Some people hate solitude.
“I hate being alone,” said no introvert ever. There is no need to explain the importance of “me time” to your typical introvert. They are huge fans of solitude.
But you’re clearly not an introvert or you wouldn’t be reading this. For you, the joys of spending time in your own company may not be quite as clear. After all, there’s no one to talk to and you’re all alone with your thoughts. Where’s the fun in that?
As you get older, you may have noticed that many of your friends are less inclined to socialize than before. Maybe it’s a legacy of the COVID pandemic that has made them more reluctant to go out. It could be that the responsibilities and changing priorities of adulting have made them want to stay indoors more now.
Perhaps it’s your body that is forcing you to slow down. Maybe you can’t go out partying, attend festivals, or even go for dinner as often as you used to without regretting it a little (or a lot) afterward.
Of course, it might be much more simple than that. You might still be youthful and have lots of opportunities to socialize but would like to learn how to be content with yourself when the buzz of being around others dies down.
Whatever the case may be, you feel like everyone got the memo on solitude but you. If you are ready to see for yourself what the fuss is all about, below are some tips to help you learn how to enjoy your own company.
1. Understand the difference between being alone and being lonely.
Many people confuse being alone with being lonely. That’s why there’s such a tremendous push to always be surrounded by people or busy doing something. If you’re home alone on a Friday or Saturday night, some people assume it’s because you have no social life. Heaven forbid, you’re staying home because you want to rest or enjoy a night in.
Understanding the difference between being alone and being lonely will help you know which to cultivate and which to be concerned about. That way you can stop feeling embarrassed when others throw pitying looks your way when they learn you’re staying in for the night.
The difference between being alone and being lonely is twofold. One is the fact that being alone is a matter of choice. When you are alone, you choose to step away from social interactions. Instead of filling the void created by a lack of people around you, you choose quiet. You choose to prioritize yourself. There is no need to compromise your needs for the good of the group. No need to talk when you don’t want to. No need to be anything other than yourself. The second difference is that being alone refers only to the physical state of being by yourself. Simply, no one is around you.
Loneliness, on the other hand, is never a choice someone willingly makes. It’s a consequence of a person’s situation. Loneliness is an emotional state where you feel disconnected from other people. It can happen when you are alone or when you’re in a room full of people. You can be single and feel lonely, but also be married and feel lonely. It has nothing to do with who is around or what you are doing. But everything to do with how you feel.
As you will see, being alone has many benefits, while being lonely can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, sleep problems, and increased stress.
2. Change your mindset.
Human beings are social creatures. We thrive when we’re in relationships or connecting with other people. But you know what else is beneficial to us and our mental health? Solitude.
Now, this may be a little hard to believe because over the years we’ve been taught to think that enjoying our own company or preferring to stay indoors is creepy or weird. All the popular kids in school tended to be pretty extroverted. Even at work, the people others gravitate to the most are typically quite outgoing. Not to mention, you can turn down invites to socialize only so many times before people label you a snob or recluse.
The pressure to socialize is so intense, especially during your teenage years through to your twenties, that going out becomes a compulsion. You start going out, not because you want to, but because it’s expected of you.
Being alone with your thoughts gets a bad rep. As many benefits as being social has on our wellbeing, so also does being alone. Some benefits of solitude include: increased empathy, increased productivity, greater creativity, increased mental clarity, self-discovery, a sense of autonomy, an absence of pressure, and improved concentration.
Solitude, then, is not as bad as it has been made out to be. It certainly isn’t something to be feared or ashamed of. Changing your views on enjoying your own company will help you glean the benefits of this practice without feeling guilty or ashamed.
3. Make a plan for “me time.”
If you are just learning how to enjoy being alone, you must take it one step at a time. Otherwise, you’ll be bored out of your mind. When you’re the type of person who is always surrounded by other people, the silence of solitude can be deafening. It will take a bit of time for you to start enjoying the quiet of being alone.
So, make a plan for your “me time.” What would you like to do that you normally don’t get a chance to do? Is there a restaurant that you’ve been dying to visit but can’t find anyone to accompany you? Go by yourself! Would you like to watch a movie that your social group would not be interested in? Watch it by yourself! Do something you’ve always wanted to try but never could.
You could also plan to do the things you enjoy. Are you an outdoor person? Why not go for a hike (somewhere safe) or have a picnic at a local park? Do you like to read? This is the perfect time to pick up that book you’ve been meaning to tackle.
This time can be used to do literally anything. That’s what is so great about it—the choice is yours. But make a plan for it so you’re not stuck watching the paint dry on your walls.
4. Turn off social media.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t take social media with you. Turn it off. This time is about reconnecting with yourself and your interests. It’s not about mindlessly scrolling through social media or being distracted by the message notifications that pop up on your phone.
Social media will only distract you from focusing on yourself. Think of this time as a date you’ve been looking forward to having. After crushing on this person for so long, you finally worked up the nerve to ask them out, or they finally asked you out. The last thing you’re going to do is spend that time on your phone. You’ll give them your undivided attention. If you can do that for someone else that may or may not be in your life long term, why can’t you do it for yourself?
Treat yourself right and give yourself your undivided attention.
5. Check in with yourself.
You know when you are greeted for the first time during the day and politely asked, “How are you?” You’most likely paste a smile on your face and respond with an equally polite, “Fine, thank you.” It doesn’t matter if you’re having the worst day of your entire life. Your response will usually always be, “Fine, thank you.”
The thing about solitude is that you don’t have to pretend when you’re by yourself. There’s no need to act as if everything is ok when your world is falling apart. You already know it’s not, so the pressure to keep up appearances isn’t there. In solitude, you have the freedom to say everything as it is.
Grab your journal and ask yourself, “How are you doing?” Pour your heart out to yourself. If you’re feeling like crap, say so. Talk about how your partner is getting on your very last nerve. Rant about how much you hate your job (or love it, if that’s how you feel). Above all, be honest with yourself about how you’re doing.
6. Make a gratitude list.
After pouring out the good, the bad, and the ugly into your journal, make a gratitude list. Write down every little insignificant and significant thing that you are grateful for.
Is it that morning cup of coffee that you enjoy at your desk each day? Write it down. Could it be the way your son or daughter screams excitedly when you arrive home after work? Put it on the list. Maybe it’s something simple, like the scent of flowers or the chirping of birds that wakes you up in the mornings.
Anything and everything that makes you smile, happy, or feel better is put on your gratitude list. This might seem like a quick activity, especially if you think your life is pretty crappy. But when you get really into this process of reviewing your life, you’ll find you have a lot to be grateful for.
7. Take a solo trip.
Have you ever wanted to go to Guatemala but had no one to go with you? Or were you interested in visiting Vietnam, but no one else was? Maybe your dream destination is Seychelles, but none of your friends or family members seem to share that desire.
If you’ve been daydreaming about traveling to an exotic locale, you are not alone. Now more than ever, people are embracing traveling by themselves. They are not trying to convince friends or family members to join them, nor waiting for the right time when everyone’s schedules are free. There’s no irritating back-and-forth discussions regarding what to do with their travel partner. They are just packing up their bags and going. Alone.
Traveling alone not only saves you the headache of having to compromise with other people on what to do and where to go, but it also gives you a chance to immerse yourself in the culture and meet new people. You get to see the world on your own terms.
8. Spoil yourself.
When was the last time you treated yourself to something special? If you’re like many people, you probably can’t remember the last time you did something special for yourself. Perhaps you think you don’t even deserve anything special.
Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. You’re doing a lot better than you think. And you deserve a little celebration.
So, ask yourself, “What can I do for myself today?” Think of one thing that is within your control, that you can do for yourself today, that will make you happy. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t even have to cost a penny.
But it needs to make you happy. It could be taking a long bubble bath after work or a walk in the park. Maybe you could read a book or declutter and decorate a space that you can use as your relaxation spot. It could be something artsy, like painting a picture, even if you don’t have an artistic bone in your body.
Whatever you decide to do to spoil yourself, make sure it is something that truly makes you happy.
9. Take yourself out on a date.
You have a date that you’ve been looking forward to for a long time. It’s certain to be a fun time because you share the same interests, you really like the person, and your plans for the evening are activities you’ve been looking forward to doing. This date has the potential to be the best date you’ve ever been on. And the best part is it’s with yourself.
The date will be free of any awkward silences. There will be no need to worry about your date being boring. Since the date was planned by you, for you, it’s sure to be awesome.
Take yourself out on a date that you wish someone else would take you out on. Get dressed. Go watch a play or bungee jumping or wine tasting. Spend the evening focusing on yourself.
Treat yourself the way you wish your significant other would treat you.
10. Have a fancy meal alone.
Depending on where you live, there could be a fancy restaurant nearby. If you live in a metropolitan area, there’s probably a new restaurant opening pretty regularly. Take yourself out to a fancy restaurant and have a nice meal.
If this is a little intimidating for you to do alone, go during off-peak periods, like during the day. Definitely don’t go on Fridays, Saturdays, and usually on Sundays. Those are prime date or family dinner times when restaurants tend to be packed.
Be prepared for a slight pause or a weird look when you tell the host/hostess that you’d like a table for one. Since many people don’t know about the joys of solitude, you’re bound to catch them off guard with your request to dine alone. Ignore their ignorance and enjoy your fancy solo meal.
You don’t have to share anything on your plate nor wait for the other people at your table to decide what they want to eat. If you’re the one who usually takes a long time to choose, you don’t have to feel rushed to order. This meal is all about you.
11. Take a staycation.
Who wouldn’t want to be whisked away for a spur-of-the-moment weekend break? Imagine getting home from work on Friday, your bags packed and hotel reservations made in a quiet place a few towns away. Throw in a massage, fishing on the lake, or a relaxing swim in the pool and you’ll feel as though you are in paradise.
Don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Do it for yourself. Pack your bags and go on a staycation. Go to an area of your city or country you’ve never been to before and act like a tourist.
If you prefer, stay indoors and use the hotel’s facilities to have a relaxing trip. Fresh towels that you didn’t wash. The food you didn’t have to buy from the grocery store and cook yourself. In a clean room you don’t have to tidy. Take a hot shower or soothing bubble bath, throw on a freshly washed bathrobe, and call it a night.
You may not be able to afford a trip out of the country right now. But you might be able to swing a weekend stay at a B&B that is two towns over.
12. Beautify your space.
Look around your space. If you are in your office or at home, take a minute to observe your surroundings. As you take it all in, what feelings does your space evoke in you? Do you feel happy to be there? Are you feeling relaxed? Is your space conducive to your mental health?
If it’s not, it’s time to beautify your space. It might just require you to clean up the clutter that you’ve been amassing over the years. Get some tips from Marie Kondo and get brutal with decluttering. You might want to redecorate so that your space reflects what makes you happy. If you hate the color of your space, change it.
When you get to the office in the morning, does the pile of documents on your desk make you feel depressed? Create a filing system. Put up pictures of people and things that make you smile. A picture of a loved one is sometimes enough to improve your mood, especially in the office when you’re having a bad day.
Do whatever you can to make your environment more conducive for you.
13. Answer the question: What would make me happy?
Life is too short to be miserable. We’ve probably heard variations of this statement throughout our lives. While we may theoretically believe it, we rarely put it into practice.
Ask yourself, are you happy? Truly happy with your life?
If you’re not, answer the question, “What would make me happy?” This question will require some quiet introspection. Because, depending on how long you’ve been unhappy with your life, you might not even know what happiness means for you.
If you are always surrounded by people, you might not realize that different people define happiness differently. Your group of friends may find happiness in traveling around the world, but for you, happiness is a small farm surrounded by nature and animals. Define what happiness is for you.
Then figure out how to shift your life from what it is presently to what you’ve envisioned. If happiness requires you to earn more money, then how can you improve your skills to increase your earning potential? Maybe happiness is being surrounded by children all day, but you work in an office with adults. How can you transition your career from what it is now to one that involves children?
A happier you benefits everyone around you. Don‘t feel guilty about changing your life to improve your general wellbeing. And you are sure to enjoy being by yourself more when you are in a better place mentally.
14. Make it a habit.
Make spending time alone part of your routine. Doing so regularly will help you become more comfortable in your own company. Eventually, you’ll even enjoy the spurts of time where you get to reconnect with yourself and reboot.
Enjoying your own company is a gift that everyone should try to cultivate. It gives you a chance to check in with yourself. You can never be bored because you know how to entertain yourself. Best yet, you get to know yourself better.
Solitude allows you to be your own best friend.
