If you struggle to set boundaries, take these 8 steps to do it without feeling guilty

Follow this process to set and enforce boundaries guilt free.

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Setting boundaries doesn’t come easily to some people. They worry that having and asserting boundaries will make them seem rude or risk pushing people away. In truth, the only people you’ll push away by asserting your boundaries are the people you wouldn’t want in your life in the first place.

But what about feeling guilty for setting boundaries? What if you don’t want to let people down? If that’s the case, you’ll need to practice the following steps until you feel more comfortable telling other people what is and is not okay with you.

1. Acknowledge that you have a right to set boundaries.

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Boundaries are a form of self-care. They help keep negative people and circumstances from intruding into your life. You have the right to protect yourself without feeling bad about it. Your time, energy, and emotions are your own to take care of and guard. Remember, saying “no” to others at appropriate times is saying “yes” to your health and well-being.

2. Identify your limits to know where to set boundaries.

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Take some time to reflect on what makes you feel stressed, uncomfortable, or drained. Typically, you’ll want to look at your family, relationships, and work for the most obvious sources. It’s much easier to set healthy boundaries when you understand where your limits actually are. Your limits can be hard to find if you have never felt like you could have boundaries before.

3. Start by setting small boundaries to build your tolerance.

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Setting and enforcing a small boundary could be something like declining an invitation or taking a break when you feel you need the downtime. As you do that, you should find that you get more comfortable with larger, more challenging boundaries. It’s better to start small than jump headfirst into the deep end so that you can build tolerance to the discomfort you will feel as you start to protect yourself.

4. Be clear and direct about your boundary.

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Be straightforward without over-explaining or apologizing when you set a boundary. If you over-explain, the other person may take that as a cue to look for holes in your reasoning to convince you that it’s okay for them to violate your boundary. Don’t apologize for enforcing your boundary. An apology for enforcing your boundary will often be interpreted as an opening to persuade.

5. Take some time to practice saying “No”.

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To enforce a boundary, you will need to be able to say “No” without the need to justify it. You don’t always need to explain yourself. That can be as simple as, “I can’t make it.” However, be aware that in healthy relationships where you are enforcing boundaries, which you will need to at times, you may need to have a conversation about it. A lack of communication will break the relationship down.

6. Prepare yourself for some pushback.

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There will be people who react negatively to your setting boundaries. People who take advantage of you saying yes all the time will likely respond with anger or guilt-trips to try to convince you to bend your boundaries for them. Remind yourself that their discomfort doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. Furthermore, you may find you lose friends and connections because they were only using you for your yes.

7. Frame your boundaries with “I” statements.

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By framing your boundaries with “I” statements, you can avoid sounding accusatory. Accusations, whether real or perceived, put other people on the defensive and spur arguments. That makes it harder for you to set and enforce your boundaries in a healthy way. Ideally, you want to keep this process as smooth as possible. The way we communicate things is more important than what we are communicating. People don’t listen when they’re angry.

8. Remind yourself that boundaries are for your well-being.

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Boundaries are an act of self-respect, not a rejection of other people. That mentality will help reduce the guilt you feel because you are prioritizing your well-being, not punishing someone else. Every healthy relationship has boundaries. Boundaries teach other people how you want to be treated, what you will accept, and what is unacceptable. You may feel guilty about setting these boundaries, so remind yourself that it’s normal to feel discomfort when making changes.