People with low emotional intelligence use these 12 phrases without realizing their impact

You have to have a pretty low EQ to say these words.

Two women indoors, one in focus looking concerned and the other slightly blurred, facing away. The background is softly lit, suggesting a home or casual setting.

Being spoken to in a certain way can really hurt a person and damage a relationship to the core. Sadly, however, there are many people with low emotional intelligence who simply don’t realize the power of words and who say things that are uncaring and unhelpful on a regular basis. Here are 12 phrases such people might use.

1. “Calm down.”

A man and a woman are sitting at a kitchen table with a laptop and documents. They appear to be having a serious discussion. A coffee pot and cup are on the table. The kitchen is modern with open shelves.

No one in the history of humanity has ever calmed down from being told to calm down. It’s guaranteed to escalate the situation by throwing gas on the fire. “Calm down” is a dismissive phrase that invalidates the other person’s feelings. Are there times when calmness is a better choice to get through a situation? Absolutely. Is telling the person to calm down a good idea? Never.

2. “It’s not a big deal.”

A man in glasses and a blue shirt is gesturing while talking to a woman with short hair in an office setting. They are seated at a table with coffee mugs, documents, and colorful pens in the foreground.

This phrase trivializes the other person’s feelings relating to an experience they have had, and it communicates to them that both are unimportant. It demonstrates a lack of empathy that is needed to resolve the issue at hand. Even if it’s not a big deal to you or you disagree, treat their feelings with respect. Besides, giving them a comfortable space may let them realize that yes, it actually isn’t a big deal if it’s not.

3. “You’re being too sensitive.”

Two men sitting at a table with coffee cups, engaged in conversation. The man on the left, wearing a mustard sweater, raises his index finger, seemingly making a point. Sunlight streams through a window behind them.

This phrase is often used to deflect responsibility and invalidate the other person. Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it won’t bother someone else, and their feelings matter. Granted, different people have different tolerances. Some people just don’t jive on the same level emotionally and there’s nothing wrong with that. Still, “you’re being too sensitive” is often the wrong way to go about it.

4. “That’s just how I am.”

A man and woman sit at a wooden table with coffee cups and phones. The man, wearing a plaid shirt, gestures while talking. The woman, in a gray sweater, listens with a thoughtful expression, her head resting on her hand. The setting appears to be a casual café.

There are few things more annoying than someone who thinks they get a pass on bad behavior because “that’s just how I am.” It’s no excuse, but people who don’t want to do better are more than happy to hold it up like a shield to make you the bad guy. The phrase is used as a means to deflect responsibility and make it seem like you don’t accept them and their flaws. Thing is, some flaws are unacceptable.

5. “You always/never do this.”

A woman and a man are sitting at a cafe table, engaged in a heated conversation. The woman gestures with her finger raised, while the man is speaking with his hands extended. Two cups of coffee and a red gift box are on the table.

Absolute terms like “always” or “never” are an exaggeration that can make others feel attacked. They infer a bad faith interpretation of whatever is happening. No one always or never does a particular thing. They may do it often, but they don’t do it that consistently. Such dismissive language is also used to try to negate the others’ feelings by making it seem like they are being dramatic.

6. “I’m just being honest.”

Two people are sitting and talking at a table. One person, with long hair tied back, is wearing a light purple shirt and holding a cup. The other has short hair and is in a blue shirt. Shelves with books are in the background.

Many people focus on the “brutal” part of brutal honesty. The reason is that they are not trying to create a meaningful change or help the target of their honesty. Instead, they are using it as a means to harm the other person. An emotionally intelligent person is tactfully honest because they know that the receiver of their information is more likely to hear it when they aren’t attacked with it.

7. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

A woman attentively listens to a man speaking. They are sitting at a table with a laptop in front of them. The background includes a blurred flip chart and a bright, softly lit room.

This non-apology is a way for the giver of the apology to avoid taking responsibility. It shifts blame onto the other person for feeling upset rather than the speaker taking responsibility for their actions. It’s dismissive of the harm or pain they may have caused. The person giving this non-apology is choosing to ignore their role in causing the negative feelings you may currently be experiencing.

8. “Get over it.”

A young woman with her head down appears worried while another woman, slightly blurred in the background, gestures as if speaking to her. The scene suggests a serious or empathetic conversation.

This phrase minimizes and invalidates the other person’s experience. It is an attempt to force them through the processing of their emotions and the wrong that was done to them. Furthermore, it is a way for the speaker to try to avoid responsibility for their action. They aren’t trying to be patient or make it right. They want you to get over it so they don’t have to deal with the repercussions of their actions or your feelings.

9. “I’m fine.”

A woman with long dark hair, wearing a light pink cardigan, sits on a light-colored couch with her arms crossed and a distressed expression. A man, with short brown hair wearing a white shirt, faces her and appears to be talking. The setting is a brightly lit room.

‘I’m fine’ is a common way to deflect and avoid talking about one’s emotions. People use it for several reasons but it is often rooted in a desire to not fight, be vulnerable, or just avoid a situation altogether. ‘I’m fine’ is dismissive of both the situation and the negative emotions that are currently simmering because of it. It tells you that the other person doesn’t care about your problems.

10. “It could be worse.”

A woman with long blonde hair is sitting outdoors, engaged in conversation with another person. She is wearing a black top and a necklace with a cross pendant. The background is blurred with greenery.

Yes, it could be worse. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, it could always be worse. This phrase is used to minimize feelings and avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Instead of focusing on what the other person is feeling and attempting to empathize, the person may not be trying at all. Some people say it to try to offer perspective, but that usually doesn’t work and just makes the situation worse.

11. “I don’t see the problem.”

A woman gestures in confusion while a man holding a glass of red wine looks at vegetables on a table in a kitchen. They are surrounded by bookshelves filled with books, and two other people can be seen in the background, sitting and talking.

A person with good emotional intelligence will understand that it’s not always about how they feel or perceive a situation. Yes, they may not see the problem, but they don’t need to. What they should be doing is listening to the other person so they can understand what their problem is. Empathy does not require one to identify or see the problem to offer acknowledgment of one’s feelings.

12. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

A man with gray hair wearing a white shirt holds his head in frustration while talking to a curly-haired woman in a green cardigan. They are standing indoors near a large window, engaged in a serious conversation.

Who is anyone to tell another how they should or should not feel? People will emotionally react to situations however they do. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. But if it is wrong then that is up to the person doing the feeling to decide for themselves, not be told that they are wrong. The dismissiveness of this phrase minimizes emotions and prevents people from meaningfully examining the problem.