If your partner does any of these 14 things, they're using deflection to avoid taking responsibility

Does you partner do any of these things?

A woman with long blonde hair gazes softly at a person holding a wine glass on the beach. The ocean is visible in the background, and both are sitting closely, creating an intimate and serene atmosphere.

Do you feel that your partner always manages to find a way to get out of serious discussions? Maybe they refuse to take any responsibility, or when you bring up something upsetting they’ve done, you end up feeling like the “bad guy” who needs to make amends. If so, they could be using deflection to avoid accountability for their actions. Let’s explore 14 signs of deflection in a relationship.

1. Changing the subject.

A man sits on a couch with his head in his hands, looking distressed. A woman sits beside him, gently touching his shoulder, offering support. Both are wearing casual gray shirts and jeans.

This is one of the most common means of deflection and is likely one that you’ve come across fairly often. Quite simply, if you’re talking about something that they don’t want to address, they’ll change the subject to something different. Some people will change it to something that’s more pleasant for them to talk about, while others will bring up a subject that’s sad or distressing instead.

Narcissists and those with cluster-B disorders often use the latter, because it’s an effective means of emotionally affecting the person who’s talking about something they don’t want to hear. A perfect example of this is changing the subject to one that’s upsetting them, so you’re forced to try to comfort them (and by extension, stop talking about anything that may cause them further harm).

2. Distracting with humor.

A man and woman sit at an outdoor café table. The man, holding a red coffee cup, looks away thoughtfully. The woman, with her back to the camera, gestures with her hands as if explaining something. Greenery surrounds the patio.

If your partner is the type who will make a joke about serious things rather than deal with them, then you know firsthand how frustrating this can be. It’s especially awful if you’re trying to discuss something that you feel is important, and they say something ridiculous to try to make you laugh, or even go so far as to try to tickle you to “lighten the mood”, or similar.

Regardless of the type of humor they use, the effect is both frustrating and unhealthy. They show that they can’t be relied upon in a crisis, nor will they take you seriously when major issues occur. They’ll simply make jokes or silly faces and run away so they don’t have to deal with anything that may cause them upset or discomfort.

3. Downplaying the seriousness of the situation.

An elderly couple sits at a dining table enjoying breakfast. They are having a conversation, with bowls, a bottle of milk, and cereal on the table. Shelves with books and decor are visible in the background.

A partner who downplays the seriousness of an issue uses “it’s not a big deal” as a mantra. To them, nothing in the world is important unless they deem it so, and they’ll act like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill any time you get upset or angry about something they consider insignificant.

This is hugely invalidating and can make an already bad situation several times worse. You may be trying to sort out a major life issue that could potentially cause you and your family a great amount of distress, and they’re cracking jokes and implying you’re overreacting and being ridiculous.

4. Emotionally overreacting.

A woman in a green dress speaks intensely to a man seated nearby in a dimly lit room with sheer curtains. The man appears thoughtful, resting his chin on his hand, looking away from her.

Although this behavior is more common in female partners, it can also manifest in others who tend to be overly emotional. Essentially, what happens is that their emotional reactions to confrontation or discomfort are massively disproportionate to the situation at hand.

For example, if your partner has broken something of yours and you ask them to please be more diligent and respectful towards your things in the future, they may break down and start sobbing hysterically, berating themselves for being horrible and begging for your forgiveness. Alternatively, they may get incredibly angry and start yelling or breaking even more things. What they’re doing here is attempting to distract and derail you from your stance by being so emotionally unhinged that you drop the subject and move on from it.

5. Playing the victim.

A man and woman lie on a bed, the man looking thoughtfully into the distance while resting his head on his arms. The woman, sitting behind him, holds a smartphone and gazes at him with concern. They are in a softly lit room with a window.

A partner who plays the victim when you confront them with something uncomfortable may turn things around and imply that they’re the one who’s been wronged. They do this to make you the “bad” one, thus absolving them of wrongdoing.

As an example, let’s say that you mention that you’d appreciate it if your partner wouldn’t leave dirty dishes around the sink as you have a small kitchen and things pile up very quickly. They may act extremely hurt and say that since they’re the one who always does all the dishes, they were leaving a few there to see if you would step up and do your fair share for once.

This is likely completely untrue: you may very well do 90% of the housework, but in their mind, they’re unappreciated. Their aim is to get sympathy from you and have you back down from your stance so they can be back in control.

6. Blame shifting.

A man and woman stand outside in a park setting. The woman, wearing a green shirt, appears surprised or upset, pointing at the man. The man, in a blue checkered shirt, has his hands open in a questioning gesture. Trees and plants are in the background.

Blame shifting is a difficult one to contend with because someone who uses it consistently manages to turn things around so it’s your fault. Any reaction of theirs is somehow a natural resolution to something you’ve done wrong.

For example, let’s say that you get upset with your partner for forgetting to pay a bill on time. They may turn it around and say that if you didn’t keep breaking their concentration by talking non-stop about idiotic subjects, they would have remembered to do so. Similarly, if you get upset because they spoke to you in a disrespectful or abusive manner, they may claim that they only did so because you triggered them with a particular behavior.

7. Defensiveness.

A man and a woman are engaged in conversation on a city street. The man wears a white shirt and has a backpack, while the woman has a braided hairstyle and is gesturing with her hands, wearing a light jacket. The background is slightly blurred.

People can exhibit defensive behavior in several different ways, depending on their personality. For example, someone who gets small and apologetic during arguments may try to over-explain and pacify so you stop being angry at them. Alternatively, someone who’s more aggressive with their defensiveness may try to read too much into everything you say or do, asking what you mean by X word or tone, and trying to put you in a defensive position instead. Alternatively, they may respond to your expressed upset by telling you that you do the same thing to them, but refuse to give specific examples.

In terms of body language, you may see them pull away from you and stand with their arms crossed over their chest. They may turn their body away so they aren’t facing you, and refuse to make eye contact, and their verbal responses may be very clipped. Ultimately, they behave as though they’re fending off an aggressive attacker rather than having a discussion or interaction with their beloved partner.

8. Projecting.

A woman and a man are standing indoors, engaged in a heated discussion. They are facing each other with expressive gestures. The room is softly lit, with a framed picture and a plant in the background.

On the most fundamental level, projection involves placing blame on someone else instead of acknowledging personal wrongdoing. It often happens as a means of disassociation, in which a person can’t deal with the fact that they’re behaving in a particular manner, thus they accuse someone else of their own behavior so they can punish them by proxy.

This may take the form of your partner accusing you of bullying them when in fact they’re the one behaving in a bullying manner. Or implying that you “never” do the dishes, laundry, etc. when they haven’t lifted a finger to do either in months.

Essentially, they’re disassociating from their poor behavior—which likely makes them feel guilt, shame, or another unwanted emotion—and pinning it on you. This way, you can be the whipping post for their issues without them feeling bad about themselves.

9. Selective memory.

A woman with glasses and a thoughtful expression is sitting on a couch, holding a white teacup. She is indoors in a cozy, well-lit living room with soft furnishings and a lamp in the background.

You may bring up a topic that happened in the recent past only to have them look at you completely blankly, stating that they have absolutely no memory of what you’re talking about. Alternatively, they may remember some details about what occurred, but not the whole picture. This often happens in situations where they’ll clearly remember what you said to them in the heat of an argument, but conveniently forget the hurtful things they said to you in turn.

This can be one of the most frustrating types of deflection to deal with, because there’s no way to prove they’re lying about it. Furthermore, unless this exchange happened via text (or was recorded), you have no way to prove that what occurred—or what was said—actually happened.

Selective memory deflection often goes hand in hand with…

10. Gaslighting.

A woman sits on a beachside promenade, looking down thoughtfully. She has sunglasses on her head and wears a green dress. The beach and sea are in the background. A man in a striped shirt is in the foreground, facing her.

In a gaslighting situation, the other person behaves in a manner that implies that you’re somehow wrong or crazy for thinking that things happened a certain way. They’ll deny having any memory of what you claim occurred, and if you insist that you remember things a particular way, they’ll suggest that your memory is wrong, or that you may even be mentally ill.

Essentially, the other person is doing all they can to make you doubt both your memory and reality by implying there’s something wrong with you, rather than acknowledging their wrongdoing.

Common phrases and questions used towards you may include (but are not limited to):

– Do you honestly think I’m capable of saying or doing something like that?

– You’re crazy if you think that’s actually true.

– Are you feeling okay? I’m concerned about you.

– Are you sure you didn’t dream of that happening?

– Where did you get that idea?

– I don’t remember that happening at all.

– I think you need to calm down.

11. Denying reality.

A man with a beard and a woman wearing glasses and a hat sit at a table in a cozy cafe, each holding a cup of coffee. They are engaged in a lively conversation, surrounded by warm lighting and a blurred background.

One method of deflection that some people may use (often in very stressful situations) is to completely deny reality. They can’t handle what’s actually going on, either mentally or emotionally, and as such they decide to deny that it’s happening at all.

Although this isn’t gaslighting per se, you may feel “gaslit” by their responses. This is especially true if there’s something major unfolding and the two of you had worked towards a resolution together, only now they seem to be existing in a universe of their own.

Speaking from personal experience here, I had a partner who wholeheartedly denied that he had said something absolutely horrible to me because, in his words: “that must have been an alternate reality version of me who stepped in and said that, because I would NEVER be so hurtful towards you”.

For some people, dealing with reality is so painful for them that all they can do to cope with it is to fold up that part of their psyche, toss it away, and pretend it never existed.

12. Giving you the silent treatment.

A woman in a yellow sweater sits with her hand on her forehead, looking upset. A man in a gray t-shirt sits beside her, turned away. They are in a cozy room with shelves and a basket in the background.

For some people, the method they use to deal with relationship issues is to not deal with them at all. This is where the silent treatment comes into effect. It’s a form of deflection since they’re literally refusing to discuss or address the subject at hand, while also punishing you for behavior they don’t want to deal with.

Your partner may behave as though you don’t exist for a while: they won’t speak to you, won’t answer you if you ask them a question, won’t make eye contact, and will simply step around you if you meet up in a hallway. They’ll only cook for themselves, only wash their own dishes, etc. until they deign to acknowledge your existence. At that point, it’ll be on their terms alone. If you bring up the topic that they don’t want to discuss, the silent treatment will begin anew and last longer until you’ve “learned” not to bring it up again.

If you keep trying to discuss things, they may pick up and leave to go stay with a friend or family member until you drop the subject. And if you don’t, their avoidance may end up being permanent.

13. Resolution avoidance.

A woman is sitting on a couch, leaning towards a man who appears to be explaining or discussing something with hand gestures. They are indoors, with a window and bookshelf in the background. The mood seems engaged and conversational.

In the same way that silent treatment is an avoidant behavior, resolution avoidance is one in which they refuse to talk about the subject in order to resolve it. They may not be silent towards you anymore, but that topic seems to be verboten. If you bring up the subject again, they’ll wave you off and tell you to just forget about it and move on.

While this may work sometimes, such as if you had a minor argument and they want to turn the page, it’s less than ideal if it’s a recurrent issue that needs to be addressed. For example, if you keep trying to express to them that you’re overwhelmed with child or elder care and they don’t want to deal with it, they might insist that they’ll talk to you about it on the weekend, and then be magically unavailable or nowhere to be found. They’ll keep postponing or derailing the issue and expect it to resolve itself, or go away and stop bothering them.

14. Attacks or abuse.

A woman with her hands on her temples appears frustrated while a man behind her raises his hand and seems angry. Both are indoors in a room with white walls and minimal furniture.

Depending on the person, attacks and abuse may take different forms. They may be verbal or physical and can fall within any range of a rather wide spectrum.

For example, if you’re trying to hold your partner accountable for poor behavior, they may start attacking you personally as a means of shifting the focus of the discussion back onto you. They might tell you that you sound just like the parent you hate or criticize some aspect of your appearance in an attempt to shut you up.

Others may be more physical in their responses. Although some may be physically aggressive towards their partners, such as grabbing their wrists or upper arms, or slapping them to stop them from speaking, others may turn their aggression towards physical objects. For example, they may punch a door or wall, or throw and break items. When this happens, the discussion is inevitably dropped because of their outburst.