Do you handle disappointment well?
We all encounter disappointment in our lives in some way or another, whether it’s coping with the end of a relationship, a work project that didn’t go to plan, or feelings of regret in our personal lives. Yet some people seem to handle it much better than others.
Learning how to handle disappointment and overcome the feelings it can bring is crucial in helping us live positive, fulfilled lives. It can also make the difference between coming off as mature and dignified, rather than childish and petulant.
Let’s explore the habits of people who cope well with disappointment and move on with grace and poise.
1. They allow themselves to mourn.
People who handle disappointment well understand that grieving is a vital part of processing events. They recognize that there doesn’t need to be a death for them to grieve; it can simply be the loss of something.
Losing a job, going through a break-up, or falling out with a friend can all be devastating. These individuals understand that they’re still experiencing a loss of some sort, as well as a big change in their life, and they need time to get over it before they can make a start with moving on.
Rather than rushing to feel better as soon as something negative happens, they take time to process it and communicate it fully to themselves. By labeling their feelings, they can slowly start to process them and distance themselves from them.
That being said, they don’t wallow for too long or dwell on bad feelings and thoughts. They give themselves some time to get over the initial waves of feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) before moving on.
2. They rationalize what has actually happened (or not happened).
These people think about what’s really going on. They understand that when they’re in the moment, smaller things can feel like a huge deal. So they try to take a step back and be realistic with themselves.
They make a note of what actually happened – facts, quotes, whatever it is that will help them remember the true events.
They look back at this with a clearer head and start processing it again. Without the feelings attached, they assess whether what happened is really so bad. It may be that they’re still upset, but they’ve got plenty of ways to overcome these feelings. Or it may be that they realize that they don’t need to continue reacting with such strong emotions anymore.
They remind themselves that while their behavior may be natural, it isn’t particularly healthy to indulge in it for too long.
3. They remember that people make mistakes and they practice forgiveness.
Those who handle disappointment with grace understand that when their disappointment stems from the behavior displayed by themselves or someone else, it pays to show forgiveness.
They recognize that they and everyone else on this planet are fallible human beings who can never be totems of perfection. If they expected more of someone (or themselves), and that person did not deliver, they don’t see it as a stain upon their character or moral standing.
While forgiveness for major wrongs is not easy, they put time and effort into it. They see forgiveness as a process that requires sustained focus and attention, but they know it can alleviate the feelings of disappointment by looking beyond the act to the person behind it.
They accept that they or others may have acted based on circumstance and emotion – not every action we take is a conscious choice. When we do something in the spur of the moment without great thought or care, it can lead to pain and suffering. And none of us are immune to these sorts of mistakes.
4. They talk it out (with the right person).
People who cope well with disappointment know that talking about what they’re feeling is one of the best ways to deal with most things in life. But they make sure to trust whoever they’re talking to.
If they’re struggling to get over being let down by something they’ve been working hard on, they recognize that it can be really easy to lash out and blame other people. Rather than doing this, they talk to others about how they’re feeling as this really helps them process it.
When going through a break-up or experiencing the decline of a friendship they understand that the disappointment can be very raw. That’s why talking it out can help them move on.
5. They separate themselves from the event.
These people maintain a clear separation between external events and themselves, especially if the thing that has left them disappointed is something external – by which we mean it wasn’t their direct action that led to it.
What does that mean? It means they avoid internalizing the cause of the disappointment. In other words, they don’t make themselves the reason why something didn’t work out the way they wanted it to.
For example, if one of their colleagues got a promotion ahead of them, they don’t assume that this had everything to do with them and nothing to do with the other person. They understand that it wasn’t so much their faults or shortcomings that prevented them from getting the promotion; it was the other person simply being better suited to the new role because of the qualities or experience they possess.
These individuals recognize that the moment they take responsibility for things that were outside of their control, they prolong and extend their disappointment. They accept that life happens, they won’t always get the rub of the green, and plans will sometimes go belly up through no fault of their own.
They remind themselves that just because an event in their life was a disappointment, it doesn’t make them a disappointment.
6. They use the disappointment as a motivation, not a drain.
People who take disappointment on the chin channel their feelings into actions that can improve their situation and potentially address or overcome the source of their disappointment.
For example, if they wrote a book thinking that it’s going to sell thousands of copies and it only sells in the tens or low hundreds, they might be bitterly disappointed. But instead of dwelling in that frustration, they try again with a new book. Or they might learn how to market their book in a way that leads to the sales numbers they were initially hoping for.
They understand that failure isn’t the end if they don’t want it to be. They can get up, dust themselves off, and try again to achieve whatever it is they have set their sights on.
These individuals use their disappointment as a motivator to find a way of doing what needs to be done, whatever that may be. They learn from it, dissect it, and see it from all different angles. They let it guide them to a new and better path.
7. They practice gratitude for the good things they do have going on.
These individuals don’t dismiss gratitude – they know that they’re lucky to have a roof over their heads and food to eat. But they also go deeper and explore the other great things in their lives, like loved ones and any talents they have, as well as things like their health, intelligence, and compassion.
By gearing themselves up to be grateful and self-aware, they feel more comfortable, stable, and confident in their lives and choices. That means that if something doesn’t go to plan again in the future, they already know that they’re in a fantastic situation and won’t feel so distraught.
They remind themselves that just because one aspect of their life isn’t quite how they wanted it to be, doesn’t mean they can’t still focus on how good everything else is. By setting themselves up in this way, they’re more likely to deal with any future disappointments quickly and healthily, helping them move on in a positive way.
8. They take control of how they react to the situation – they know they are not powerless.
People who handle disappointment well remember that, despite how things may feel, they are in control of how they react. They can choose how they deal with each day.
They understand it’s unrealistic to start every day feeling super positive and ready to move on, so they are true to themselves and honor whatever they’re feeling in the moment. ‘Moment’ is the key word there – they know it’s okay to feel low when they’re reminded of something that upsets them, but they don’t turn five minutes of sadness into an entire day of devastation.
They remind themselves that they have the power to shift their mindset. They understand that the less time they give themselves to feel down each day, the less time the overall healing process will take.
These individuals find ways to distract themselves, whether it’s spending time with friends, watching old movies, or hitting the gym. They try out different ways of empowering themselves and quickly start to overcome the difficulties they’re facing.
9. They expect to be disappointed sometimes, but they’re not pessimistic.
People who handle disappointment well don’t live with a pessimistic mindset, forever waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Instead, they accept that they will feel disappointed from time to time because no one and nothing is perfect.
When they realize that disappointment isn’t something they can totally avoid, it feels less intense when it does happen. This time, their expectations are realistic in the sense that they know something will go awry at some point and they’ve accepted that. And they won’t fight the reality of the situation so much when it does happen.
10. They view life as one big lesson.
People who handle disappointment gracefully understand that they might not always manage to behave in the way they would like to behave. They know that’s called being human. But they always try to learn a lesson from the things they do that don’t fit with the ideal picture they have of themselves.
And when something doesn’t go to plan, they look to see what went wrong and how they might adjust their approach the next time.
When they focus on what a particular outcome can teach them about who they are or how to do something, the disappointment they feel is less intense. Yes, they’ll still experience it, but it won’t last long before their mind begins to look for the lesson in it.
11. They focus on the journey, not the outcome.
These people pursue their endeavors with an eye on each step they take, and not just on the finish line.
Yes, they know it’s important to have that end goal in mind, but they find it just as important to relish the challenges they face at each moment along the way. Each time they overcome such a challenge, they take a moment to appreciate that achievement. They notice the happiness or satisfaction they feel right then and there, knowing they’ll have lots of these moments along the way to their goals.
They don’t approach something with the belief that once it is done or once they have that thing, then they’ll be happy. They don’t pin all their hopes on that singular event when there will be countless events along the way that they can get some joy from if they allow themselves to.
12. They form healthy attachments to the impermanent.
Whilst these individuals recognize that certain things and people will bring deep joy and wonderful memories, they accept the impermanence of those people and things in their lives.
They can love and cherish someone and accept that they will one day be gone from their life, one way or another. They can really enjoy something in the moment, knowing that it will either change or disappear in the future.
These individuals don’t fight the inevitable. They allow themselves to be sad when that person or thing goes, but resist the temptation to fight against that reality. They accept that it had its time and place in their life, but that it was never going to last.
They understand that no matter how much they wish otherwise, everything in life is temporary.
