If you can’t seem to make friends as an adult, you’re probably making these 12 mistakes

Are you struggling to make new friends?

A woman with long hair sits at a dark wooden table in a dimly lit room, resting her chin on her hand. She gazes into the distance thoughtfully. The room has a modern, cozy ambiance with soft lighting.

It’s generally easy to make friends as children, but making friends in adulthood seems to be much more complicated: we can’t just walk over to someone, offer them a bite of our granola bar, and ask to be friends without someone calling the authorities. If you’ve been struggling to make new friends as an adult, ask yourself if you’re making any of the following mistakes:

1. Trying to aggressively infiltrate established friendship groups.

Three women, all wearing sunglasses, sit at a table outdoors, laughing and talking. They have drinks in front of them, including iced coffee and water. The atmosphere is bright and relaxed, with blurred background figures adding to the busy cafe setting.

People who have had the same close friendship group for years tend to be hesitant about bringing new people into that dynamic. When it does happen, it’s through gradual exposure over time rather than swift immersion. Get to know people bit by bit and you’ll become a fully-fledged member of their group when everyone is comfortable with you.

2. Being too open about your personal problems, too quickly.

A man with a serious expression is sitting alone at a café table, resting his chin on his hand. In the background, a group of people are conversing and laughing. The café has a casual atmosphere with dim lighting and blurred details.

When you’re getting to know new people, keep your conversations on uplifting or inspiring topics such as shared interests, recipes, and pleasant experiences. Avoid going into great or descriptive detail about the problems you and your spouse are having in bed, or the horrifying after-effects of your latest surgical procedure.

3. Not honoring your commitments.

A woman in a blue coat and white knit hat looks at her phone with a puzzled expression, standing outside under a canopy of blurred lights. She holds the back of her head with one hand and puffs her cheeks out in frustration or confusion.

You may overextend yourself by committing to more things than you’re capable of handling because you want to make a good impression. If you don’t have the energy to do something, be honest about it rather than agreeing to it and canceling at the last minute, which can lead to disappointment and distrust.

4. Only trying to make friends that are just like you.

A diverse group of six adults smiling and posing cheerfully outdoors, with sunlight streaming through trees in the background. Two individuals in the front, one man, and one woman are being hugged from behind by two others. The atmosphere is lively and joyful.

Some of the richest and strongest friendships can develop between people who come from very different backgrounds, and even have different interests, tastes, and points of view. If you only try to befriend people who share your own ethnicity and hobbies, for example, you may miss out on some spectacular relationships.

5. Trying too hard to be funny or charming.

Two people are sitting and talking on a couch near a window. The person facing the camera is gesturing enthusiastically with their hand on their cheek. Both appear to be smiling as they converse. Potted plants are visible in the background.

People who are socially awkward or are afraid of rejection often try “too hard” to fill silences with humor, or they put on a false facade of charm in an attempt to seem more appealing. Both of these approaches are terribly off-putting and tend to push new friends away rather than drawing them closer.

6. Not being adaptable regarding other people’s communication preferences.

A person with short hair and glasses is holding a smartphone to their ear, appearing to be in a conversation. They are wearing a pink shirt and a smartwatch. In the background, a parked bicycle is visible, along with some greenery and a wooden fence.

Some people love to connect via text, while others prefer verbal connection. If you prefer phone conversations, you may refuse to text in an attempt to force others into speaking to you instead. This will inevitably result in them not wanting to communicate with you at all. Be willing to find a middle ground.

7. Having unrealistic expectations of others’ energy and availability.

A person with long hair holds a purple drink with two straws, sitting in a cafe. The background features a colorful mural, and the person is wearing a watch and a lace top.

Some people assume that others’ energy levels are the same as theirs, and get hurt or offended if their efforts aren’t matched. If you’re a childless extravert, don’t feel rejected if an introverted parent of four doesn’t seem to prioritize brunch or pub quiz nights with you. They like you, but they’re exhausted.

8. Being too needy or demanding.

A woman with long dark hair and a plaid sweater sits alone at a bar, resting her face on her hand and looking pensive. In the background, a group of three women are enjoying themselves, smiling, and holding drinks. The setting appears to be a lively bar.

It’s important for people to be able to rely on one another, but those relationships have to be reciprocal. Ask yourself whether there’s an even give and take in your friendships, or if you’re always asking for help but never giving it. These are new friends, not potential therapists or caregivers.

9. Treating others as easily disposable.

Two young girls sitting at a wooden table talking and smiling. One, with long blonde hair wearing a black flowered shirt, faces the other, with short curly dark hair in a maroon hoodie. On the table are glasses of orange juice, a mug, and various snacks.

Many people forget that friendships need just as much nurturing as romantic relationships, and they will only invest time into them when they want engagement. If they don’t receive the response they want, they’ll discard those acquaintances and seek out others instead—rather like replacing material items instead of caring for and repairing them.

10. Being a source of stress or drama rather than solace.

Two people are sitting on a couch, with one whispering into the other's ear. In the background, a person is sitting at a desk, wearing headphones and smiling. Shelves and household items are visible in the softly lit room.

We generally appreciate friends who are pleasant, supportive ports in the storm rather than sources of drama or tension in our lives. If you’re prone to gossiping, or call others at any hour of the day or night because you’re having a crisis of some kind, you’re going to push people away.

11. Having biases or negative assumptions due to past experiences.

Two women stand against a pink background, looking at each other with suspicious expressions. The woman on the left has curly hair and wears a denim shirt over a light blue top, while the woman on the right has straight hair and wears a checkered shirt over a white top.

Some people allow past negative experiences to shape future actions, much to their own detriment. For example, if you had a friend from a particular culture who hurt you or betrayed your trust in the past, you might avoid cultivating another friendship with someone of that background because you’re afraid they might do the same thing.

12. Approaching friendships strategically rather than authentically.

Two women are having a conversation outdoors near an urban overpass. One woman, with blonde hair, is wearing a blue long-sleeve shirt and has her arms crossed. The other woman, with curly hair, is wearing a red sleeveless top and dark pants, and is gesturing with her hands.

One of the worst things you can do is try to get close to people because of the benefits you think you’ll gain from them, rather than because you sincerely want to be their friend. Examples may include wanting to get a membership in an organization, getting close to a mutual celebrity acquaintance, and so on.