If a friend does these 12 things, they aren't worth keeping (no matter your history)

Don’t hang on to a friend who does these 12 things

Two women are sitting together at a table, smiling and holding mugs. One woman has a blue mug, and the other has a white cup. They appear to be enjoying a conversation in a bright setting. A person in the background is wearing a plaid shirt.

Friendships are meant to enrich our lives, providing support, joy, and companionship. However, not all friendships are created equal. Some relationships can become toxic and detrimental to our well-being, yet we feel obliged to keep them going because of longevity or shared experiences.

Recognizing when a friendship is no longer serving you is crucial for maintaining healthy connections and protecting our mental health. Let’s explore 12 red flags that indicate it might be time to cut loose a friend, no matter how long you’ve known each other.

1. They belittle or dismiss your feelings and experiences.

Two women are conversing in a bright office. One is holding a smartphone and wearing an orange sweater, while the other has a mug and a green sweater. They appear engaged in a friendly discussion, with computers in the background.

When you share personal triumphs or struggles does this “friend” meet your excitement with eye rolls or dismissive comments? Are your emotions brushed aside as “dramatic” or “unnecessary”? Whilst a friend might not be fully able to empathize with what you’re feeling or going through, a real friend won’t invalidate it.

If you keep this person in your life, you may find that over time you are hesitating to share anything meaningful. The connection between you will begin to lessen and in its place resentment will build.

2. They only appear when they need something.

Two men are sitting in the front seats of a car. The man on the left is talking with an expressive gesture, wearing a light-colored sweatshirt, while the man on the right, who is not facing the camera directly, is listening attentively and wearing a white t-shirt.

Take note of when your friend reaches out. Is it only when they need a favor, a loan, or some other form of assistance? Once their need is met, do they vanish like smoke, leaving you feeling used and unappreciated? You might start to feel like genuine interest in your life is absent, replaced by a transactional relationship where your value is measured by what you can provide.

3. They constantly put you down or criticize you, which maybe be subtle or blatant.

Two women talking in a kitchen. One holds a mug, gesturing with her hand, while the other looks at her while holding a smartphone. A fruit basket and a glass of red juice are on the counter.

Does every interaction with this person feel like walking through a minefield of criticism? If your friend’s words consistently chip away at your self-esteem, targeting your appearance, decisions, and even your dreams, it’s a red flag.

The constant barrage of put-downs will eventually leave you second-guessing your worth and abilities. You might find yourself bracing for criticism with each interaction, the joy of friendship replaced by a sense of dread and inadequacy. This isn’t someone you want in your life, no matter what you’ve been through together in the past.

4. They frequently flake on you at the last minute.

A man in a gray suit stands outdoors in front of a modern building, holding a smartphone in his left hand. He appears puzzled or frustrated, with his right hand raised in a questioning gesture and a furrowed brow.

Keep track of how often your plans fall through with this so-called friend. Do you frequently find yourself disappointed by last-minute cancellations? If so, this signals a fundamental lack of respect for your time and emotional investment. Each cancellation reinforces the message that you’re an afterthought, easily discarded when something more appealing comes along.

And there’s a good chance that your friendship, long though it may be, has run its course and your pal is trying to phase you out without having to be upfront about it.

5. They gossip about you behind your back or “accidentally” let slip secrets told in confidence.

Be aware of how information about you circulates among your social circle. Do you catch snippets of conversations that sound eerily familiar – details of your life you’ve shared in confidence? This could be a sign that your friend is using your personal information as social currency.

Perhaps you find yourself constantly on guard, carefully filtering your words and experiences, in case they might become fodder for the rumor mill. If that’s the case, you’ve got to ask yourself whether this is really someone you want to spend your precious time on.

6. They repeatedly disrespect your boundaries, or think your friendship doesn’t require boundaries.

Two men sitting on a sandy beach, each holding a beer bottle. They are engaged in a lively conversation, with the man on the right gesturing animatedly. Both are casually dressed in layered clothing. The sea is visible in the background under a clear blue sky.

Does your friend treat “no” as a foreign concept, consistently pushing against your boundaries? This might manifest as showing up uninvited, pressuring you to share information you’re not comfortable discussing, or ignoring your requests for space.

This disregard for personal limits can leave you feeling violated and uncomfortable in your own skin and it’s a huge red flag. A friendship should be a source of comfort, not a constant battle to maintain your sense of self and personal space. Just because someone has given you years of friendship or shared experiences, doesn’t mean you owe them more than you want to give.

7. They’re miserable to be around and drain your energy every time you talk to them.

Three women are sitting together on a couch. The woman on the right appears upset, covering her face with one hand. The other two women are offering comfort and support, with one speaking and the other placing a hand on her shoulder.

Reflect on how you feel after spending time with this friend. Does every interaction leave you feeling like you’ve waded through a swamp of misery? An excessively negative friend’s constant complaints and pessimistic outlook can cast a shadow over even the brightest moments.

Everyone goes through tough times, and it’s important to be there for your friends when they need you. But if you find yourself dreading conversations, knowing they’ll inevitably turn into marathon venting sessions, it’s not going to be sustainable. The weight of their negativity may begin to affect your own outlook, tainting your perspective and affecting your mental health.

8. They never take responsibility for their actions.

How does your friend handle mistakes or conflicts both in and outside of your relationship? Are they quick to make excuses, deflect blame, or point fingers? When it comes to arguments between the two of you, apologies might be rare, and when they do come, they’re often hollow and followed by justifications.

This lack of accountability can create a one-sided relationship where you’re constantly smoothing over conflicts and making allowances for them. It can also just make them really annoying to be around, especially if you’re the sort of person who takes personal responsibility seriously.

9. They pressure you to do things you’re uncomfortable with.

Two women are sitting in a bright, modern cafe, smiling and holding cups of coffee. One wears a beige blouse and the other a white sweater with a yellow scarf. They appear engaged in a friendly conversation.

A friend who tries to get you to do things you don’t want to do is not a friend you want to keep in your life. End of.

This could range from pressuring you to drink when you’d rather stay sober to encouraging risky behavior.

If you stay in this friendship it will become a source of anxiety rather than enjoyment. And let’s not forget you could end up putting yourself in serious danger if you allow yourself to be pressured by a friend like this. No means no, and a friend who doesn’t respect that is not a friend.

10. They manipulate you emotionally to get what they want.

Two women sitting and chatting at an outdoor café with a canal and buildings in the background. One woman, wearing a hat, holds a coffee cup while the other woman, wearing a patterned scarf, looks at her while speaking.

If guilt trips, passive-aggressive comments, and subtle threats of withdrawal feature in your interactions, you’re being emotionally manipulated.

Emotional manipulation has no place in a mature and healthy friendship. Friends who are worth keeping don’t feel the need to play mind games. They’ll communicate openly and honestly, and if they want something, they’ll just ask. Don’t stay in a friendship that’s become like a draining chess game – if you do, you’ll always be two moves behind.

11. They try to make you feel guilty for having other friends or interests.

Two women are sitting on a beige sofa in a brightly lit room, engaged in an animated conversation. The woman with curly hair gestures with her hands while speaking, and the blonde woman sits cross-legged, listening attentively and responding. Both appear relaxed.

Do snide comments, sulking behavior, or outright hostility greet any mention of new hobbies or friendships? Their possessiveness might manifest as guilt-tripping, making you feel disloyal for simply having a well-rounded life.

This suffocating behavior can leave you torn between maintaining your individuality and appeasing their demands for exclusive attention. If you carry on down this route, the friendship could become a cage, limiting your personal growth and social connections rather than enhancing your life. Just because a friend has been with you through thick and thin, doesn’t mean they get a monopoly over your life.

12. They constantly compete with you instead of supporting you.

Two men, both wearing white t-shirts, engage in a competitive arm-wrestling match while leaning over a large tractor tire. They appear focused and determined. The background shows a dimly lit indoor gym setting with minimal equipment visible.

If every achievement or positive development in your life is met with an attempt to one-up you or diminish your success, it’s time to consider whether this is a friendship that’s actually adding to your life. A friend who is more interested in outdoing you than celebrating your victories might turn conversations into subtle competitions, so look out for this red flag.

This constant rivalry can drain the joy from your accomplishments and create an atmosphere of tension rather than mutual support. Sooner or later the friendship will become a battleground of egos rather than a source of encouragement and shared happiness. And I think we can all agree that’s not a friendship you need in your life, regardless of what you’ve been through together in the past.

If a friend does these 12 things, they aren’t worth keeping (no matter your history)