Has your partner accused you of cheating?
If your partner has come to the conclusion that you’ve cheated, it may be very difficult to convince them otherwise. If they are openly accusing you of being unfaithful, then they truly believe you have wronged them.
When someone is that upset, there’s not a lot you can do to prove that what they think happened, didn’t. Any evidence you show them, they’ll most likely be able to find a reason to explain it away, even if their theories are irrational.
But when your partner thinks you’ve cheated on them, even if you are innocent, it’s not about proving them wrong, it’s about finding out why they feel that way and what you can do about it.
There must be something about your relationship that has caused your partner to feel the way they do. Whether it’s something you’ve done unconsciously to make them feel insecure, or their own issues that they need to learn to deal with, if you want your relationship to work, you’re going to have to overcome them together.
This isn’t about you versus them and who can prove who wrong. If you want to know what to do if your partner has accused you of cheating, then start by reading some of the suggestions below.
1. Don’t become defensive.
Even though you’re being accused of something you didn’t do, if you become defensive, your partner is automatically going to think that you’re guilty.
It’s not fair to be attacked for something you are innocent of, but if you really want to prove you never cheated, then you need to be the bigger person.
Rather than engaging in the argument with your partner or dismissing them, you’re going to seem much less guilty if you stay calm and show them that you only want to offer them the reassurance that you’re not the person they’re making you out to be.
Avoid getting worked up. Instead, show your partner that you want to offer support and understanding. They will soon see that your actions don’t align with their perceived cheating behavior.
By staying calm, you’re showing them that you aren’t worried about the accusation in the same way someone would be if their secret had just been found out.
2. Don’t ignore your partner.
You might know that your partner is totally wrong with the accusations they’re aiming at you. But telling them that and trying to shut down the argument by ignoring them completely isn’t going to help the problem go away; it’s only going to make it worse.
Even if you find their suggestion so ridiculous you can’t believe they’re even saying it—and you expected better of your partner’s judgment than to think you cheated on them—pointing this out could come across as demeaning or patronizing and make your partner feel as though you’re gaslighting them and hiding the truth.
Refusing to talk to them about how they feel will only keep their theories alive. Not discussing issues doesn’t make them go away, it just allows your partner to decide that you must be guilty because you’re not showing an interest in defending yourself. It also gives them the opportunity to build an even more convincing scenario in their head about what they think you did if you refuse to dispel it.
No one wants to be laughed at or told that they are being overemotional when they’re upset. Rather than running away from the issue, face it head on and encourage your partner to speak to you about how they feel in a rational way.
Shutting down the conversation ceases all communication between you, and you need to be able to communicate and listen to each other in order to move past this difficult patch. Even if you know your partner’s feelings have no substance, they’re still your equal in this relationship and deserve to be listened to rather than ignored.
3. Find out how long your partner has been feeling this way.
Understanding a timeline for your partner’s feelings can help you piece together what may have triggered their insecurities in thinking that you cheated on them in the first place.
It’s helpful to know whether your partner’s worries about you cheating are something new or something they have been thinking for some time. This helps you know how big of an issue it is.
You might have met a new friend and they’re jealous of you spending so much time with them, or you’ve been at work later and more often, meaning that you’ve spent less time together recently.
It could be that you realize you haven’t been as communicative or affectionate with them for a while and this has resulted in them thinking that you’re playing away.
If your partner can help you understand when their insecurities started, you can see if any changes in your habits could have contributed to how they feel. This will help you decide how to better reassure your partner
If they’ve been worrying about you cheating for a while and you can’t seem to piece how they’re feeling with any recent changes in your lifestyle, then you know that there are some fundamental changes that need to be made to your relationship to help them trust you again.
You know that whatever you’re doing now isn’t giving your partner the reassurance that they need to feel comfortable, secure, and loved by you, so much so that they’re assuming you must be seeing someone else.
Whether it’s been a long-term problem or has escalated as a result of a recent change, if you need to prove to your partner that you haven’t been cheating, it’s best to find out as much information as possible from them on how long and why they’ve been feeling this way. Then you can better understand the full extent of what you’re up against.
4. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings.
Even if you’re offended or think that what your partner is accusing you of is far-fetched, you need to acknowledge the way they are feeling.
You may not agree with how they feel or what they think you’ve done, but the fact is, they do feel this way and are upset because of it.
Acknowledging how your partner is feeling, even when you don’t agree with them, shows that their happiness is still your priority. Dismissing them, laughing at them, or even shouting at them for the way they feel—just because you think they’re wrong—is only going to make them feel worse and widen the distance that is already growing in your relationship.
Don’t act as if the way you feel is superior just because you know that you’re right about being faithful. Your partner needs to know you’re taking them seriously. After all, they may have trust issues after being cheated on by an ex of theirs, which may help explain their behavior, though it doesn’t justify it.
Prove to them that you are a partner who listens and is there for them in their worst moments. Let them have their voice and encourage them to share how they feel, even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying. Everyone is entitled to their emotions, and showing that you care about theirs is the first step toward fixing the rift between you.
5. Don’t be drawn into an argument.
There’s never a winner of an argument, only two very upset losers.
If a situation is already tense, then an argument is just going to make it worse.
You might feel the need to defend yourself to your partner and get carried away if they keep accusing you of something you know you didn’t do, but yelling and getting angry isn’t going to fix anything.
Equally, your partner might be so upset with you that the only way they can express what they’re feeling is by goading you into a fight. By tempting you to shout at them, they have the space to let all their anger out too, not realizing that this will make it much harder for you both to move on.
Turning the situation into an argument with your partner just adds another layer of complication to the difficulties you’re already dealing with in your relationship. Not only do you have to try and address the problem of your partner thinking you’re cheating on them, but you also have to try and resolve the argument that has resulted from it.
If you can feel yourself getting stressed or your partner pulling you into an argument about this, then take time and get some space. Remove yourself from the conversation and let your partner know that you’re ready to talk when both of you are calm enough to listen.
Remind your partner that you don’t want to upset them, and reassure them that you’re not running away from the situation; you’re just waiting for a time when you are both able to discuss it without making it worse. Try your hardest to avoid an argument whenever you can, even if you have to be the bigger person this time around.
6. Don’t try to discuss anything when you’re too emotional.
When you’re both emotional, the conversation isn’t going to go in a positive direction. If you are being wrongly accused of cheating, you are likely feeling frustrated and upset.
When we’re emotional, we can end up saying things we don’t mean, which, in a heated argument, can make it much harder to resolve. If you or your partner are particularly upset, and it only looks like it could get worse, suggest taking some time out until you’ve both calmed down. Then you can come back and talk about the issue in a better frame of mind.
At the height of emotion, you can’t process what you or anyone else wants to say. It’s easy to become overly defensive or insulting when you’re feeling hurt, which would only make you seem more guilty in the eyes of your partner.
If one or both of you is too emotional to be able to respond to the other rationally about the issues you’re facing, then you need to try to diffuse the situation. You could try taking some time apart and meeting later, or even taking a walk together somewhere new to see if a change in environment can help affect your moods.
Whatever it is you choose, it’s best to wait for a time when the both of you can fully articulate how you feel and have a real conversation so you have the best chance of proving to your partner you’re innocent.
7. Don’t give them an ultimatum.
Trying to end an argument with an ultimatum stops any chance of progress or understanding. It cuts off the opportunity for discussion and gives you and your partner nowhere to go.
If you’ve been accused by your partner of cheating when you haven’t, you might think that you can prove you are innocent by showing them how much you’d be willing to lose if you’re wrong or if they can’t let the subject go. But by doing this, you’re not taking into account how your partner feels.
Not only could the ultimatum backfire with your partner leaving you, but you’re not encouraging either of you to open up and work through the problem together, instead you’re challenging your partner to believe you without question or risk your relationship.
You’re both already going to be in an emotional state if one of you is accusing the other of cheating, and you can’t make rational decisions when your mind is clouded by emotion.
Don’t expect your partner to think logically when they’re upset, and definitely don’t ask them to make any final decisions that could bring about the end of your relationship.
Your partner needs reassurance, not dramatic gestures and to be put on the spot. This can lead to potential relationship-ending decisions.
The best way to prove you’re innocent isn’t to show how much you’re willing to lose, it’s to show how badly you want to save the relationship. Don’t bet everything on the chance you might leave—show your partner how much you want to stay.
8. Decide on actionable changes to make your partner feel secure.
It’s almost impossible to prove that you haven’t cheated on your partner if they’ve made up their mind that you have. If they feel strongly that you have been unfaithful, whatever evidence you show them that you haven’t is unlikely to convince them otherwise, because they’ll find a reason to question it.
Rather than focusing on trying to prove that you haven’t been cheating in the past, focus your energies on what your partner needs from you now to show that you are fully committed to a future together.
Their insecurity about you cheating is really just a reaction to them not feeling as though you’re committed to them or want to be in a relationship. Address this, show them that their fears are unfounded, and help them to feel secure again in knowing that you haven’t cheated on them.
Decide on some actionable changes that you can put in place to physically show that you want to be with your partner. In doing so, you can help prove that you are in this relationship 100%.
Whether it’s a date night once a week or a quick text when you’re out with your friends, gestures like these show that you are listening and taking your partner’s feelings seriously.
You’re working together to prove that you’re committed to this relationship in an unequivocal way by showing that you are willing to do exactly what your partner has said they need from you.
If you’re being accused of cheating, then fighting fire with fire isn’t going to work. The only way to move on is to take the wind out of the accusation. Be the partner they want and show them, without doubt, that you are here and want to be with them.
9. Approach the issue as a team.
You might be receiving all the blame, but it doesn’t have to mean you should take it. There may not be an easy way to prove to your partner that you never cheated, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept that the situation is totally your fault or your responsibility to fix.
There are always two sides to every story. Maybe your behavior hasn’t supported your partner in the way they need to feel secure in the first place, which has ultimately led to the situation you’re both in now. But your partner likely has insecurities that they must address so they can learn to fully trust you. Perhaps they live in constant fear of being cheated on and this makes them act irrationally.
Rather than taking all the blame and rectifying the situation on your own, position it to your partner as an issue in your relationship for you both to work on together.
This way, you’re not avoiding any responsibility or running away from the argument; you’re acknowledging your part, without accepting the full blame for it. You know that you didn’t cheat, so make it clear that because of that, this is a misunderstanding for both you and your partner to overcome.
Your partner needs to work on their insecurities just as much as you need to work on your faults. Tackle it as a team and you will not only learn to understand each other better, but you can prove that both of you are committed to making this relationship stronger.
10. Suggest couples counseling.
If you know that you haven’t cheated, but your partner doesn’t believe you, you may not be equipped to handle the situation on your own.
If you want to save your relationship, then it may be best to seek out the help of a professional who can guide both you and your partner with a better method of communicating.
Seeing a couples counselor together could be the best option for you. If you can’t seem to reassure your partner that you haven’t been cheating, then speaking to a professional who is trained to help couples navigate difficult situations may help you to identify the underlying issues in your relationship.
Suggesting you go to therapy together shows your commitment to wanting to better your relationship. This gives your partner the security they need by showing them you’re willing to do anything to make your relationship work.
It’s a chance for you to both be honest with each other and to be guided by someone who can stop you from descending into an argument. Instead, a counselor can show you how to communicate your feelings more efficiently and with honesty.
11. Put your happiness first.
At first, you might be willing to do everything you can to try to save your relationship from falling apart. But you need to be careful not to lose yourself in the process.
A relationship should be based on equality, and both of you should enrich each other’s lives by being together. It’s not fair for one partner to dictate how the other should behave just because they’re insecure.
You should be with someone who brings out the best in you; don’t just live for the good days in between all the bad.
If your partner can’t get over their own fear of you leaving them and finding someone else, then you should question whether they’re really the right person for you. You shouldn’t find yourself changing significantly to match your partner’s idea of the perfect partner when they aren’t willing to work on themselves too.
If you feel like more and more of you is getting lost under the weight of your partner’s expectations, then you need to think about how much value you’re placing on their happiness compared to your own.
There’s no shame in admitting that your relationship isn’t working anymore. It’s better to be alone than unhappy all the time.
Finally…
Even if you never cheated, “proving” to your partner that you didn’t isn’t the answer to fixing the problem you’re faced with.
If your partner believes that you have been unfaithful, then there must be a lack of support or understanding in your relationship. This belief has affected them so deeply that they have convinced themselves that you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
That’s the real issue here. It might not feel fair, but relationships are about being a team, not proving each other right or wrong. What you need to concentrate on is rebuilding the trust that’s been weakened between you to help your partner come to realize they’ve got nothing to worry about.
Decide whether this is a relationship you want to fight for or not. Being accused of something you didn’t do can be damaging to your self-confidence too. If the trust has badly deteriorated, then perhaps it’s time to evaluate if this is still the right relationship for you and if it really makes the two of you happy.
Whatever you decide, don’t go about gathering proof that you are the person you say you are. Take a closer look at the cracks that need fixing in your relationship to make sure you come out of this stronger, so you never have to deal with this uncomfortable situation again.
