Doing these 9 things will only result in disappointment.
High expectations will ruin your peace and happiness.
That’s a bold opening statement, isn’t it? But high expectations are often unreasonable expectations.
You think you should be able to do a particular thing. Why shouldn’t you be able to? You’ve done something similar before.
You know that your partner should have done that other thing differently. Why wouldn’t they? Don’t they know better?
Life wasn’t supposed to work out that way! You put in so much work, and it all just evaporates in an instant because things didn’t go how you predicted! How is that fair?
It’s not fair. But few things are in the major scheme of things.
The bedfellow of high expectations is high standards. But wait! Shouldn’t you have high standards? Shouldn’t you strive for the best? Don’t you deserve the best?
No, not really. To say that anyone “deserves” the best is entitlement. Why do you deserve the best? Why do you deserve better than others? There’s always someone or something better; better looking, better paid, better skilled, better talented, better, better, better.
Everyone always talks about the best, being the best, having the best, or trying their best, but people rarely talk about what happens when your best isn’t that good. Sometimes it isn’t going to be. You can do your best and still fail. You can do your best and suck at what you’re doing. And then you’re left with disappointment.
So, what’s the best way to avoid being constantly disappointed in life?
Lower expectations, reasonable standards. And you’ll need to stop doing these 9 things to get there.
1. Making assumptions about how things will turn out and how people will behave.
Never assume that a situation will work out.
Never assume that a person will make the right choice and do the right thing.
Never assume that the thing is handled, and you can ignore it.
Try to catch yourself when you’re making assumptions and replace those thoughts. Instead, think something like, “I need to wait and see how this is going to go.”
The truth is that humans are terrible at predicting things. And ‘assumption’ is really just another word for prediction.
Remind yourself that you, too, are lousy at making predictions. Focus more on staying in the present that you’re dealing with. Mindfulness is a helpful practice for battling assumptions.
2. Believing you are owed.
Fight feelings and thoughts of being owed anything. No one is owed or owes anything to anyone. Other people don’t, life doesn’t, the world doesn’t.
It doesn’t matter how much you give to others, how kind and generous you are, how great a friend you are. Other people may not appreciate it or even realize how much you are doing for them or how you are putting yourself out.
Avoid giving or doing anything in the belief that you will get something back in return. Life rarely works that way. Often, we get what we’re given, and we just have to learn to be happy with that.
The good news is that it is possible to be happy with very little when you aren’t thinking about how everyone is letting you down, and life is screwing you.
3. Being too optimistic about how situations will turn out.
In the philosophy of Stoicism, there exists a practice called “negative visualization.” The idea behind negative visualization is to contemplate how things can go wrong, so you are already emotionally prepared to deal with them should they occur.
Instead of having that negative situation sprung on you out of nowhere, you’ve already thought about it, already have a plan, and you’re ready to find an alternative path to success if required.
For example, “I’m going to get this job because I interviewed in-house for it, I’m qualified, and I’m a hard worker.” But, wait, what if you don’t?
You can pull that expectation back by contemplating not getting the job and your plan for moving forward.
4. Believing you have any control over the outcome.
Borrowing again from the philosophy of Stoicism, we have no control over the outcome. You can pour your heart and soul into a particular thing, and it just doesn’t work out. Maybe you mistimed it. Maybe you did a lot of hard work incorrectly. The reason is irrelevant. What’s important is that hard work and high expectations don’t necessarily mean bountiful results.
Do your best, as good as your best is, but don’t invest your thoughts into the payoff of what you’re doing.
Sure, it feels great when you succeed. But it’s also devastating when you don’t. And what good is that?
The key mental switch to make is to de-couple cause and effect; specifically, where you are the cause and someone or something else is the effect. For example, you may perform some grand gesture of love for someone in the belief that they will see it and want to be with you. But the cause (the grand gesture) may have no bearing on the effect (them wanting to be with you) if they simply don’t feel that way about you.
Or perhaps you meticulously plan a vacation, researching hotels and places to visit to ensure you have a great time. But you get sick soon after you arrive and spend most of the time in bed. Your cause (the planning) did not lead to the effect you had imagined (a great vacation) because you just can’t control everything like that.
5. Adopting other people’s expectations.
It’s good to question whether your expectations – specifically your high expectations – are in fact your own. Or are you taking the expectations of others or society to be your own because you aren’t thinking independently?
Perhaps you go to a restaurant or watch a movie specifically based upon the recommendations of others or hype in the media. Have you considered whether you like the type of food that restaurant serves or that genre of movie?
Has your tutor convinced you that you’re going to ace the upcoming exam because that’s what they expect you to do? Is that something either of you can guarantee?
Try not to allow yourself to believe something just because external influences believe it too. They can’t predict outcomes any more than you can.
6. Taking people’s actions personally.
The human struggle is real. Life is full of challenges and most people spend a good chunk of their time trying to get through those challenges. And because they are so wrapped up in their own difficulties, they may not have the time or energy to behave how you would like them to.
But by putting yourself in their shoes and trying to understand what they might be going through at any given time, you will be able to take a more realistic view of their potential actions, their behavior around you, and their treatment of you.
They might want to be a good friend or partner or whatever. They may try to live up to your expectations (knowingly or not). But they may fail on both counts because of stuff they are dealing with that takes away their attention and drains their own emotional battery. People can only do so much for others, and it’s good to accept that fact rather than fight against it.
7. Being out of touch with reality.
You can gradually lower your expectations by watching reality unfold and asking how it differs from your expectations. When faced with similar situations again, you can bring your thoughts back to this disparity between past expectations and past reality to bring your current expectations closer in line with your current reality.
Just try to remember that disappointment = expectations – reality.
By lowering your expectations closer to reality, your disappointment will be reduced. And if you can cease to have expectations, this formula no longer has any meaning and disappointment will no longer be something you experience.
8. Ignoring all the things you do have.
Gratitude is so powerful for shifting your mindset. It helps you focus on what you have and the things that you can actually touch. This, in turn, helps you adopt a more positive, accepting perception of the world around you.
For example, no one wants to be cheated on and have their relationship crumble. However, it’s much easier to let go of that anger if you can instead focus on being grateful that you had the opportunity for the experience with them, all that you learned in that relationship, and that this end signals a new beginning.
Unmet expectations always lead to ill feeling, while gratitude is itself a positive feeling. The two can’t exist at the same time.
9. Being too emotionally invested in things.
Every person has a metaphorical emotional battery. That battery is tapped for energy every time your emotions come into play. Positive emotions typically help recharge it. Negative emotions typically deplete it.
Therefore, we want to recharge our battery and conserve our energy to be there for us when we need that power. You don’t want to drain yourself dry by constantly churning through negative emotions.
So what happens when your expectations aren’t met? Do you feel happy? Joyful?
Probably not. You probably feel sad, angry, or disappointed that things did not go how you expected them to go.
You spend valuable emotional energy every time you don’t reach that bar of your expectations. And if your bar is too high, you’re going to spend a lot of time disappointed, angry, sad, or upset. On the other hand, if your bar is low, it’s just another thing that happens. You don’t have to get sad or upset about it. It’s just a problem to deal with, and then you move on to the next thing.
Ask yourself: Do I need to spend emotional energy on this particular thing? How does investing in my emotions help me? Does it help me accomplish my goals or meet my needs?
You can still pursue whatever goals or needs you have without the emotional investment.
Less emotional investment is invaluable for maintaining your peace when dealing with people. The fact of the matter is that people are messy creatures. Many of them just aren’t that good. So it shouldn’t be all that surprising when someone doesn’t do the right thing or makes a bad decision. Unfortunately, bad decisions are really easy to make.
