You can disagree without having an argument.
Building and maintaining a healthy relationship can be challenging. No matter how much you care about your partner, there will be times when disagreements happen, they’re getting under your skin, or you might not have the most patience.
And in those times, it’s easy for a small disagreement to turn into a fully-fledged fight if you let it. And a lot of us do let it.
But there are some couples who seem to have mastered the art of disagreeing without it turning into a heated argument. Just how on earth do they do that?
1. They avoid escalation by respectfully disagreeing.
A fight doesn’t usually come out of nowhere for absolutely no reason. Many arguments will start because some issue sparked the discussion that is now escalating into a fight.
But there are different ways to avoid throwing fuel on the fire which couples who live more harmoniously adopt.
They try to avoid accusatory language unless necessary, such as saying things like, “You always do this! What’s wrong with you?”
They avoid personal attacks and name-calling, like, “That is such a stupid thing to say. Idiot.”
They don’t fire off these kinds of words, and they don’t allow their partner to speak to them with disrespect either. Anger is okay. Rage is not.
Respectful disagreement sounds more like, “I see things very differently to you,” or, “I get that your preference is for X, but that’s not something I can get on board with. How about we try Y instead?”
If there is something to criticize, they do it constructively by asking if their partner might do something differently in the future, rather than just saying how much they dislike something they do. But they are always willing to hear their partner out if they offer reasons why the criticism being given is unnecessary.
When it comes to expressing opinions, these couples remember that they are just that: opinions. There is not always a right and wrong and different opinions can both be valid in their own ways. Couples who successfully avoid heated arguments don’t interpret their partner’s differing opinion as an attack on their own.
2. They address problems as soon as they arise.
Couples who disagree respectfully don’t let problems fester after they are made aware of them. They know that to do this only builds resentment and provides the fuel that can combust into a major argument.
These couples understand that even if one of them doesn’t think the issue at hand is a big deal, it clearly matters to their partner, and so to leave it unaddressed will only allow it to grow into something larger and more difficult to manage later on.
After all, a problem left unresolved becomes a festering wound of, “They don’t think my feelings matter.”
A typical example is splitting of the household chores. Many couples struggle with finding the right balance so someone doesn’t feel like they are doing all or a majority of the work. That’s an issue that can quickly destroy a relationship if it goes on for too long.
3. They adopt a regular relationship check-in.
Communication is an essential part of making any relationship work. But life is busy. There are so many things that need to be done, and you may not have enough hours in the day. That’s why couples who avoid major blow outs schedule regular check-ins to help keep their relationship healthy and moving forward.
They pick a time every now and then to discuss how things have been going and discuss what they want to see out of the coming weeks or months. They take the time to air out any grievances or problems that may have fallen by the wayside while living their lives.
This intentional act of understanding and communication brings them closer together and stops issues from going unaddressed.
4. They do not address disagreements via text or instant messenger.
It can be tempting to bring up the things that really bother you and try to discuss them while messaging, but couples who communicate without arguing avoid this wherever possible. They try to have all of these discussions face-to-face. Phone and video calls can be okay, but messaging is terrible because it limits your communication.
We communicate in several ways when talking. There’s our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice that all help accurately convey our emotions to the person we’re talking to. You lose all of that when you are communicating by messenger.
Not only that, but it takes so much more time to get through the discussion! A ten-minute phone call can easily equal two hours of texting.
You have to sit and stew in all of those negative emotions for the two hours you’re talking about it, assuming the best-case scenario where everything is clearly communicated. If it’s not, then you get to deal with whatever was miscommunicated thanks to missing important context.
That can ruin your whole day instead of just having a quick conversation and getting it over with.
Never argue via text. It’s as simple as that.
5. They don’t compete with their partner in discussion.
It’s an easy trap to fall into. One partner accuses the other of doing a thing, which may or may not be a valid complaint, the other partner gets angry and fires back with their own accusation.
And where does it go from there? Nowhere good.
Once they’ve crossed that threshold, it’s just anger and finger-pointing driving the conversation, which isn’t likely to lead anywhere useful.
Couples who avoid this pointless cycle redirect this energy by acknowledging the complaint. They say something like, “Alright. What about this thing bothers you?” And as a result, they have an actual discussion about the problem.
Encouraging discussion and rationalizing it out by communicating allows the disgruntled partner to air their legitimate grievance or realize that they might be wrong. And that doesn’t mean the other partner has to accept blame, particularly if they disagree with their partner’s assessment. But it does give them an open channel of communication and allow them to hopefully have a productive conversation.
6. They keep the volume low.
Emotions run hot, a passionate conversation starts boiling over, next thing you know, you find yourself yelling. But you don’t want to yell. Yelling immediately puts people on the defensive and may even be toeing the line into abusiveness.
To avoid raised voices, couples who disagree diplomatically sit down with each other, hold hands to have a physical connection with each other, and discuss the problem with intentionally quiet voices.
Using an intentionally quiet voice forces the person to be mindful and grounded in the moment, paying attention to their tone to maintain the low volume.
When you use an intentionally quiet voice it’s much harder to lose control, particularly if you’re a person who grew up in a family where loud was the default setting.
7. They always remember it’s them against the world.
Couples who avoid turning their relationships into a battleground replace a competitive mindset with one of cooperation. It’s not them versus their partner; it’s the two of them versus the world.
They always remember it’s the two of them against a problem that needs to be solved for the relationship’s health and their individual happiness.
It’s so much easier to avoid arguments and anger altogether when you adopt a problem-solving approach.
It’s not something to get angry about; it’s just a problem that needs a solution. Couples who take this approach find the solution together because they care about their partner and want the relationship to be happy and healthy.
There’s not much reason to argue when you’re both on the same side, working toward the same goal. After all, you’re partners, and as such, why wouldn’t you both want what’s best for the relationship’s health?
8. They don’t avoid arguing all together.
Some people will boast about never having an argument in their relationship. That seems unlikely until you consider how some people view arguing. A disagreement isn’t an argument. One partner may express their unhappiness with something in the relationship. The partners discuss the problem, come to some resolution, and then move on.
Though that is not necessarily an argument, it’s still addressing a process that these words represent. There’s a problem, a conflict, and a resolution.
An argument isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Tension can build, and emotions can run high. No human being is going to have absolutely perfect control over their temper all of the time. It’s just not a reasonable expectation.
What matters most is respect. You can passionately argue, debate, and conflict with other people and still maintain the respect that acknowledges how much you value the other person.
Arguing and fighting aren’t dirty words that absolutely must be totally avoided, or else the relationship isn’t healthy.
