If being cheated on has left you insecure, doing these 10 things will make it so much worse

It’s understandable to feel insecure.

A woman in a red top and a man with light brown hair are sitting closely, viewed from above. The woman looks upward with a serious expression, while the man looks downward. Bright sunlight highlights their hair and faces.

Being cheated on can leave you feeling insecure, hurt your self-esteem, and cause you to develop trust issues. You could become paranoid and assume your partner will cheat on you, whether it’s the partner that already did it or a new one.

Whether you stay in the relationship or not, there are some things you need to do for yourself after being cheated on.

And there are some things you might be doing that are making the insecurity worse.

Keep reading to find out if you’re engaging in any of these 10 unhelpful behaviors.

1. Blaming yourself for your partner’s choice.

A woman with long dark hair appears distressed, resting her chin on her clasped hands and looking down. A man with a beard is blurred in the background, suggesting tension between them. Both are indoors, wearing casual clothing.

You shouldn’t blame yourself for the affair, but you can’t ignore your role either. Maybe neither of you were happy in the relationship, and this is something both of you are responsible for.

However, the decision to cheat was purely your partner’s choice, and you can’t blame yourself for that.

People often say they weren’t happy in a relationship when they cheated, but that’s not a valid excuse. If your partner wasn’t satisfied with how things were, they could have worked on improving them or considered ending the relationship instead of cheating.

The fact that they chose to cheat is not your fault. After all, some people cheat even when they are happy with their partners.

Find out your partner’s reason for cheating, but don’t take responsibility for the affair. There were thousands of different things your partner could have done if something was wrong in your relationship.

If you want to stay with your partner, you’ll need to work on your problems together, and you can and should take responsibility for them. However, don’t let them convince you that those problems caused the cheating or make you feel responsible for the affair.

2. Making yourself paranoid.

A young man looks at his smartphone with a concerned expression, holding his forehead with one hand. He is wearing a light blue shirt and a white watch. Blurred greenery is visible in the background.

You could start constantly worrying that your partner is cheating on you, even if it’s a new partner and not the one who actually did cheat. When you don’t hear from them in a while, you could start thinking that they’re cheating on you.

Don’t do this to yourself!

Just because someone cheated on you doesn’t mean it will happen again, even if you stay with them. If you decide to stay with your partner, you will have to learn to trust them again.

Yes, there’s always a possibility that they might cheat again, but you can’t keep thinking that way. The opportunity always existed. You must accept that you can’t control what someone else does.

All you can do is trust them if you want to be with them, whether it’s the partner that cheated on you or a new one.

Don’t drive yourself crazy with thoughts about what they’re doing every second of every day when they’re away from you. What’s the use in it anyway? If they wanted to cheat on you, they could do it no matter what you do.

Don’t make yourself paranoid by thinking that it will happen every time they go away. If you keep thinking that way, it will ruin your relationship. You must learn to move past what happened and trust again.

3. Fixating on the details of the affair.

A man with a beard and short hair is leaning against a window, gazing thoughtfully into the distance. He is wearing a gray T-shirt and appears to be lost in deep contemplation. The lighting is soft and natural.

You know what happened, but you don’t need to know exactly how it happened.

When people get cheated on, they often demand to know who their partner cheated with and the other details of the affair. In reality, the less you know, the better.

Try not to wonder about the details and don’t demand to know them. It’s bad enough that you can now picture your partner with someone else, and you don’t need to imagine it in detail.

Knowing it happened is bad enough; don’t make things worse by thinking about it too much.

Are they better looking than I am? Were they better in bed? Did they do the same things that we do?

Don’t torture yourself with these and similar questions.

It will be easier to move on if you don’t think about it too much, whether you want to stay with your partner or not.

If you know who they cheated with, don’t drive yourself crazy by stalking that person on social media and checking out their pictures.

Your partner’s lover won’t be in the picture anymore anyway. Either you will break up with your partner, or they will end things with their lover. You don’t need to think about them anymore.

4. Hating your partner and holding on to anger toward them.

A man with a beard is sitting on a sofa, angrily burning a photo with a lighter. The photo shows a smiling couple. The background is dark and slightly out of focus, emphasizing the man's expression and actions.

It makes perfect sense not to hate your partner if you want to stay with them. However, this applies if you’re going to end the relationship as well.

You don’t want to hold grudges and resent someone whether they’ll still be in your life or not. Try to forgive them even if you don’t want to be with them anymore.

What they did wasn’t fair to you, but it was human. People often cheat, even when they are perfectly happy with their partners.

Sometimes it’s because they’re tempted by the excitement of being with someone new. Other times it is because they’re not right for their partner to begin with.

Whatever your partner’s reasons, try to understand them and forgive them for hurting you. Maybe they’re aware that what they did was a mistake, and they regret doing it. It’s just one more reason to release them from the guilt, even if you’re not willing to take them back.

The truth is, your partner most likely didn’t intend to hurt you when they decided to cheat. They weren’t thinking about you at all, and that’s a problem. They were attracted to someone else, and they didn’t resist the temptation. That’s probably all there is to it.

The fact that they cheated doesn’t mean that they’re not capable of being a loving, loyal, trustworthy partner.

Even if you can’t trust that anymore, forgive them for hurting you with their infidelity.

5. Letting your happiness depend on your partner.

Close-up of a couple sharing an intimate moment. The man, with short hair and a beard, gently kisses the cheek of the smiling woman, who has shoulder-length dark hair and wears a green top. They appear to be in a cozy indoor setting.

In a relationship, people often start letting their partner dictate their emotions. Even if your partner is “your better half,” you are a whole person without them.

Start feeling fulfilled and complete as a person regardless of your relationship.

A relationship can significantly contribute to your happiness. But you can find happiness outside of it as well, and you definitely should. Don’t let your happiness depend on your partner or any other person for that matter.

You don’t have to absorb your partner’s feelings when they are upset about something. Put things in perspective by understanding that they are experiencing their own emotions, and you don’t have to be a part of it.

For instance, you can understand their feelings without getting angry if they are angry. You don’t have to experience the same things; you are two separate individuals. They don’t have to make you angry for you to be angry.

In the same way, they don’t have to make you happy for you to feel happy.

You have your own life outside of the relationship, and you’re responsible for your happiness. Adopting this mindset will help you in future relationships if things don’t work out with your partner.

Work on being more independent and relying on yourself for your happiness. This will help you overcome insecurities after being cheated on.

6. Becoming clingy and checking up on your partner.

A woman with red hair is holding a red smartphone to her ear, looking to the side with a thoughtful expression. She is wearing a dark sweater, and the background is colorful and abstract.

You might be tempted to check up on your partner every few minutes when they’re away from you. Why are you doing this? Are you actually worried that they might be cheating?

Even if it doesn’t feel that way, you might subconsciously be so afraid of them cheating again that you become too clingy.

This behavior could happen in a new relationship, and it’s a consequence of trust issues. But think about it realistically; you can’t stop your partner from cheating on you by texting and calling them all the time.

It might even push them away because they will start feeling suffocated in the relationship.

Remind yourself that you can’t control them, but you don’t have to either. You must trust your partner for your relationship to work. This can be difficult when they’ve already betrayed your trust. But if things are going to work in your relationship, you’ll have to learn to trust them again.

Don’t ask them to spend all their free time with you so that you can keep an eye on them. And don’t become overly jealous or controlling because it’s unhealthy and won’t do you any good.

7. Believing that you have any control over what your partner does.

A couple stands outdoors among autumn foliage. The man, in a white sweater and scarf, gently holds the hand of the woman, who wears a white sweater and a red beret. They're engaged in a quiet, intimate moment with warm sunlight filtering through the trees.

A great way to stop yourself from being clingy and controlling is to remind yourself that you can’t control your partner. If they decide to cheat on you, they will find a way to do it no matter how much you try to control them.

The point is that the decision to cheat or not is purely theirs, and there’s no way you can control what they do. Don’t even try to. If you do, it could just create more problems in your relationship.

Whether someone will cheat on you or stay faithful to you is entirely up to them—realizing and accepting this can help you overcome your trust issues.

All you can do to stop someone from cheating on you is to be a good, loving partner to them. If that’s not enough for them, that’s not your problem. You must trust that it will be enough and hope to get the same in return.

8. Assuming you’ll get cheated on again.

A woman with long brown hair looks pensively into the distance, while a man with short dark hair stands behind her with his eyes closed, both wearing fall clothing, in an outdoor park setting with trees and autumn leaves in the background.

Trusting your partner means that you won’t assume they’ll cheat on you again. Unless there’s a good reason for you to believe that your partner will stay unfaithful, don’t drive yourself crazy with assumptions and doubts.

Instead, try to stay focused on the facts.

When you think they might be cheating, ask yourself if there is a likelier explanation before reacting. Also, it would be good to remind yourself that you’ve caught them once. If they happen to cheat again, you will likely catch them again. There’s no need to be on the lookout constantly.

What’s more, constantly fearing that they might be cheating on you might ruin your relationship. Don’t try to be a mind reader. Unless there’s a good reason to doubt your partner’s fidelity, don’t assume that they’ll make the same mistake twice.

This is especially important if you want to make things work with them.

9. Forgetting about all of your amazing qualities and achievements.

A man with a beard and short hair stands pensively by a large window with greenery visible outside. He is wearing a denim jacket over a white shirt and jeans, with his arms crossed and eyes looking down. The interior is bright with natural light from the window.

You didn’t deserve to be cheated on, and the fact that your partner did this says nothing about you as a person. You didn’t deserve to be disrespected like that.

However, your self-esteem probably took a hit. Work on it by reminding yourself of everything you’ve achieved and your good qualities. Write them down if it will help you become more aware of them.

Maybe you know how to play bass, you’re compassionate and kind, and you make killer pancakes. It can be anything good about you that you can think of.

After the affair, you might see yourself in a negative light. So put the spotlight on everything great about you that could overshadow the negative thoughts you have about yourself.

Don’t hesitate to ask your loved ones for support and encouragement. Be kind to yourself and talk about yourself as if you would about someone you love. Avoid self-criticism and learn to accept compliments.

Try to have a positive attitude, and if it’s hard to act confident sometimes, fake it till you make it. If you can’t believe in yourself right now, pretend that you do until you can.

Set some time aside to do the things that make you feel good about yourself and make yourself happy.

10. Believing you’ll never trust anyone again.

A woman with dark hair wearing a yellow top sits on a couch, resting her chin on her hand with a pensive expression. A man in a striped shirt sits in the background with his back turned to her. They appear to be in a modern, well-lit living room.

“All men/women are the same.”

“I’ll never trust a man/woman again.”

These thoughts and similar simply aren’t good for you. If you start convincing yourself that you can’t trust anyone anymore, what are you going to do if it works?

After all, what benefit could you have from not trusting your partner? You can’t have a healthy relationship like that. If you think it’s an excellent way to prevent getting hurt again, you’re wrong. It’s a destructive mindset that will get you hurt because you won’t be able to let anyone in.

Understand that you must be willing to trust again. If you can’t trust your current partner anymore, you’ll have to end the relationship. Remember that you could have trust issues in a new relationship, too. Be willing to try trusting people again without assuming that it will get you hurt.

Yes, sometimes you’ll get hurt when you put your trust in someone, but that’s just a risk you must take to have love in your life. No one wants to hurt you, and when it happens, it’s rarely on purpose.

You can’t have a relationship without trust. So what are you willing to give up: trust issues or relationships?