Before confronting your family about past hurts, consider these 12 things carefully

Should you confront your family about past hurts?

A young man in a brown jacket stands behind an older man in a beige sweater using a walking cane. They are indoors with a neutral-toned background and a blurred painting.

Many people who experienced family-related trauma daydream about confronting those who hurt them in the past. Most of them envision the healthy closure and resolution that could happen as a result. But things rarely pan out the way we hope—for various reasons. If you’ve been thinking about confronting your family about past hurts, consider the following carefully before doing so.

1. Ask yourself whether your perspective of the situation was the truth, and the whole picture.

A young woman sits on a couch, gently comforting an older woman who appears upset. The older woman has gray hair and is wearing a white sweater, while the young woman has long brown hair and is wearing a light-colored shirt and jeans.

People’s perspectives are often myopic, and may not encompass situations in their entirety. For example, someone who remembers a parent screaming at them to go to their room when they didn’t feel well might not realize that they were being shielded from domestic violence at the time. Consider your memories in the context of the bigger picture.

2. Were you of clear mind at the time? (i.e. were you very young, under the influence of anything, and so on?)

Two young children lean on a table with sad expressions while a man and woman are seen in the background arguing. The scene takes place in a brightly lit room with windows and a bookshelf. The mood is tense, reflecting family conflict.

Once again, perspectives of different situations are contextual. Very young children who don’t have much life experience may not be able to grasp what’s going on, and feel hurt that’s disproportionate to the event. Similarly, someone who’s been drinking, or dosed on cold medication may not remember things exactly as they occurred.

3. What were your parents going through at the time?

Two children rest their heads on a kitchen counter, looking sad. In the background, a man and a woman are having a tense conversation, with the man gesturing. The kitchen has white cabinets and a window showing greenery outside.

It’s easy to forget that parents are people, and like anyone else, they’ve had to deal with some pretty harrowing things throughout their lives. When the past hurt you want to discuss occurred, what were they going through? What factors may have contributed to the situation that caused you pain?

4. Are you open to discussing things from all sides?

A concerned younger man holds the hands of an older man sitting on a couch in a bright living room. The older man appears serious, while the younger offers comfort. There are houseplants and soft natural light in the background.

If you’re thinking about confronting your family about past hurts, are you open and willing to hear their perspectives of the situation? Or are you focused on having your feelings unilaterally accepted and validated? Being open to a frank and honest discussion from everyone involved may shed greater light and open everyone up to deeper healing.

5. Do you have a self-care plan in place in case this confrontation goes badly?

A woman with long blonde hair wearing a pink sweater sits on a couch, looking thoughtful. A person with short hair wearing a yellow sweater is seated opposite her, taking notes on a clipboard. The setting appears to be a casual indoor environment.

Many people who confront family about past hurts end up being re-traumatized by those who refuse to acknowledge that they were hurt at all. Gaslighting, complete invalidation, and/or mockery might cause you far more damage than you’d expect. Be sure to have support (such as a therapist) on standby if you choose to confront them.

6. Are the people in your life able to take accountability for their actions?

A middle-aged man with gray hair and a beard sits on a couch, comforting an older man with white hair and a beard. They appear to be having a serious conversation in a living room with bookshelves in the background.

Basically, have the people you want to confront ever admitted when they were wrong? Or do they do everything they can to twist a situation so that their behavior is always justified? Those who refuse accountability aren’t likely to deal well with confrontation, and might get horribly abusive if their past transgressions are raised.

7. Are you looking for resolution? Or payback?

A woman with short blonde hair sits beside a younger woman with long brown hair, giving her a comforting hug. The younger woman looks thoughtful and distant, resting her chin on her hands. They are indoors with green plants and bookshelves in the background.

Consider your intentions behind this confrontation: are you hoping to be validated, understood, and apologized to? Or is your goal to make them understand the damage they caused by hurting them the way they hurt you? Clarify your end goals first, as this will inform the next steps for you to take.

8. Are they likely to retaliate and punish you for this confrontation? Or react with understanding?

A young woman and an older woman sit on a beige couch engaged in a serious conversation. The younger woman, with blonde hair, gestures with her hand while looking intently. The older woman, with gray hair, responds thoughtfully. Both appear focused and concerned.

Is the person you’re hoping to confront about these past hurts likely to be open to discussing it? Or are they likely to gaslight you, invalidate your feelings, and even get other family members involved and against you? For example, confronting a narcissist about how much they’ve hurt you might only empower them further.

9. How have they reacted to any other similar discussions in the past?

A senior man sits on a couch with his hand covering his mouth, appearing deep in thought. A younger man sits beside him, facing away and looking troubled. They are in a room with large windows and beige curtains, suggesting a serious or tense moment between them.

If you’ve been thinking about confronting your family about past hurts, chances are you’ve tried to discuss the subject before—even just casually. Consider their reactions when you’ve mentioned hurts you’ve experienced: did they show sympathy? Or laugh at you for being “weak”? Their past responses will offer a glimpse into how confrontation may unfold.

10. Timing: is this an ideal time to discuss such matters?

A woman with a somber expression looks away while another older woman gently places her hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture. The two are indoors, with a blurred background suggesting a bright room.

If you have a good intention and you’re aiming to heal rather than hurt, consider the rhythm of your family’s current life before bringing up old wounds. For instance, if one of your parents is severely ill from ongoing cancer treatment, is now a good time to bring up past hurts?

11. Be aware that you may not get the healing or closure that you’re seeking.

An elderly woman with short white hair sits at a dining table set with various foods, including a roast chicken, corn on the cob, bread, and salad. She is holding a fork and looking off to the side, with a kitchen in the background.

Ideally, confronting family about past hurts will result in tears, heartfelt apologies, validation, and a commitment to growing and healing together. In reality, however, some people are so committed to maintaining the narrative they’ve spun for themselves that they’ll double down and refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing on their part.

12. Once this discussion happens, you can never go back.

Two women are depicted in the image. In the foreground, an older woman with short brown hair looks down thoughtfully, with her fist against her mouth. In the background, a younger woman, facing away, appears to be deep in thought as well.

Although the ideal outcome for confrontation about past hurts and traumas is healthy resolution and forward growth, this isn’t always the case. Ask yourself whether you’re prepared to change your current family dynamic forever, as bringing up past hurts can lead to tension, alienation, or even permanent estrangement.