People who've had these 8 life experiences often end up disliking themselves

Do you hate yourself?

A woman with blonde hair gazes thoughtfully out a window, with her reflection visible in the glass. She rests her hand gently on the window frame, wearing a red top.

Life experiences shape who we are, but sometimes they can lead us down a path of self-loathing. If you’ve had any of these 8 life experiences, you might find yourself struggling with self-hatred.

If something you read does feel relevant to your situation, it may bring you some form of relief. But please be aware that there is also the risk that it might trigger further unhealthy feelings.

If this should happen, please stop reading and seek direct help from a qualified therapist or counselor at your earliest opportunity. They will be able to provide support in a safe and caring environment. If you are in crisis and believe you may pose a risk to yourself, please stop reading and contact the crisis lifeline on 1-800-273-8255.

1. An unhealthy or toxic upbringing.

A young boy with brown hair sits on a window sill, hugging his knees and looking outside. He is wearing a blue shirt and shorts. Sunlight filters through the window, illuminating the room and casting a soft glow. There are sheer curtains to the left.

What do we mean by an ‘unhealthy’ upbringing? Primarily, this refers to parents or guardians who were unable to provide the caring and supportive environment that a young person thrives in.

A person’s self-concept is largely formed during their childhood years.

If you were raised in a situation where people’s attitudes and behaviors toward you were negative or even abusive, it is likely to be an important reason why you have feelings of self-hatred now. If you had a parent or parents who often expressed their disappointment in you, for example, you may have developed perfectionist tendencies.

This might lead to you never feeling content with what you achieve or have. You may see yourself as a failure and eventually come to hate yourself for it.

A parent who repeatedly rejected your desire for attention may have directly led to your feelings of being unworthy of love. A parent who regularly reminded you of your weight or some other aspect of your appearance is a likely cause of such insecurities you now hold.

A parent who was controlling and dictated what you did might have left you feeling helpless and unable to look after yourself.

We put so much importance on the way our parents treat us. They are, after all, the people we look up to when we’re younger. They are the ones we expect to care for us. When they fail to treat us in a healthy and loving way, it can sow the seeds of future self-hatred.

2. Bullying (either past or present).

A boy is being bullied by another boy in front of a set of blue lockers. A third person records the incident with a smartphone from the side. The bullied boy looks distressed and covers his face with his arms.

Bullying is essentially an attack on a person’s self-concept. A bully identifies a self-defined weakness and then keeps chipping away at it again and again.

A bully’s physical violence may cause us pain, and their words may leave unseen scars too. Being bullied as a child can have a long-lasting effect on a person’s mental well-being. It can go unnoticed or unreported for a long time, which leaves the victim in a situation where they often accept the views or opinions of the bully as valid and correct because no one tells them otherwise.

This comes right back to your self-concept and how an episode of bullying can change it. Even after the bullies have gone or given up, their words and their actions will remain in your mind, undermining your self-belief, confidence, and sense of self-worth.

Of course, bullying is not confined to the playground. It can happen at work, in friendships (if you can call them friends), in romantic relationships, and amongst family members.

There is no age limit on bullying and its effects are no less devastating in adulthood. If you were bullied – or if you are being bullied – it may help explain why you feel like hating yourself.

3. A traumatic event of another kind.

Woman with long dark hair and hoop earrings wearing a gray blazer stands in a softly lit room. She has a neutral expression and is facing the camera. The background features blurred curtains and hints of furniture.

Life can sometimes put us in the way of terrible events that leave us changed. These events may be fleeting, but they can cause us to question everything we thought we are, were, or might be in the future.

Car accidents, natural disasters, acts of terrorism, physically or sexually violent attacks, sudden bereavement, and the loss of work are just some examples.

Perhaps the scars are solely emotional, or maybe there are physical implications too. Either way, the turmoil caused by such events can be deep and lasting. Suddenly, you are no longer the person you thought you were. Your self-concept is smashed to pieces and you don’t like what you now see in the mirror. You may end up asking questions such as “Why me?” and “What did I do to deserve this?” And even the search for answers can lead you down a dark path toward self-hatred.

4. Something that caused heavy shame or regret.

A man and a woman have a heated discussion in a bedroom. The man, wearing a denim shirt and glasses, is gesturing passionately with his hands. The woman, dressed in an orange dress, sits on the bed and listens intently, appearing concerned.

We all do things that we later come to regret, but if you have done something which you now view with a level of shame and disgust, it can make you hate yourself.

Were you unfaithful to your partner? Did you physically or emotionally abuse another person? Did you lie or steal or cheat in some way?

Whatever you did, if the thought of it now repulses you, it’s highly likely to leave you hating yourself.

5. Mental health issues that have created a negative feedback loop.

A man wearing a green shirt leans against a window with a contemplative expression, his right arm resting on the window frame and his forehead leaning on his hand. Soft daylight illuminates the scene through the window, and blurred greenery is visible outside.

Mental health conditions can significantly impact how you view yourself and the world around you. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses can distort your self-perception, leading to feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and self-loathing.

These conditions often create a negative feedback loop in your mind, where negative thoughts reinforce negative feelings, which in turn lead to more negative thoughts.

You might find yourself constantly ruminating on your perceived flaws or past mistakes, unable to see any positive aspects of yourself or your life. This cycle can be incredibly difficult to break, especially without professional help, and may contribute significantly to your feelings of self-hatred.

6. Significant or repeated failures or setbacks.

A man in a suit sits at a desk, looking thoughtfully at crumpled paper in his hands. More crumpled papers are scattered on the desk. A whiteboard with graphs is in the background, suggesting a work or office setting.

Life doesn’t always go as planned, and sometimes, it can feel like you’re constantly falling short of your goals or expectations.

Repeated failures or setbacks in various aspects of your life – be it in your career, relationships, or personal aspirations – can gradually chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth. You might start to internalize these failures, seeing them not as isolated incidents but as reflections of your inherent value as a person. This can lead to a sense of hopelessness and a belief that you’re fundamentally flawed or incapable of success, fostering intense feelings of self-hatred.

7. Social isolation or rejection.

A woman with a sad expression sits alone in the foreground of a café, looking down. In the background, three people sit together at a table, with two of them looking in her direction. The scene suggests a sense of isolation and contemplation.

Humans are inherently social creatures. We crave connection, acceptance, and a sense of belonging. But what happens when you find yourself consistently on the outside looking in?

Perhaps you’ve experienced prolonged periods of social isolation. Maybe you’ve moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone. Or you might have faced repeated rejection from social groups or potential romantic partners. These experiences can be deeply painful and damaging to your self-concept.

When you’re constantly alone or feel unwanted, it’s easy to start believing that there must be something fundamentally wrong with you. You might begin to think, “If no one wants to be around me, I must be unlovable.” Or, “If I can’t make friends, I must be boring or unlikeable.” This kind of thinking can quickly spiral into self-hatred. You may start to view yourself as defective or unworthy of companionship.

The loneliness itself can amplify these negative thoughts, as you have more time to ruminate on your perceived shortcomings without the positive reinforcement that social interactions can provide.

It’s a vicious cycle: the more isolated you become, the worse you feel about yourself, which in turn makes it harder to connect with others, leading to further isolation.

8. Excessive external criticism that’s been internalized.

A senior woman with gray curly hair passionately talks to a young blonde woman sitting next to her on a couch. The young woman looks down, appearing upset or deep in thought. The room has subtle decor with a potted plant and a white vase in the background.

You may hate yourself because you criticize every aspect of yourself. Perhaps this sounds obvious to you. Of course you criticize yourself – you hate yourself.

But what came first: the hate or the criticism?

This question is so important. Because not all criticism comes from within. You may hate the way you look or the fact that you think you’re boring or stupid or any number of other things…but there’s a good chance that at least some of this criticism began as an external influence in your life.

In other words, another person said negative things about you and to you. And now the way you think about yourself as a person is misaligned with reality.

In psychology, the term self-concept is used to include all the ways that you think about yourself: your self-image, your self-esteem, and your ideal self (the person you wish you could be). These 3 things all interact with each other, and in your case, they may negatively reinforce one another.

Perhaps you think you’re ugly (negative self-image) which makes you feel unlovable (self-esteem), and you wish you could be more attractive (your ideal self). But every time you wish you could be more attractive, you feed the idea that you are ugly and the resulting feelings of being unlovable. Eventually, you are no longer able to see the honest reality of your situation because this negative feedback loop has shifted your opinion of yourself to the very far end of every spectrum.

“I’m unattractive” becomes “I’m so ugly that nobody will ever want to be with me.”

“I’m not the smartest” becomes “I’m so stupid that nobody would ever hire me.”

“I’m shy and reserved” becomes “I’m so boring that nobody wants to hang out with me.”

“I’ve not achieved what I wanted” becomes “I’m such a failure in every way.”

Yes, there will be people who are – from a stereotypical point of view – more attractive than you.

Yes, there will be people who are – on an academic level – smarter than you.

Yes, there will be people who are more outgoing and more adventurous than you.

And, yes, there will be people who are – from a lifestyle and wealth perspective – more successful than you.

This probably is your reality. Yet you see things as far worse than that. You don’t see any redeeming features in yourself whatsoever. So you hate yourself because you don’t see anything worth liking.

Finally…

A young woman with long brown hair, wearing a green ribbed sweater, sits indoors with her hands on her head. She appears distressed, furrowing her brows and looking down. The background is blurred, showing furniture and a blanket on the floor.

Understanding why you hate yourself is a crucial step towards healing, but it’s important to remember that this understanding alone isn’t enough. These experiences and factors that have contributed to your self-hatred are real and valid, but they don’t define who you are or who you can become.

Recognizing the roots of your self-loathing is just the beginning of a journey toward self-acceptance and, eventually, self-love. It’s a challenging path, often requiring professional help and support from those around you. But it’s a journey worth taking.

Remember, the person you are today – even if you hate that person – has survived every obstacle and hardship life has thrown at them so far. That alone is something to be proud of.