How To Apologize Properly: 10 Steps To Get The Best Outcome

“Never apologize, never explain.”

A woman with brown hair looks pensively off to the side, her expression serious. A man in the background appears blurred and focused on something else. The scene suggests a moment of contemplation or tension.

This famous quote is credited to many people, from film stars to politicians. For a long time, many influential people may have seen this as a valid and acceptable attitude.

Not any more!

The very concept is so outdated in today’s world and is justly regarded as intolerably arrogant. It’s now better understood and accepted that we’re all imperfect and often fall short of the expectations of ourselves and of others.

Therefore, it’s only natural that heartfelt apologies are needed whenever we have, even unwittingly, trampled on someone else’s feelings.

That goes for our close personal relationships and those in the workplace. It’s just plain common sense to show appropriate humility in today’s world. Sincere apologies are necessary to show genuine remorse for something you’ve done wrong. They also serve as a conduit to repairing a relationship.

But, here’s the thing: apologies are never easy and the potential negative repercussions when they go wrong are massive. And, even if the injured person accepts your apology, it may take a long time before you’re truly forgiven – it’s a process that can’t be hurried.

Sometimes, when an apology doesn’t go to plan, you can end up doing more harm than good. The hole you’ve dug for yourself just keeps on getting deeper, no matter what you do.

So it pays dividends to take a little time to consider how you can say sorry in such a way that the other person believes it and accepts it.

Keep reading to learn some tools to get you through the difficult and painful task of saying sorry with a more positive outcome.

1. Don’t scrimp on preparation.

A person wearing a gray sweater and knitted hat sits pensively at a wooden table in a wooded area, resting their hands on their cheeks and gazing downward. The background is softly blurred with autumn leaves on the ground.

Taking time to think through how you’re going to apologize is always time well spent.

Every experience is subjective in that two people will often see the same situation very differently.

When apologizing, it’s important to acknowledge and accept that the other person’s ‘truth’ is the way they see it, even if you don’t necessarily agree that they’re ‘right.’

Always think of apologies in terms of ‘I’ and never ‘you/your,’ since it’s your actions which are under the microscope and you must accept responsibility for them.

It’s easy to say, “I’m sorry you were upset,” for example.

Yet, this statement actually denies your own responsibility by implying that it was the other person’s problem.

Changing the word ‘you’ to ‘I’ makes a world of difference: “I’m sorry I upset you.”

A small, but oh-so-significant shift.

It’s only natural to want to justify and/or excuse your behavior, but the reality is that doing so can undermine the sincerity of your apology.

The trick is to make sure that you acknowledge the hurt you have done to the other person before you attempt to explain the reasons why you did what you did or said what you said.

Forgiveness is a more likely outcome if you…

1. Acknowledge the damage done.

2. Offer excuses only after you’ve accepted responsibility.

3. Recognize what you should have done and assure them that it won’t happen again.

2. Beware The Word ‘But’

Two women sitting at a table in a café, engaged in conversation. One woman has curly hair and is holding a coffee cup, while the other, with long red hair, gestures with her hand. Natural light streams through the large window next to them.

For a word of only three letters, the conjunction ‘but’ packs quite a punch when it comes to undermining your apology. This small word is what’s known as a verbal eraser.

It shifts the focus from the point of the apology (acknowledging responsibility and expressing remorse) to justifying your behavior.

The likelihood is that people will stop listening when they hear the word ‘but’ and your apology will be null and void.

Rather than saying: I’m sorry, but I was feeling stressed,”

Switch to a much more conciliatory: “I’m sorry I lost my cool. I know that was hurtful and unnecessary. I was stressed and I said things I regret.”

3. Choose The Right Time And Place

A concerned man in a green t-shirt sits on a couch, comforting a woman in a lighter green t-shirt. He gently touches her shoulder as she looks down, sitting next to him in a cozy, sunlit room with plants and a shelf in the background.

Such important and sensitive matters as apologies need to be given due time to work through. If they’re hurried, they’re rarely effective.

It’s important, then, to choose a time when you’re really able to focus on the apology and the person you’re apologizing to.

Any distractions, physical or mental, will diminish its effect exponentially. Finding somewhere quiet, where you can talk comfortably without interruptions, is essential. Privacy is important, too, since you’re likely to be discussing some very sensitive, personal stuff.

4. Avoid The Heat Of The Moment

A woman in pajamas rests her head on a man's back as they sit on a bed. The room is softly lit, with a lamp and a wooden nightstand in the background. Both appear contemplative and relaxed.

Although you may sometimes realize immediately when you’ve done or said something hurtful, it’s usually unwise to attempt an apology in the heat of the moment.

The massive negativity of emotion will make it meaningless and it probably won’t sound very sincere.

Bide your time till things have cooled down. Be aware, though, that waiting too long to apologize can be damaging, too, so it’s a fine balance to strike.

5. Take It On The Chin

A man in a light sweater consoles a woman sitting beside him on a couch. The woman has her head down and appears distressed. He gently touches her shoulder, offering support. A lamp and potted plant are in the background.

Apologizing in person, no matter how difficult that is to do, is always the best approach. It shows courage, as everyone knows how hard it is to do these things face-to-face.

That courage helps to show sincerity rather than hiding behind a keyboard and clicking a mouse or pinging a text.

Face-to-face contact also allows the all-important nonverbal communication – facial expression and body language – to do its part in showing how sincere you are.

Your remorse and vulnerability will clearly come across to the other person.

6. Put It In Writing If You Can’t Deliver It Face-To-Face

A young man looks at his smartphone with a concerned expression, holding his forehead with one hand. He is wearing a light blue shirt and a white watch. Blurred greenery is visible in the background.

There are times when it’s just not possible to apologize in person because of distance or maybe time constraints.

In that case, telephone is a preferable option to the written word, as the tone of your voice will help to communicate the strength of your feelings as much as what you actually say.

If, however, you have a tendency to bumble any attempt at speaking from the heart, then a written apology is a good choice.It might be because you’re nervous or because you struggle to keep a train of thought, but you may be one of those people who finds it hard to express themselves verbally.

If so, writing your apology either on paper or digitally will be less stressful and may even prove more effective as it sets out your whole ‘case’ clearly and logically.

Another benefit of a written apology is that it takes the pressure off the person you’re apologizing to. The wronged person has time and space to decide if s/he is prepared to forgive you

They also have the chance to read and re-read your words, digest the contents, and come to a conclusion in their own time.

7. Express Your Apology Using The 3 Rs

A woman sits next to a man on a couch. She appears concerned, looking at him while he gazes downward with his hands clasped together, seemingly deep in thought. The background is softly lit with white curtains.

Psychotherapist and best-selling author Beverly Engel identifies three separate elements to an effective apology in her book The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships.

She neatly sums these up as the Three Rs: regret, responsibility, and remedy.

If you want your apology to hit the mark and be accepted as sincere and thorough, you need to make sure that it ticks all three boxes.

So, once you’re physically composed, you’re in the right place and it’s the right time, you’re ready to express your regret, accept your responsibility, and suggest how you plan to remedy the situation.

You will have thought this all through in advance as part of your preparation (don’t over-rehearse, or your credibility will rapidly plummet) so delivering your apology calmly and sincerely should be easily achievable.

8. Be Open, Remain Calm, And Listen Carefully

A woman and a man are standing in a modern kitchen, engaged in a serious conversation. The woman is pointing her finger, while the man looks back at her with open palms. Shelves with books, a toaster, and jars are visible in the background.

As you speak, it’s only natural that the person who’s been hurt will want to respond. They may still be upset and they have a right, of course, to express their feelings.

Quite often their response will be to rattle off a pattern of similar past behavior that they believe is connected. Be sure to allow them to finish and pause for thought before you reply.

Consider what they’ve said and do your best to see the scenario from their perspective. Whatever you do, don’t shout or hurl insults, even if you disagree with what you hear or feel it’s unfair.

If things get a little heated, forgiveness and resolution are unlikely, so suggesting a ‘timeout’ might be a good idea to restore calm.

9. Keep Your Body Language As Relaxed As Possible

A man and woman sit at a café table, both looking stressed as they hold their heads with one hand. Two cups of coffee and a smartphone are on the table. The café interior is softly lit and decorated in neutral colors.

Nonverbal communication plays a key role and is just as important as what actually comes out of your mouth.

Try and keep your body language relaxed and open if you can. This will look different for each individual, and we don’t subscribe to set beliefs about how much eye contact is required and what position you need to be in. Just try to be yourself. Take a few deep breaths before you start, and throughout if needed, to help relax and steady any nerves you’re experiencing.

10. Conclude With Gratitude

A woman with long brown hair gazes intently at a man, her face showing a soft smile. The man's face is blurred and turned slightly to the side. They appear to be outdoors, with a soft, warm background.

When your apology has been delivered and accepted, it’s important to express how grateful you are for their presence in your life and the difference that presence makes to you on a daily basis.

Express your heartfelt wish not to damage or jeopardize the relationship in any way.

Finally…

Two men sit on a sofa with beers, engaged in conversation. A bowl of chips is on the coffee table in front of them. One wears a maroon shirt and jeans; the other, a gray shirt, jeans, and a beanie. A phone rests on the table beside them.