

The power of negative self-talk is undeniable. Even though most of the negative inner dialogue isn’t actually true, but rather are points of your insecurities, the messaging is impactful and meaningful.

If the only things you say to yourself are destructive, self-defeating, self-sabotaging, and harmful, then it’s natural to begin thinking those are what’s true. Negative self-talk can lead to sleep problems, poor mental health, chronic stress, and more.

It’s an important habit to address when you’re trying to get out of your own way. Your inner narrative will significantly change how you view the world and your place in it.

Suppose your inner dialogue is primarily negative. For example, “I messed up everything at work today. Everything is my fault. I am not good enough.”

These thoughts manifest into your real life and result in poor mental health and problems setting and achieving goals. Essentially, this way of thinking limits your true potential. You put a roadblock in your path by speaking to yourself negatively.

In order to get out of your own way, you must change self-defeating thoughts, shift your inner dialogue, and embrace an optimistic and positive mindset.

Shifting your inner dialogue takes time, effort, and patience. The first step is to identify negative self-talk. Once you’ve identified it, determine if the thought is true. Next, explore self-talk and find proof of the dialogue. Most negative inner dialogue won’t be able to produce any proof because it’s not true. Once you’ve done these steps, you then pivot and reframe the thought.

For example, “I won’t ever get promoted at work,” might become, “If I keep working hard, opportunity will come.”

“I am the worst mom in the world,” might become, “I am a tired mom doing her best.”

Change the language you use with yourself and speak to yourself kinder, softer, and with more compassion. Speak to yourself as you would your best friend in the same situation.

4. Striving for perfection.

A woman with long, wavy hair examines a yellow plate closely with a frowning expression. She is standing in a bright kitchen with stacks of plates in front of her and potted plants on the windowsill in the background.

Many of us grow up needing to be perfect or as close to it as possible. When we make mistakes in school, it often results in lower grades or other negative consequences. When we make financial mistakes, we end up paying late penalties or increased interest rates.

Mistakes carry a negative connotation and can stifle a person’s desires, passions, and aspirations. The fear of making a mistake might stop you from living your true potential. Living with the fear of mistakes can be the barricade in your own way.

I challenge you to shift your thoughts and allow yourself to make mistakes. Give yourself the grace to try things without judgment. By making mistakes, you are allowing yourself to improve and grow.

5. Ignoring your strengths.

A man with a beard wearing a white shirt and black suspenders stands outdoors, leaning on a black railing. He gazes thoughtfully into the distance. The background features modern buildings with large windows and a neutral color palette.

If you’re standing in your own way, chances are you’re feeling weighed down by self-sabotage, negative inner dialogue, and inner self-criticism. As a result it can be very hard to focus on, or even see, your strengths. But by realizing them, you can overcome these barricades.

First, make a list of things that you’re good at, things you like about yourself, and your accomplishments. Keep your list out, within easy access, so you can constantly use it to remind yourself of your strengths.

I would challenge you to lean into your strengths to live your best life. Embracing your strengths can also be an effective tool in finding your “why.”

6. Playing the comparison game.

A person with long hair sits on the ground in an outdoor setting. They are wearing a green beanie and a light-colored striped shirt. Their hands are resting on their knees, and they have a thoughtful expression on their face. A light-colored garage door is in the background.

If you’re someone who compares yourself to others, you must know the effects of it. Comparing can be damaging and destructive, and it can leave you feeling less than and unworthy. Though sometimes comparing can be a source of motivation, it can quickly become obsessive and lead to the dismantling of positive self-worth.

When you compare yourself to others, you severely diminish any positive self-thoughts. In order to change this habit, you must increase your self-awareness and focus on self-love and self-acceptance.

By improving how you feel about yourself, you can celebrate others’ success without feeling inadequate about it. Remember that others’ success is not an indication of your failure. Only compare yourself to yourself.

To stop comparing yourself to others, you must shift your mindset. Rather than seeing others as the competition, you must see it in yourself. Comparing yourself to others is very unfair. We typically compare our weaknesses to others’ strengths, and it ends with harmful and destructive thinking. We end up feeling inadequate and unworthy.

Measure your success against yourself. Reflect on where you were in the past and how you’ve evolved since. Celebrate personal success and support others as well. Get out of your own way by being on your own team. Rather than being self-destructive and self-sabotaging, cheer yourself on. Acknowledge your successes and progress on the way to reaching your goals.

7. Spending time with toxic people.

A woman with long brown hair wearing a red sleeveless top is sitting on a couch, gesturing with her hands in a frustrated or animated manner, speaking to another woman with long brown hair wearing a striped shirt, who is seen from behind. The setting is a bright, modern living room.

We are a product of our environments, so if you’re always spending time with toxic people, there’s a good chance their toxicity is rubbing off on you. Cut off people who drain your mental capacity, make you second guess yourself, or induce negative thought cycles.

Instead, spend your time with likeminded people with goals and aspirations. Their motivation will inspire you and help you realize your own worth and value. Interact with good people who make you feel great about yourself and whom you look up to.

Build a community rather than staying in your own way. Connect with others and notice how you start feeling a sense of belonging and support. Become empowered to stay in the driver’s seat of your life.

When we spend time with toxic people, it can influence us in more ways than one. Toxicity supports negative habits, self-sabotaging behavioral patterns, self-defeating thoughts, and low self-esteem. When you find a sense of community and feel like you belong, you’ll become empowered to take control of your life and, in turn, start living your best, authentic one.

8. Trying to educate people who don’t want to learn.

Two people sit on a couch engaged in a serious conversation. The person on the left is gesturing with open hands, appearing surprised or frustrated. Both are wearing casual, light-colored clothing. Sunlight filters through white curtains in the background.

If you’re finding that you’re always on repeat, saying the same things, and trying to spread awareness about the same topics, then you’re essentially blocking your own path. This form of self-sabotaging behavior isn’t as apparent as others, but it is as detrimental, if not more so.

You must stop putting time and energy into trying to change people who aren’t interested in changing and instead refocus that energy on your passions. You’ll notice a shift when you stop trying to make people change and focus on yourself. A door will open, and suddenly you’re open to new opportunities. Don’t waste your energy on others; invest it into becoming your best self. Refocus your efforts on you.

9. Expecting success to be linear.

A person wearing a sleeveless black shirt and white earphones leans against a wall, appearing tired or contemplative. Their forehead touches their arm, which is bent at the elbow and rests against the wall.

One of the most critical lessons you’ll learn in your life is that success isn’t linear. It’s not a straight-up ride without any turns or falls. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. When you’re setting goals, you’ll likely have moments of doubt and despair, and these feelings are valid and normal.

Your personal growth is much like a heartbeat on an EKG. It goes up and down at a somewhat rhythmic pace. The downs aren’t flaws but rather learning opportunities. It’s an opportunity to evaluate where you are and where you want to go so you can take actionable measures to ensure you reach your destination.

Success isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. Leading a successful life involves looking out for yourself, not measuring your successes against others, and allowing yourself the grace to grow and evolve from the human you are now into an even better version of yourself in the future.

10. Denying personal accountability.

Close-up of a hand pointing directly towards the camera. The background is blurred, making it hard to discern any specific details, but it appears to be outdoors with a mix of green and other indistinct colors. The person’s face is slightly visible but out of focus.

Developing personal accountability is a critical component in clearing your own path. Personal accountability is when you take ownership of what happens in the situations you’re involved in rather than believing yourself to be a powerless passenger on the journey of life.

Developing personal accountability can lead to fewer conflicts within relationships, improved performance, and a greater overall sense of satisfaction with oneself.

11. Internalizing your dissatisfaction.

A man with short hair and a beard is looking directly into the camera with his hands on his head, appearing thoughtful or stressed. He is wearing a dark shirt, and the background is blurred, suggesting an indoor setting.

Take a look at your life and identify the parts of it that you feel dissatisfied with. Knowing what you aren’t happy with can help you to make a plan to evolve beyond it. Acknowledge the things that bring you joy in life and the things that are draining.

Notice the environments where your mental health is at its best and you feel heard and respected. Take note of the things you wish were different, and rather than internalizing it into self-sabotage, shift them into your motivation to change.

12. Not permitting yourself to change.

An elderly woman with gray hair and a yellow shirt is playing cards at a table. She is holding a card in her right hand, and several cards are laid out in front of her. She is sitting in a cozy room with shelves and cabinets in the background.

As humans, we are habitual creatures. We lean into doing the same things and being the same people. But, to get out of your own way, you must allow yourself to be different and space to grow, change, and evolve. You must let go of thoughts about how or where you “should be” in life. Embrace new experiences and welcome how they shape you.

You must look at the opportunity as a window for change to enter and embrace each door as if it’s a new beginning. You need to allow yourself to make mistakes, fall down, and even bleed sometimes, for it’s in these challenging moments that we find who we truly are.

Don’t fear the unknown. Move over and let yourself experience it. Let yourself be different and create your own outcome.