If your spouse blames you for everything, take these 10 steps before it's too late

Spouse blame is a common problem.

An older man and woman are having a heated argument in a brightly lit room. The woman, with short blonde hair, gestures with open hands. The man, with gray hair, looks frustrated, raising his palms upward. They stand near large windows with curtains.

It is starting to get old. “My spouse blames me for everything.”

Does your husband or wife seem to accuse you all the time?

Listen closely: you are not to blame.

Naturally, there may be some things that are partly your responsibility. Some actions you took (or didn’t take), some words you spoke, some treatment of your spouse.

You are human after all.

But blame and responsibility are two very different things. If your partner blames you for all things, all of the time, that’s a very inaccurate picture of the situation.

Let’s explore what you can do about it, before it’s too late.

1. Work out what actually is your fault.

A woman with dark hair looks frustrated, resting her head on her hand, while a man in the background appears upset, sitting on a couch. Both wear casual clothing, and the background is bright and softly focused.

When your partner blames you for everything, it can be difficult to assess what is and what is not your fault. You should be willing to accept some responsibility for things that you had a level of influence over, but you can’t do that if you’re confused by your partner’s comments.

This is important, because whilst taking responsibility is a good thing, taking all the accountability all of the time will harm your mental well-being in the long run. You definitely should not be apologizing for things that you weren’t to blame for.

The key is to look at the situation rationally and work out the flow of cause and effect. What is your partner blaming you for (the effect)? What are the circumstances that led to that thing (the cause)? Were you involved in those? Did you have a hand in anything that might be considered a cause?

If you are aware that some of the blame is on you, and you apologize for your role, you shouldn’t then have to endure further comment about how useless you are. You have said sorry and your partner should accept that and move on. If they keep going on about it, you’re getting into verbal and emotional abuse territory.

2. Don’t fight blame with blame.

Two people sit on a green sofa engaged in a heated argument, gesturing emphatically with their hands. The person on the left wears glasses and a light shirt, while the one on the right wears a white shirt. A plant is visible in the background.

When you truly believe that something you’re being blamed for isn’t your fault, it can feel right to turn the blame back on the other person.

But escalation of this sort is rarely a good move.

Your spouse is not going to suddenly stop and say, “Actually, you are right, I am to blame.”

Instead, they will get defensive and angry.

They will accuse you of trying to wriggle out of it, to shirk responsibility – even if that’s exactly what they are doing in the first place.

3. Use neutral language upon being blamed.

A woman in a yellow shirt sits thoughtfully on a couch, resting her chin on her hand. A man in a blue sweater sits beside her, gesturing with open arms. They appear to be having a serious conversation in a bright living room.

Instead of blaming your partner back, focus only on how their accusations make you feel.

And avoid saying “you” in any sentence.

Instead, use “I” statements that reflect on their actions without specifically mentioning them.

“I feel hurt and upset by that,” is one example of how you might phrase things.

And as much as you may wish to argue your case, it’s often better to leave it at that.

This isn’t an admission of fault. It’s simply a way for you to express yourself without leading to pointless conflict.

4. Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.

A woman sits pensively on a couch, resting her chin on her hand, appearing upset. A man sits nearby, gesturing with one hand, seemingly talking to her. The room is softly lit, with shelves and decor in the background.

For an easy life, you might be tempted to say sorry when there really isn’t anything to feel sorry about. Or you might be tempted to just stay quiet when your spouse blames you for everything. But the message you send by doing this is that you are okay with being blamed. This will only reinforce their behavior and make it more frequent.

You should be able to say, in a calm and neutral voice, that you do not accept responsibility for all the problems they are trying to blame you for (assuming it was in no way your fault).

By using this approach consistently, you teach your spouse that you are not prepared to sit back and let them take their issues out on you.

Keep your statement short but unequivocal, such as, “I am not willing to accept responsibility for that.” Then, if possible, leave the situation in a calm way – walk off, don’t storm off.

A word of caution: if your partner is physically abusive toward you, standing up for yourself like this can lead to further physical harm. The best thing you can do in such a situation is to find a way to safely leave that toxic relationship for good.

5. Show them respect and regain their respect.

A woman and a man sit at a table with teacups, a laptop, and a stack of pancakes topped with berries. They are engaged in conversation in a bright, modern kitchen. The woman gestures with her hands while the man listens attentively.

Respect is essential in any relationship, and by blaming you for everything, your partner is failing to show you any.

But that’s no reason to stop respecting them in return. That sort of tit-for-tat mindset only leads to greater conflict and ill-feeling.

By continuing to treat your spouse with respect, you are showing them the type of person you are. You are not stooping to their level.

And, in fact, being respectful toward them can earn you their respect in return.

It’s one of several ways in which you can win back the respect you once had from them.

6. Recognize the signs of emotional abuse.

A woman with her hands on her temples appears frustrated while a man behind her raises his hand and seems angry. Both are indoors in a room with white walls and minimal furniture.

Persistent blaming of a partner is one sign of emotional abuse, but it’s far from the most harmful.

It is worth looking for the other potential signs that indicate a more serious case of abuse.

Where emotional abuse is present in its many different forms, you have to be honest with yourself about whether this marriage is worth fighting for.

As seriously as you may take your wedding vows, there are circumstances in which separation and then divorce are justified and reasonable.

7. Check in with your partner to see if they are okay.

A man and a woman sit on a couch; the man has his arm around the woman's shoulder, offering comfort. The woman, with long dark hair, looks downward with a sad expression. The background shows plants and soft furnishings.

If your partner is having a hard time for whatever reason – stress over a new job, for example – they may need to get help. But they might not be able to make it happen by themselves.

Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to say to them, “Hey, I’m worried about you. I can see that things are really hard for you right now. Are you okay? Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

Simply checking in with your partner might be enough to trigger some walls to crumble and for them to open up and admit that they are struggling. That’s the first step they need to take in order to seek the kind of help they might need.

Pick your moment to have an honest conversation about this. Don’t do it straight after one of their outbursts. Wait until they are in a calm emotional state and they will be far more receptive to your question and more willing to talk about whatever it is that is bothering them.

8. Take into account any stress or mental health problems they are experiencing.

A man with a concerned expression places his hand on the shoulder of a woman who appears distressed. She is holding her head with one hand and looking down. The setting is indoors with dim lighting and a blurry painting in the background.

You probably know that your partner’s mental health issues are best approached with care, consideration, and understanding. But that doesn’t mean you should roll over and allow them to continue to blame you rather than risk upsetting them further by standing your ground.

They may well have suffered in the past and still be suffering now – and that’s totally okay – but it’s on them if they take their issues out on you. It is their own accountability and they shouldn’t be using their issues as an excuse to treat you poorly.

Your spouse needs to get help. And it is they who will have to take those steps, with your support, of course. If they are already getting help, they need to stick with it and follow the advice they are given, or the medication they are prescribed.

What you have to be careful of is that you don’t enable them to avoid addressing their issues by accepting poor treatment from them. If you don’t speak up for yourself and let your partner know that the blame game they are playing is unacceptable, there’s a good chance they won’t ever see the need to seek the kind of help that could improve their mental well-being.

Whilst mental health concerns may be a reason why your spouse blames you, they are not an excuse. You can be loyal to your spouse only up to a point. If they continue to treat you poorly and refuse to seek help, you might have to end the relationship and love them from afar.

You should never allow your partner’s mental health problems to become the catalyst for your own mental health problems, which they might be if you take their blame and abuse lying down. You have to put your own welfare ahead of theirs when push comes to shove.

9. Approach marriage counseling carefully.

A man is talking with his hands gesturing while sitting on a couch next to a distressed woman wiping her eyes. In front of them, a person with curly hair is holding a notepad and sitting in a chair, possibly a therapist or counselor.

When a marriage hits the rocks, it might seem natural to turn to counseling as a couple. But you must be careful about how you go about it.

Firstly, when suggesting counseling, talk about how you wish to rebuild your relationship and the positives that might come of it. Mention how you would like to learn better ways to communicate and find out if there is anything else you can do to make the marriage work better.

Be humble, admit that you have flaws, and say that you want to address them. Don’t pitch relationship coaching as a way to apportion blame – this implies that they are to blame for some of the problems you face.

They will not take kindly to this and will probably resist counseling altogether.

If it is feasible, it might be worth looking into individual counseling to help you both come to terms with the relationship and your own issues.

Your spouse might feel more able to explore their tendency to blame others (i.e. you) with a mental health professional than with you or a couples therapist.

And you might also benefit from some form of therapy in terms of your assertiveness, boundary setting, self-confidence, or anything else.

It might certainly help persuade them to seek help if you are doing the same. They won’t feel like it is only they who needs to make changes – thus avoiding inferring that they are to blame.

10. Be patient.

An older couple sits on a blue couch in a bright room, both appearing upset. The woman in the foreground is looking down, with her hand on her cheek. The man in the background is turned away, looking out the window.

Even if your goal is to reach a point where your spouse stops blaming you for everything, you can’t expect to get there quickly.

Understand that, for them, blaming others is a tool that they use to deal with the challenges they face both in your relationship and in a wider context.

It has become a coping mechanism – no matter how unhealthy.

If you try to get them to go cold turkey on blaming you or others, you take away a method that they use to self-soothe.

As a result, they may turn to other tools such as anger or withdrawal which are potentially even more damaging.

Take things slowly, one day at a time, and focus on the improvements they make, even if they sometimes seem to take two steps forwards, one step back.