Couples who end up arguing more than they talk make these 10 common mistakes

Are You Making These 10 Mistakes?

A man and woman are sitting on a sofa, engaged in an intense argument. The man, in a light blue sweater, gestures with open hands, while the woman, wearing a yellow blouse, responds emphatically with raised hands. They are in a living room setting.

How often does an exclamation of irritation or even anger at your partner’s failure to see your point of view escape from your oh-so-frustrated lips?

More often than you’d care to admit, I bet.

Perhaps you’re even turning into that couple who can’t seem to have a conversation without it descending into misunderstandings and tit-for-tat arguments.

Be warned, couples who make these 10 mistakes usually end up arguing more than talk, and we all know how that ends.

1. They Don’t Spend Enough Time Together

A man is putting on a jacket while a woman combs her long hair. Both are wearing business attire, with the man in a suit and tie and the woman in a white blouse and black skirt. They appear to be getting ready, standing in a well-lit, modern room.

Everything else is pretty much irrelevant if you don’t make an effort to share the same space.

Many of the things you do as a couple may seem insignificant, but never underestimate the value of simply spending time together.

Reading the newspaper, watching TV, cooking, listening to music, or even doing the laundry may all seem trivial and meaningless, but sharing these things is as important – maybe more so – to boosting the health of your relationship than talking about how you feel.

Failing to share these basic activities can lead to a gulf in communication and a mutual lack of understanding.

2. They Think Opening Up Will Make The Situation Worse

A woman with long hair, wearing a pink sweater and a watch, rests her head on her hand while sitting on a couch, looking thoughtful. A blurred person in a checkered shirt sits in the background. The scene appears to be indoors with soft lighting.

Some people are afraid to talk properly with their partners because they think it will make the overall situation worse.

They worry that by bringing up a grievance or being too open about their own issues, they risk alienating their partner or causing an argument. Or they simply don’t want to hurt the other person.

But unless your partner is abusive or a narcissist, this shouldn’t be the case. The truth is, open and honest communication is the bedrock of any solid and stable relationship.

What you really ought to fear is misunderstandings and letting any problems you may have lay undealt with. Not communicating will always pose a bigger threat to a relationship than speaking from the heart.

3. They Take Each Other For Granted

A woman in a casual outfit is vacuuming the floor with a yellow and silver vacuum cleaner in a living room. In the background, a man in a denim jacket and jeans is sitting on a light blue sofa, eating snacks and watching her. The room is modern and bright.

Couples who fight more than they communicate often underestimate the value of a word or two of thanks or appreciation between partners. We often just take for granted the myriad small things which one does for the other.

Kind thoughts, gestures, and deeds go a long way toward showing you understand the external stresses and problems your partner may be going through.

Little acknowledgments like this, which frankly take zero effort, have untold value in terms of reaffirming a relationship.

4. They Don’t Compliment Each Other

A woman with long hair and a white shirt stands in the foreground, looking contemplative, while a man in a white shirt stands in the blurred background. They are inside a room with shelves filled with various items.

Communication isn’t all about the negative harping on about your grievances. It’s really important to use positive words to reinforce your relationship and show how much you care.

As long as they are genuine and heartfelt, be sure to actually form the words to say how much you like your partner’s new dress or shirt, or how delicious the dinner they cooked was.

It’s so very easy for these nice thoughts to flit through your head without you actually vocalizing them. It’s also tragically easy to stop noticing these things altogether.

Paying a compliment takes little effort and is easy to do once it becomes a habit. These short and seemingly trivial phrases communicate to your partner that you notice him or her and you’re happy he or she is in your life.

Don’t hold back from telling your partner how deeply you love and care for them. Assuming that they know how you feel is never okay. Hearing the words “I love you” is a constant reassurance and reaffirmation of your feelings.

5. They Don’t Get Physical

A woman sits on a bed, looking thoughtful and concerned, with her hands resting on her cheeks. In the background, a man sits turned away, facing a window. The room is softly lit with natural light.

Communication in a loving relationship isn’t just about words, of course, but deeds too. If you’re fighting more than you’re talking, there’s a good chance you’re fighting more than you’re touching too.

And I don’t just mean bedroom antics – not that I’m underestimating the value of making love as a way of communicating your love and affection for your partner.

If you want to improve the depth and effectiveness of your communication and understanding, it’s the consistent small gestures, like holding hands, kissing hello and goodbye, repeated umpteen times each day, which will have the greatest effect.

Touching shows how much you care without the need for words – especially valuable since words can easily be misconstrued. Never underestimate the power of a hug.

The love and affection that’s shown and felt in these apparently inconsequential actions is far greater than you might think.

In the busyness of 21st century life, they’re also the things which are very easily forgotten amid the rush.

6. They Skip The Basics, Like Asking About Each Others’ Day

A woman and a man are sitting back-to-back on a couch. The woman, in a yellow top, is writing in a notebook, while the man, in a red top, is using a laptop. They appear focused on their tasks. A shelf with decorative items is in the background.

After the all-important kiss hello, do you make a habit of asking how your partner’s day went? If not, why not?

Some people are more forthcoming than others about sharing the details and this might not be the right moment for that. Just expressing an interest, though, opens the channels of communication.

It may be that something is on their mind and things didn’t go so well. They may not feel like talking about it at that moment. But your expression of interest means that they can share their concerns when they’re ready and know that you’ll listen.

7. They Let Social Media Trump Social Interaction

A man and woman sit in a living room, each absorbed in their smartphones. The man sits on a dark sofa in the foreground, wearing a light sweater, while the woman is on another sofa in the background, partially obscured by a table and lit lamp.

How much time do you and your loved one spend in the same or different rooms communicating enthusiastically and animatedly with ‘friends’ on social media?

Be honest.

Too much time is the most likely answer.

It’s ironic that so many of us spend large amounts of our time interacting that way, while failing to connect on anything but a superficial level with those who share our lives.

Although I guess you could argue that sitting in the same room staring at your phones qualifies as ‘spending time together’ (point 1), there’s something peculiarly divisive about it.

You may be together in a physical sense, but you’re focusing on the activities of people, known and unknown, who are far away.

Set some limits on the amount of time you spend Twittering and the like and switch the focus to interacting with your significant other. It will pay dividends, for sure.

8. They Hear, But They Don’t Actually Listen

A woman with blonde hair wearing a striped shirt sits at the edge of a bed, looking distressed and holding her forehead. In the background, a man with dark hair leans back, propped up on the bed, appearing to be in a reflective or troubled state.

It’s one thing to hear and quite another to actually listen. One of the biggest compliments you can pay your partner is that of actually listening to what they say. This is especially true when you’re making an effort to improve communication between you.

When you explain the issue you have with something your partner may have said or done, make sure you actually listen to their response.

It’s all too easy to second-guess the answer and be ready with the next in your barrage of questions and exclamations. Be sure to give her/him a chance to speak and listen carefully to their reply. If you need further clarification, then it’s fine to ask more questions to make sure you really comprehend their point of view.

Of course, it could be that you disagree with their overall point, but if that’s the case, wait until they’ve finished speaking before expressing your view.

By using this technique, you may find out that it’s you who’s got the wrong end of the stick or that he/she was unaware of your feelings or whatever. It’s only by actually ‘actively’ listening that you’ll find out.

9. They Play The Blame Game

A man and woman are arguing in a partially renovated room. The man has a pencil in hand and is wearing a tool belt, while the woman, holding a paintbrush and measuring tape, looks frustrated. Both are standing near a table with renovation tools.

If you and your partner fight a lot, you may find you’re falling into the common trap of using accusatory phrases like “You always…,” “You never…,” “You make me…,” and “You didn’t…”

These phrases point blame and can make your partner feel as if they’re under attack. They then go into defensive mode and things can unravel from there.

Try a different approach instead by using “I” instead of “you” statements. Something like “I feel upset when…,” softens the tone and removes the blame element from whatever point you’re making.

10. They Bottle Up Resentments And Misunderstandings

A woman with long brown hair looks intently at the camera, sitting in bed against a wooden headboard. In the foreground, a person with curly hair is blurred, facing away from the camera, resting their chin on their hand.

It’s an old chestnut, but nonetheless relevant here:

Never let the sun go down on an argument.

If you want to talk more than you argue, get any frustrations or angst that you have about your partner’s behavior, or about something they’ve said, out in the open before you go to sleep.

The easiest option is to remain silent, but it’ll always be harder to hark back to the topic tomorrow and your negative feelings may have intensified by then.

An issue which could have been easily smoothed over the previous evening becomes a bigger and bigger deal and a way more dangerous beast to reckon with.