What To Do If Your Man Doesn't Comfort You When You're Upset: 10 Tips

Does It Seem Like He Doesn’t Care?

A woman appears deep in thought, resting her chin on her hand, while a man sits in the background with his arms crossed, looking away. Both seem to be in a contemplative or tense moment on a sofa.

Depending on the reason, you can help your man change his attitude toward your tears and upset.

Regardless of his reasons, maybe he would be willing to put effort into improving himself and showing you more affection in ways you like to receive it.

If you need your man to show care when you are upset, there’s nothing wrong with that. He should be able to understand it and work on giving you what you need.

If your man refuses to change, you will have no choice but to either accept things as they are and seek comfort elsewhere or end the relationship and find someone more compassionate.

Try the following first though, because fixing the problem in your relationship might be easier than you think.

1. Think about how often you get upset and why.

A woman sits on a chair with her head in her hands, visibly upset. In the background, a man sits on a couch, also with his head in his hands, appearing distressed. The scene suggests a tense or emotional moment between them.

Have you’ve been getting upset a lot lately? Do little things make you cry because there’s something big that you’re trying to push under the rug?

If so, try talking to a therapist about it. Spend some time really thinking about the reasons you are so upset lately and try to get to the root.

A therapist can help you deal with these problems and start smiling more often. While your partner should be there for you when you need him, he can’t solve all your problems and you shouldn’t expect him to.

If you are crying or upset frequently, there’s a problem that you need to start addressing.

2. Talk to him!

A woman with a concerned expression sits on a couch, leaning her head on her hand, attentively listening to a man gesturing with his hands. The background includes a plant and part of a window with curtains.

Think about what you want to say to your partner and find the appropriate quiet time to say it. Instead of criticizing him for not comforting you, talk about how that makes you feel. You probably feel lonely when he shuts down.

If you can remember a time when he did what you wanted in a situation when you cried, mention it, and say how that made you feel too. You probably felt loved when he put his arm around you while you were upset.

Be specific when you talk about what he did back then and communicate your feelings well. He should start to understand your needs better.

3. Give him examples of when you needed him and why.

A man and a woman are sitting on a red sofa in a well-lit living room. The man, wearing glasses and a white shirt, has his arm around the woman, who is wearing a yellow top. They appear to be engaged in a serious conversation. A coffee table and plants are visible.

While you should mention the times when he was there for you, give him examples of when he wasn’t and how that made you feel.

Mention specific situations and what you wish that he had done differently.

Don’t be dismissive if he responds by explaining the ways he did support you at those times. He might even make you notice that he shows you support in ways you didn’t even think about. Either way, try to explain why you need him to behave differently at such times.

For instance, maybe you can understand that he can’t relate to what you are feeling when you are upset, but if he would hug you, it would make you feel better. It’s a way he can help fix the problem.

Try not to blame him for everything and focus on your feelings.

4. Ask him if he doesn’t know what to do.

A woman and a man are sitting outdoors on a bench, engaged in a conversation. The woman is leaning forward with her arms resting on her knees, wearing a white sleeveless top and sunglasses on her head. The man in a white t-shirt is touching his forehead. Trees are in the background.

Let him open up about his feelings because maybe he feels frustrated or helpless when he sees your tears.

Ask him if he doesn’t know how to react at those times. Maybe he feels like he needs to either solve the problem or get out of your way and let you process your feelings on your own.

Ask him how he likes to be comforted when he’s hurting. If he would like nothing more but to be alone with his thoughts at times like that, it makes sense that he assumes you want the same.

It also makes sense that seeing you upset or crying is painful to him.

Talk about your feelings, and you might be surprised with what you learn about your man.

5. Explain what you would like him to do.

A man with dark hair, wearing a light blue denim shirt, is engaged in a conversation with a woman whose back is to the camera. The man rests his head on his hand and looks attentively at the woman in a casual indoor setting.

It might feel silly to tell someone that you need them to hug you when you are upset, but it’s worth trying if it will help your man understand your needs better.

Let him know that you’d like to cuddle with him when you feel sad, or that you just need to talk to him about the problem and you just need him to be there and listen.

Maybe you could even mention some specific ways he could cheer you up when you’re hurting.

Don’t be afraid to explain what you want from him because solving your problem might even be that simple, even if it doesn’t seem that way now.

6. Ask for what you need when you need it.

A close-up of a couple hugging each other. The man, with a beard, is wearing a gray t-shirt, and he has one hand gently placed on the woman's head. The woman, also in a gray shirt, has her head resting on the man's chest with a serene expression.

Men sometimes say that their lives would be easier if women would just ask for what they need when they need it, instead of making them figure out what’s on their minds. Why not test that theory?

When you need a hug, ask for one!

You’d like your man to intuitively know how to comfort you, but if he doesn’t, try just asking for what you want from him.

With time, he will learn what you need, and reacting that way will become normal to him.

Don’t do the whole “You can do what you want” thing to wait to see if he’ll make the wrong move. Say what you want, and you will probably get it.

7. Appreciate his efforts.

A man gently comforts a woman who appears upset. She sits with her head bowed and arms folded, while he places a reassuring hand on her shoulder and leans close. The mood is calm and supportive, and the setting seems to be indoors.

If your partner has already been putting at least a little effort into comforting you, show appreciation for that. The same goes for any progress he might make after you try the suggestions from this article.

After you have a conversation about it, and your partner starts giving you what you need when you’re sad, show him that it makes you feel better and that you are grateful for the effort he’s putting into being a better partner to you.

Even if things still aren’t exactly the way you want them to be, appreciate his efforts. This will encourage him to keep trying to make you happy.

8. Be there for him.

A woman with curly hair leans over a man sitting on the floor, smiling and giving him a shoulder massage. The man has his eyes closed and a relaxed expression. They are in a cozy living room with shelves filled with books and a couch in the background.

Just like your partner should be there for you, you should be there for him. Just remember that he might need a different kind of support than you do.

While your response to sadness is to cry or get upset, maybe he needs to take a walk, play sports, or watch TV when he feels blue.

Let him tell you how he needs to be comforted without assuming that he needs the same things you do.

When he feels sad, respect his need to do whatever it is that he does to make himself better. Ask him what he needs from you. If he needs to be alone, don’t pressure him into letting his emotions out the same way you do.

9. Get support from your friends and family.

A person with long brown hair is seen from behind, sitting in a chair. Another person, partially visible, has placed a comforting hand on their shoulder, offering support and reassurance. The background is blurred.

Your partner is not the only one who could be there for you at times of need.

Sometimes, he might not be the right person to talk to about the problem. Your family or your friends might understand you better or be able to help you in ways you are used to receiving help.

Don’t forget that you can also seek the help of a therapist, who likely has more insight into situations like the one you’re dealing with than your loved ones do.

If your loved ones can’t relate to the problem you’re experiencing, there’s always someone who can. You can talk to a professional about anything that bothers you.

10. Learn to self-soothe.

A person wearing headphones relaxes on a gray sofa, smiling with eyes closed and hands behind their head. They are dressed in a gray sweater and jeans. A plant and a window with blinds are visible in the background.

You should definitely get support from your loved ones when you need it, and even the help of a therapist in overcoming your problems.

However, there are also things that only you can do. Sometimes, you will have to deal with problems alone. So, learn to self-soothe and make yourself happy.

Don’t always expect others to make you feel better and find a way to do it on your own, even if you don’t have to.

You know yourself best, so, after a little soul-searching, you should know what you need and what you can do for yourself. You could even make an emergency kit for when you feel sad and include your favorite music, chocolate, wine, and whatever it is that will make those tears go away.

Let your loved ones be there for you the way they should but learn to be the master of your own happiness too.