11 Common but terrible ways to reject someone
It feels horrible to be rejected, but doing the rejecting isn’t fun either. When you let someone know that you’re not interested in them, it’s going to hurt them no matter how nicely you phrase it. But there are certain things you can say or do that make a big difference to how the person feels after.
And sometimes when we think we’re being kind and letting someone down gently, we’re actually making things ten times worse.
Like doing any of the following:
1. Making up strings of excuses.
When you want to reject someone you don’t know that well (or at all), you might be tempted to come up with an excuse not to date them. You are too busy, you are already in a relationship, or you are moving to another country next week…
Excuses like these aren’t a great way to avoid dating someone, even if you’re not going to see them again. People can usually see straight through them and know they are being fobbed off. Be honest instead. Just make sure that you’re also kind and straightforward. People find honesty refreshing over lame excuses.
2. Giving an excessively long explanation.
This new person in your life doesn’t need a long explanation, and you probably don’t have enough time to come up with it anyway. You don’t want to date them or see them and that’s all you really need to say – you just need to find nicer words.
Be honest, concise, and clear. Focus on the things that make you the wrong person for them, not the other way around.
It’s never a bad idea to focus on things that make you different. Whatever you do, make sure to stick to the point – which is that you’re not right for each other.
3. Making a joke about it.
Don’t ever turn rejecting someone into a joke, and avoid sarcasm. They could easily feel insulted if they don’t get that you’re joking or being sarcastic.
Maybe, under other circumstances, they would get it, but you have to keep in mind that they are being rejected. Their feelings are already hurt, and they will simply assume that you’re just a jerk.
So don’t be a jerk.
Reject them nicely without acting silly, being sarcastic, or joking around.
Humor can often help keep things light. However, when you’re rejecting someone, they’re not going to react to it as they normally would. They are going to feel like you’re insulting them or making fun of them.
At the very least, they’re going to think that you’re not taking them and the situation seriously. Telling someone that you’re not interested in them is no time to joke around because it’s no laughing matter.
4. Apologizing for it.
A lot of people start these devastating sentences with “I’m sorry, but…” when there’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re not sorry that you’re not interested in the person, you’re just sorry that you have to say it to them. Dr. Gary Lewandowski, psychology professor at Monmouth University and relationship expert says apologies should be avoided.
Apologizing might seem like something that can ease the blow, but it often sounds dishonest. So, it’s better to avoid it. After all, (presumably) you did nothing wrong so there’s nothing to apologize for.
Instead of saying “I’m sorry but I’m not interested,” say something like “I’m flattered but I’m not interested.”
Saying something positive is always better than apologizing. It also sounds better to the person being rejected.
It’s best not to sound like you’re saying any old thing just to get it over with. And apologizing can seem that way.
5. Turning a compliment into false hope.
Yes, if you boost their confidence, they are less likely to take your rejection personally. It will be easier for them to move on, and things will be less awkward between you.
However, don’t compliment them so much that they think they might still have a chance with you. Make it clear that you’re not right for each other, and don’t give them false hope.
6. Turning it into a long, drawn-out conversation.
In situations like these, less is more.
When you’re rejecting someone, you could start digging yourself into a hole with every extra sentence that you say. There could be a lot of uncomfortable silence and hurt feelings. You might even agree to go out with them if the conversation lasts longer than it must.
When you want to reject someone, do it fast and as painlessly as possible. Don’t turn it into a long conversation because you don’t need to explain yourself.
Make it quick and keep it simple. Avoid talking about it further, even if they try to persuade you to change your mind.
7. Talking about their physical traits.
No one wants to know that you’re not attracted to them or, even worse, that you don’t think that they look attractive. So don’t talk about physical traits. Ever.
Focus on how the two of you are different instead of what you don’t like about them, especially if it’s the way they look.
Don’t say:
“I’m sorry, I’m just not attracted to you.”
Instead, say something like:
“You seem like a wonderful person, but I’m not romantically interested in you.”
Saying that you’re not romantically interested in someone is much better than saying that you’re not attracted to them.
Don’t imply that there’s some sort of a physical trait that’s causing you to reject them. It won’t go down well and could do lasting damage.
8. Over-explaining yourself.
While you shouldn’t give someone a fake number and say the job’s done, you don’t need to get into a lot of details either. Especially if it’s someone you’ve only just met.
Maybe you owe them the truth. However, it doesn’t have to be a list of 30 reasons why you don’t like them or a list of 10 qualities that make them a bad match for you.
You should be honest, but it doesn’t mean that you must confess everything, especially if it’s going to hurt them. Phrase what you want to say so that it’s more about you than about them.
9. Putting it off.
You might feel tempted to put off this unpleasant conversation, but don’t do it.
Maybe you enjoy their attention, or you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Either way, you should do it as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the more it will hurt them.
The right time to tell someone that you’re not interested in them is as soon as you’re sure that you’re not. If you instead drag things out, the person might assume that everything is going great. In an ideal world, your rejection shouldn’t come as a surprise them, so don’t postpone the unpleasant conversation.
Make sure not to do it on an important day for them. If it’s their birthday or they have a big job interview the morning after, it might be best to wait a bit. However, don’t use these things as an excuse. There’ll always be something else going on in their lives, and you can’t wait forever to tell them the truth.
10. Being vague and unclear or trying to sugarcoat it.
Don’t sugarcoat it to the point that you give this person false hope. Stick to your decision and make it clear to them.
Don’t say “Yeah, we can hang out next week” if you don’t intend to see them again. Leaving things open-ended will just mean that you’re leading them on.
Be kind but firm and stick to your decision. Don’t let them convince you into giving them a chance or going on more dates with them. If you are sure that you’re not interested in them, end things.
When you reject someone, you might be tempted to take it back at some point in the conversation. Don’t do this. Don’t give anyone false hope if you know what you want and don’t want.
11. Ghosting them.
You might be tempted to just ghost someone that you want to reject, but don’t do this. Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist says that ghosting can be especially painful to the person you’re rejecting. Don’t just disappear into thin air and leave them guessing. It can hurt even more than a rejection.
So, let them in on what’s going on inside your head. Let them down gently. You can ignore them if they are persistent in pursuing you after the rejection. However, make sure you officially rejected them first.
