This is how we can have great relationships with our adult children.
Those who have raised children to adulthood are usually aware that their adult children are not just enlarged versions of their 7-year-olds. Adult children are…well…adults.
The sooner parents understand the difference between their young children and their adult children, the better.
People who maintain strong bonds with their adult children exhibit the following 12 behaviors.
1. They remember that their primary role as a parent is to equip their children for independence.
Relating to our adult children as adults is not easy and can take some getting used to. But it should help if we simply remember that our primary role and task as a parent is to equip our children to live their lives as adults. Living as an adult implies independence.
This is not to say that we launch our children into the world and then we no longer have any responsibility to them. Quite the contrary. We will always be responsible to them—but that responsibility will morph with the passing of time.
Just as we are independent from our own parents as adults, our children should be independent from us as adults too.
Rather than mourn the fact that they no longer depend on us like they once did, we should celebrate the fact that we have accomplished our primary task. That is, we’ve prepared our children to live in the world as responsible, independent, and contributing adults.
2. They allow their adult children to live as adults.
Recognizing that our children are now adults is not the same as allowing them to live as adults. The former is a way of thinking. The latter is a way of behaving.
When our children become adults, we should grant them the freedom to live as adults. This means we let them make their own decisions and live with the results.
It means we give them the space they need to be independent. It means we don’t entangle our own lives with theirs. We let them live life on their own terms and in their own way. It’s one of the great privileges of being an adult.
3. They see their role as more like a consultant than as a dispenser of sage wisdom.
When our children are young, one of our duties as a parent is to tell them what they should and should not do. It’s part of the training and equipping process.
As we dissuade them from harmful things and encourage them toward helpful things, they learn how life works. Both successes and failures are part of that important process of development.
But when our children grow up, they should no longer need our constant input to know what they should seek and what they should avoid. Their task now is to implement what they have already learned.
But there will likely come times when our children value and want our input. After all, we are older and more experienced.
So we offer them our insight and wisdom. When they want it. And usually only when they ask for it. It’s usually better to err on the side of withholding our advice unless they ask for it.
Of course, we can always say something like, “Would you like my opinion on that”? And if they say “no,” we graciously accept their answer and keep our opinion to ourselves.
4. They understand that their adult children may have different values than they do.
In some ways, we parents would prefer that our children turn out just like we did. That we share the same goals, ideals, values, and opinions.
But does the world really need someone else exactly like you? Or me? Probably not.
And though it may be gratifying and it tends to promote harmony when our adult children share the same values as us—they may not. And they have every right to have values that are different from ours.
Hopefully, they share our values when it comes to the universal ones like kindness, respect, honesty, loyalty, and generosity.
But some values are personal and reflect our own uniqueness and the way we’re wired. We all should have freedom to be who we are, and not forced to conform to what others want us to be. Even if it’s our own parents.
5. They help their adult children navigate through difficult times.
In a perfect world, our adult children would never run into any difficulties or have to face significant challenges.
But the world isn’t perfect, is it?
So there will likely come times when our adult children need us to help them through difficult times. It may be a time of illness. Or a time of financial setback. It might be a painful loss of some kind. It might be a breakup with a partner or a close friend.
Whatever the situation, good parents who want to maintain strong bonds with their adult children will be available to assist in that particular time of need. Again, not in a bossy or know-it-all way, but as someone who cares and wants to help.
That said, we must be willing to accept the level of help our children need and want. We shouldn’t offer more than that. Nor should we offer less. A balance not easy to strike, but worth pursuing.
6. They make it a priority to keep in touch through whatever avenues work best.
We would hardly expect to maintain a meaningful relationship with a friend we never communicate with. Nor should we expect to maintain strong bonds with our adult children if we don’t regularly communicate with them.
But we will need to understand what avenues of communication work best with our own children. Some may prefer regular in-person visits. Sometimes at their home and sometimes at our home.
Some may prefer weekly phone calls. Others will want phone calls less frequently. Maybe a couple times a month or even once a month.
Some will be happy to get texts a few times each week. Others may not appreciate texts at all.
The point is that we will need to determine what avenues of communication are most productive and most welcome. But some form of staying in touch is vital.
If not, then we cannot expect our bonds to remain strong. Though it will not be impossible, it will be far less likely.
7. They work hard at not sounding preachy or condescending.
It’s easy to appear condescending, patronizing, or arrogant when we speak to our adult children. After all, we have so much more experience than they do. We’ve seen so much more. We’ve lived so much longer.
But nobody likes to be spoken to in this way, so why would our adult children like it?
We should speak with all people in a respectful, caring, and kind manner. Our adult children should not be an exception to this principle.
If we want to maintain strong bonds with our adult children, we will be careful to speak to them respectfully, graciously, kindly, and with due consideration.
8. They forgive their adult children when they err, and they don’t hold grudges.
We all make mistakes from time to time. We use poor judgment. We say things we end up regretting. We fail to deliver on an expectation. We say things that are inaccurate or just plain wrong.
Our adult children will do this too. When they do, they deserve our understanding and forgiveness. And if restitution is called for, or reparations are required—they should be promptly offered with grace.
9. They give their adult children room to succeed or fail on their own terms.
We want our children to succeed in their endeavors. We want them to excel in their careers and other pursuits. But this will not always happen.
Sometimes they will fail to achieve their goals. They will miss the marks and standards they have set for themselves.
Other times they will be successful, maybe in significant ways. They will reach milestones in their personal pursuits, careers, or relationships.
But whether they succeed or fail, we should allow them to do so on their own terms. Sure, it’s nice if our children succeed according to our own standards of success. But it’s far more important that they succeed according to their own.
And sure, we don’t want our children to fail, or have setbacks, or experience disappointments. But it’s far more important for them to be able to fail on their own terms. In fact, their personal failures can be motivators toward future success.
We don’t want our adult children to feel that they must meet our standards for their own success. Or feel that they’ve failed if they aren’t able to meet our standards. They should be free to define success and failure in their own terms. In the end, this is what matters the most.
10. They acknowledge and celebrate their successes—both large and small.
We all welcome having our achievements noticed and appreciated. Even applauded at times. Our adult children do too.
So when they reach a milestone, or hit a desired target, our response should be to recognize it and celebrate it with them.
It doesn’t need to be a big production. Though big productions have their place. Mostly it means that we let them know we’re happy for them, and that we share in their feeling of accomplishment or success.
If we’re proud of them, we should tell them. And a simple reward or tangible acknowledgement is nearly always appropriate.
11. They learn what topics to discuss with them and what topics to avoid.
We might wish we could discuss any issue with our adult children in a calm, informative, respectful, affirming, and mutually-beneficial way.
But more realistically, there will be hot-button topics that are exceedingly difficult to discuss in a positive and healthy way.
You’ve tried to discuss the issues civilly in the past, but it was not pleasant or successful. There may come a time in the future when you can confidently broach the subject again.
But for now, the subject is best avoided. You both know your respective positions on the matter. You can agree explicitly or implicitly that you will not wade into the issue again for a while.
This is not an admission of weakness, defeat, or error. It’s simply a recognition that some matters cannot be productively discussed at this time. And leave it at that. The day may come when this is no longer the case.
12. They give their adult children room to express their own uniqueness.
There is a general tendency for people to feel most comfortable with those who are like them. This no doubt stems from our evolutionary development. It harks back to the days when it was threatening and potentially dangerous to encounter those who were not like us.
But each human being is unique and unlike any other human being on the planet. Even identical twins are not identical in every respect.
Our adult children are individuals with their own unique identity. As parents, we should encourage that uniqueness and not stifle it.
