Has anyone ever told you you’re condescending or patronizing?
Maybe you hear this on a regular basis?
If so, you might feel a bit bewildered. After all, you may just be trying to share information that you really like.
Or perhaps you’re keen to help because you think you know what would make their lives, health, or overall situation better.
The thing is, quite often, what we say to others comes across quite differently than how we meant it.
We may come across as expressing arrogance or scorn when in fact, we’re drawing upon life experience in order to spare others hardship.
Alternatively, sometimes we really do get frustrated with someone else’s ignorance, and have a hard time keeping that from entering our verbal tone.
Regardless, there are some things to avoid if you don’t want to come off as a condescending jerk. Here are 8 of them.
1. Jumping straight in with your knowledge rather than listening to other people first.
You may be really eager to help someone with a situation or project by imparting your knowledge and experience to them. You may have found a great approach to a problem, or a wonderful diet, or great exercise routines, for example. You’ll feel that the other person would benefit greatly by you teaching them a better way.
If they’re up for that, great! But what if they’re not? And how do you know if you haven’t asked first?
That person isn’t you, and they’ll know whether a particular approach, or movement, or food will benefit them or not.
By trying to enforce your ideas upon them, you’re disrespecting them and infringing upon their personal sovereignty. Furthermore, many people prefer to figure things out for themselves.
They might feel irritated and annoyed by you telling them what they should be doing. And even more disempowered because they’re trying to be polite and not just tell you to shut up.
If you’re trying to tell them what they should be doing differently, and they let you know that they’re doing things another way, listen to them.
You don’t have to respect their method, but accept the fact that they want to go down that route, rather than yours.
Additionally, many people don’t listen to others, but just wait for their opportunity to speak. Try to listen actively instead, and respond sincerely.
2. Assuming people can and should all learn at the same rate and by the same time.
Just because you mastered something by X age doesn’t mean that others will have done so as well. Everyone learns at their own pace, and learns different things at various ages.
For example, your family may have gone camping and you were an ace at lighting fires by age 10. You might be inclined to roll your eyes and get frustrated if friends or partners fumble with building one, because how can they not know this already?
Probably because they never had the opportunities that you did. This might be the first fire they’ve ever built. It might be old hat to you, but it’s totally new to them.
And they likely feel really awful with you sighing and letting them know everything they’re doing wrong.
They will learn in time, and you’d do a lot more for them with encouragement and understanding rather than being a jerk about it.
You may have perceptions of someone else’s shortcomings, but those are often your own biases, rather than the full picture.
3. Making assumptions about other people’s knowledge level.
Have you ever felt frustration when someone else started lecturing you on a topic that you already knew well, because they assumed you knew nothing about it?
Perhaps others feel the same way about you.
You might be enthusiastic about a topic and start the conversation by informing them about this, that, and the other thing. But did you ask them first what their familiarity was on the subject? Or did you merely assume that they were blank slates before immediately launching into professor mode?
You’ll probably feel a bit silly if you try to lecture someone on a topic in which they’re far more knowledgeable than you are.
This is why it’s always good practice to ask a person how familiar they are with a subject before you launch into it.
If they know nothing about it, ask if they want to hear about it. Should their answer be yes, then you have free rein to go right ahead and blow their minds. And if they say they’re not interested, maybe ask if they’d like to discuss something different.
As an aside, sometimes when you ask someone their familiarity with a topic, you’ll discover that they don’t just know the subject at hand: they’re really enthusiastic about it!
That can lead to some spectacular discussions and might be the start to great friendships.
4. Not meeting people where they are at.
Sometimes we need to adjust our vocabularies, energies, and even volume to suit the people we’re interacting with.
For example, we would simplify certain terms and phrases if we’re instructing children.
That doesn’t mean that we talk down to them like they’re imbeciles.
Many people treat children with condescension, even unintentionally. This is often because they feel superior in a way, and feel that they are in a position to instruct the next generation.
It doesn’t show respect to these young people as sentient beings who are learning as they go along.
It is better to mostly use terminology that they’re familiar with to help them understand a concept.
But that doesn’t mean that we can’t introduce new words, phrases, and techniques, but rather that we do so in between familiar ones so they feel curious, rather than inept.
The same goes for people of all ages. Just because someone is 80 instead of 8 doesn’t mean they aren’t still learning.
Respect where a person is as far as their education and evolution are concerned, and meet them there without dumbing things down.
5. Assuming the person you’re imparting your knowledge on is actually interested in hearing it.
This goes along with the above idea of not infringing upon someone else’s sovereignty. You might be talking at someone who’s immensely knowledgeable about the subject you’re droning on about, but completely not in the mood to discuss it.
As such, they’re not engaging with you for a reason, and it isn’t because they don’t already know the subject inside out.
It’s that they can’t be bothered to take part in this one-sided conversation.
Are you talking to this person because you want mutual discourse? Or because you just feel like talking about a subject, regardless of your company?
If this person weren’t in the room with you, would you still be talking to thin air?
6. Lecturing people on the right way to live when you’ve never walked in their shoes.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you know what’s best for everyone, especially when you’ve found something that works well for you, and which should, in theory, work for everyone else. “Educating” people on healthy changes they can make to their lifestyle and behaviors is a great example of this. You may be passionate and eager to share your knowledge with others, convinced it’ll improve their lives too.
But here’s the thing: everyone’s circumstances are unique. What works for you might not work for someone else, and more importantly, what is “easy” to implement for you, might not be so easy for someone who has lived, or is living, a completely different life to you. Lecturing them about it is only going to come across as delusional and condescending.
For instance, you might be passionate about veganism and its benefits, but lecturing a single parent working two jobs about how they should be preparing elaborate organic, plant-based meals isn’t helpful – it’s just annoying and out of touch.
7. Showing your expertise in a way that makes others feel inferior.
When you’re knowledgeable or skilled in a particular area, it’s natural to want to share that expertise. However, there’s a fine line between sharing knowledge and using it to make others feel small.
For example, if you’re a wine connoisseur, you might be tempted to correct someone’s pronunciation of “Pinot Noir” or scoff at their choice of a cheap Merlot. But by doing so, you’re not educating—you’re alienating.
Your expertise should be used to elevate conversations, not to put others down.
Instead of pointing out what others don’t know, try to find ways to make your knowledge accessible and engaging. If someone expresses interest in your area of expertise, offer information in a way that’s inclusive rather than intimidating.
The goal should be to inspire curiosity and share passion, not to showcase superiority. By focusing on making others feel included rather than inferior, you’ll find that people are much more receptive to what you have to offer.
8. Overcompensating for your insecurity by showing off your skillset.
There’s such an enormous amount of knowledge and experience in the world. As such, you can rest assured that there are people out there who are wiser, stronger, more skilled, and smarter than you are.
You may be at the top of your immediate social circle, but step outside that enclave and you’ll find countless other circles beyond that.
Some people use condescension and arrogance as a shield for their own insecurities.
Did you grow up in an environment where you were constantly put down? Or where your accomplishments weren’t acknowledged by others around you? If so, you may have built up your sense of self-worth by accruing knowledge.
As such, your ego is tied into how much you know. You might try to overcompensate in situations where you feel anxious by showing off your vast mental library.
This is understandable, but can be very alienating to others.
Be open to the fact that you still have a lot to learn, just like everyone else on the planet. Even the most skilled warrior can learn new techniques from warriors of other realms.
Finally…
Being condescending often stems from good intentions gone awry. By being a bit more self-aware and empathetic, we can communicate more effectively and build stronger relationships. After all, everyone has something to teach and something to learn. Stay humble, listen actively, and respect others’ experiences. You’ll be surprised how much more receptive people become when they feel heard and valued.
