Couples who end up despising each other make these 12 mistakes regularly

These 12 mistakes can quickly turn love into resentment.

A woman in a white coat appears frustrated, walking away with her hands raised. A man in a gray sweater follows her, gesturing with one hand. They are outdoors, with a blurred background of trees and buildings.

Love can turn sour when couples fall into destructive patterns. What starts as a passionate romance can devolve into a battlefield of resentment and contempt. Understanding these common pitfalls is crucial for maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Let’s explore the mistakes that often lead couples down the path of mutual disdain and how to recognize them before it’s too late.

1. Constant criticism and nitpicking that chip away at one or both partner’s self-worth.

A man and a woman sit on a couch, engaged in an argument. The man in a denim shirt looks frustrated, holding a phone. The woman in a plaid shirt points her finger at him, expressing anger. Grey curtains and cushions form the background.

Ever been around a couple where one person can’t seem to stop finding fault with the other? It’s like watching a slow-motion car crash. The criticized partner starts to shrink, their self-esteem eroding with each barbed comment. Over time, this relentless negativity creates a toxic atmosphere where love struggles to survive. They begin to despise their partner.

The critic might believe they’re “helping” their partner improve, but in reality, they’re planting seeds of resentment.

Sometimes the nit-picking will go both ways, and this destructive cycle quickly spirals out of control, leaving both partners feeling unappreciated and unloved.

2. One partner doing more than their fair share in the relationship.

A woman wearing orange gloves sits on the floor with cleaning supplies, gesturing towards a man sitting on a couch holding a TV remote. The room features a modern decor with a plant and a bright, tidy setting.

Relationships thrive on balance, but when one partner consistently carries more of the load, resentment is sure to follow. This imbalance can manifest in various ways – from household chores to emotional labor to financial responsibilities.

The overworked partner may start out willingly taking on extra responsibilities; however, over time, they may begin to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. Meanwhile, the other partner might grow accustomed to this arrangement, unknowingly reinforcing the imbalance.

This dynamic can lead to a parent-child relationship rather than an equal partnership. The overburdened partner may become critical and controlling, while the other becomes defensive or withdraws. The relationship loses its spark as one person feels constantly put-upon, and begins to despise the other.

3. Expecting the little things rather than appreciating them.

A woman with blonde hair sits, smiling up at a man wearing a green sweater. He is handing her a wooden breakfast tray with two glasses of orange juice on it. They are indoors with a shelf and some home decor visible in the background.

Remember the early days of your relationship when every little gesture felt magical? Fast forward a few years, and those same acts of kindness might barely register. This shift from appreciation to expectation is a common pitfall for long-term couples.

When gratitude goes out the window, partners start to feel undervalued. The person who always cooks dinner or remembers birthdays begins to wonder why their efforts go unnoticed.

Feeling taken for granted can lead to a dangerous game of scorekeeping, where each partner tallies up their contributions and finds the other lacking. This mindset turns love into a transaction, draining the joy from the relationship.

4. Letting issues go undiscussed and unresolved.

A woman sits on a bed looking contemplative, with her head resting on her hand. In the background, a man sits facing away, near a window with crossed arms. The room is softly lit by natural light.

Sweeping problems under the rug might seem like a quick fix, but it’s a recipe for long-term disaster and disdain. Unresolved issues are like ticking time bombs in a relationship, ready to explode at the worst possible moment.

Couples who avoid addressing their problems often do so out of fear – fear of conflict, of change, or of discovering incompatibilities. However, this avoidance strategy backfires spectacularly. Small grievances compound over time, growing into insurmountable obstacles.

Partners might find themselves harboring years of pent-up frustration, unable to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong. This accumulation of unresolved problems creates an atmosphere of constant tension, where even minor disagreements feel loaded with past grievances.

5. Prioritizing everything and everyone else over the relationship.

A woman in a black blazer sits at a kitchen table, holding a mug and writing in an organizer. A man in a white shirt stands in the background with a glass of juice. The table is filled with breakfast items like fruits, cereal, and a laptop.

In the hustle and bustle of modern life, it’s easy for relationships to take a back seat. Careers, children, hobbies, and social obligations can all demand attention, leaving little time for nurturing the partnership at the heart of it all.

When couples consistently prioritize other aspects of their lives over their relationship, they risk growing apart. Quality time together becomes scarce, and meaningful conversations are replaced by hurried exchanges about logistics and schedules. And if one partner is prioritizing the relationship, whilst the other isn’t, resentment builds.

6. Waning (or a complete lack of) intimacy.

A couple sitting on a bed in a bedroom with a gray and white color scheme. The woman, with short blonde hair, looks away, appearing thoughtful. The man, with short brown hair, sits behind her, looking concerned. A bedside table with a lamp is visible.

Intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together, and it’s not just about physical closeness. Emotional intimacy – the ability to be vulnerable, and to share fears and dreams – is equally crucial. When either form of intimacy wanes, the relationship suffers.

Physical intimacy often declines as couples settle into routines or face life stressors. What starts as a “dry spell” can evolve into a pattern of avoidance or rejection, leaving one or both partners feeling unwanted. Emotional intimacy can fade when couples stop sharing their inner worlds, creating a sense of isolation even when together.

The absence of intimacy can breed insecurity and resentment, particularly if one partner wants more intimacy than the other. This lack of connection can push couples to seek validation or fulfillment outside the relationship, further straining the bond between them.

7. Bringing up past issues or disagreements and holding them over each other.

A man and woman sit on a purple couch. The man, wearing a white shirt, is pointing and appears to be arguing. The woman, wearing a black shirt and blue jeans, looks upset and is resting her head on her hand, looking away from the man. A kitchen is visible in the background.

The past can be a dangerous weapon in a relationship. When couples constantly dredge up old conflicts or mistakes, they create an environment where forgiveness seems impossible. Every argument becomes a greatest-hits compilation of past grievances, making resolution nearly impossible.

This habit of rehashing old issues prevents couples from moving forward. It erodes trust, as partners feel that their mistakes will always be held against them.

When one or both partners hold onto grudges, it poisons the present moment. This behavior can make partners feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never knowing when an old issue might resurface to derail a current conversation.

8. Making assumptions rather than having open, honest conversations.

A woman with curly hair looks concerned while sitting on a couch, resting her chin on her hand. A man sits next to her with his arms crossed, looking away. Both appear to be deep in thought.

When couples stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, emotional distance creeps in like a fog. Assumptions take the place of actual conversations, and misunderstandings multiply.

One partner might bottle up their frustrations, believing they’re keeping the peace. The other might avoid difficult topics, fearing conflict. Both approaches lead to the same dead end: a relationship where neither person feels truly heard or understood.

Without open communication, minor issues snowball into major problems. Resentment builds silently, and partners start to despise each other, often without realizing why.

9. Being a martyr by sacrificing happiness for misplaced nobility.

A woman smiles while holding a baby. She is standing in a bright living room. Two children, one gripping her arm and another standing nearby, interact playfully with her. The room has white walls, a gray couch, and plants and books on shelves in the background.

Self-sacrifice might seem noble, but taken to extremes, it’s a relationship killer. The martyr in the relationship constantly puts their own needs aside, believing they’re doing what’s best for their partner or the relationship. However, this misguided nobility often backfires spectacularly.

The martyr’s partner may initially appreciate the sacrifices, but over time, they can feel burdened by guilt or frustrated by their partner’s passive-aggressive behavior. The “giver” meanwhile, builds up resentment as their own needs go unmet, often expecting their partner to read their mind and reciprocate without communication.

This dynamic creates an unhealthy imbalance where one partner feels constantly indebted while the other feels perpetually unfulfilled, and as a result, they begin to despise each other.

10. Infidelity that has not been truly forgiven and forgotten, or staying with a partner who repeatedly cheats.

A man with a beard is lying in bed, holding a smartphone and looking away with a concerned expression. A woman with long dark hair and wearing a pink top sits beside him, looking at him with a serious expression. They're covered with a light pink blanket.

Infidelity can be a relationship’s death knell, shattering trust and leaving deep emotional scars. Even if the couple decides to stay together, the aftermath can be brutal.

Unresolved feelings about past infidelity can fester, turning love into contempt. The betrayed partner might outwardly claim forgiveness, but inwardly, they’re consumed by doubt and resentment. Every late night at work or unexplained text message becomes fuel for suspicion. This constant state of mistrust can lead partners to despise each other – one for the betrayal, the other for the endless scrutiny.

Repeated infidelity is even more corrosive. Each new betrayal reopens old wounds and compounds the pain. The cheating partner might be viewed with increasing disgust, while they may grow to despise their partner’s inability to trust. Yet still neither partner calls it a day. This toxic cycle of betrayal and mistrust can transform a once-loving relationship into a battleground of hatred and recrimination.

11. Avoiding conflict to try and keep the peace.

An older couple sits on a blue couch in a bright room, both appearing upset. The woman in the foreground is looking down, with her hand on her cheek. The man in the background is turned away, looking out the window.

Conflict avoidance might seem like a path to harmony, but it’s often a highway to resentment. Couples who sidestep disagreements in the name of keeping the peace are actually laying the groundwork for future explosions. It’s like trying to hold back a river with a dam made of paper – eventually, it’s going to burst.

Small annoyances that could be easily resolved fester into major grievances. This avoidance can also lead to passive-aggressive behavior, where frustrations come out in subtle, indirect ways. One partner might make snide comments or give the silent treatment instead of addressing the problem head-on. Over time, this creates an atmosphere of tension and unease, where neither partner feels they can be honest about their feelings.

12. Spending too much time together or becoming codependent.

A man and a woman stand face-to-face with their arms raised between them, bound together by black straps around their wrists and forearms. They are making eye contact in a neutral, serious setting.

While togetherness is crucial in a relationship, there’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. Couples who become joined at the hip risk losing their individual identities and suffocating the relationship.

Codependency often creeps in slowly. What starts as a desire to spend every moment together can evolve into an unhealthy reliance on each other for emotional fulfillment. Partners may start to lose touch with their own interests, friends, and personal goals, becoming a merged entity rather than two distinct individuals.

The relationship can become stagnant, with one or both people despising each other because they feel trapped and unfulfilled.