9 things that stand in the way of your husband listening to you.
Communication is a two-way street. But you feel like what you’re saying never gets heard, or perhaps it’s heard but doesn’t get taken seriously, or gets misinterpreted. None of which are a recipe for a happy, healthy relationship.
You may think it’s all his fault, but have you ever considered your role in the situation? If you’re doing any of the following 9 things, you could be contributing to the problem more than you realize.
1. Talking to him when it’s not a good time.
Rather than just bringing things up out of the blue, ask your partner if it’s a good time for the two of you to talk. That way they know that they need to give you their full attention.
If it’s not a good time, be patient and leave it for later, scheduling a time that’s good and sticking to it.
When you do come to talk, pay attention to your surroundings. Is the TV on? Are they on their phone? Eating? Hungry? Tired? Are there other people around?
Distractions will detract from the conversation you’re about to have, so you need to minimize them, and if it’s not a good time, be patient.
2. Being vague, saying too much, or getting off-topic.
When you do sit down for a talk, don’t beat around the bush. If they struggle to listen, then you need to communicate what you have to say well.
Be concise and focus on the most important things rather than getting distracted and going off-topic.
If it helps, jot down a few bullet points before you have the conversation and address each one in turn with as few words as possible.
But don’t forget to pause now and then – possibly between points – to give them a chance to speak. This has to be a two-way conversation if it is to achieve what you want it to achieve.
3. Using “You” statements that immediately put him on the defensive.
If you want to be heard by your partner, it’s important to express you views or concerns in a way that focuses on you rather than them.
If they are doing something that upsets you, it is tempting to focus on everything they are doing wrong. Instead, try to keep reiterating what it is you would like them to do.
Rather than, “You never show me any affection,” be clear what sort of affection you’d like them to show: “I’d like it if we held hands when walking together.”
The former doesn’t really help them adjust their behavior, leaving you feeling unheard. But the latter is crystal clear and something they can more easily take on board.
When it comes to joint decisions, “I” statements can avoid any confusion.
If you are discussing dinner plans for your anniversary, for example, saying “How about that little Italian place?” gives the impression that you’re unsure and that they might have a better suggestion.
Instead, be clear and say, “I think we should go to the Italian place on the corner, it’s my favorite.”
This makes your wishes clear and your partner more likely to listen to you.
The power of “I” statements according to Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver, is that “When you’re doing ‘I statements’ you’re being careful to acknowledge the fact that the other person could see things differently.”
4. Not paying attention or listening to him because you’re too focused on getting your point across.
Do you get angry or resentful or defensive when you speak to your partner? That’s all going to impact your ability to listen, and will mean you struggle to remember what gets said.
So if you want to be more heard, you need to be focused on listening to your partner, not just on getting your point across or on what’s going on inside your head.
Pay attention to their posture and body language and notice how they’re reacting to what you’re saying. Notice what they say and what they don’t say.
Try to be totally present and stay calm so you can communicate effectively.
5. Allowing misinterpretations to go unchecked.
Often when we think our partner hasn’t listened, it’s actually that they did listen, but they just interpreted the conversation differently to how we intended. Communication is complex, and nuanced and often a lot of what is being said is implied. As a result, it’s easy for misunderstandings to happen unless we’ve been explicitly clear.
A good tactic for making sure you’ve been heard and understood accurately is to ask them to tell you how they’ve interpreted what you’ve said to them when you’re having an important talk. That way you’ve guaranteed that they’ve listened to you and understood you and that you’re both on the same page about what’s been discussed.
6. Letting conversations turn into a power struggle.
If you notice that your partner is resistant to what you’re saying then your conversation is futile as it just turns into a power struggle.
The signs of this include arguing, dismissing, defensiveness, interrupting, denying, blaming, minimizing, not answering you, not paying attention, or trying to sidetrack the situation.
When you notice these signs, summon your patience and don’t rise to them. Always bring the conversation back to the point and don’t let them rile you.
7. Neglecting to reinforce positive listening behaviors.
When your partner does listen attentively and responds thoughtfully, it’s crucial to acknowledge and appreciate their effort. Positive reinforcement can encourage them to continue this behavior in future conversations.
Take a moment to express your gratitude when they’ve been particularly attentive or responsive to your concerns.
You might say something like, “I really appreciate how you listened to me just now. It makes me feel valued and understood.” This not only validates their efforts but also creates a positive association with active listening.
Remember, change takes time, and consistently recognizing improvements, no matter how small, can lead to significant long-term changes in your communication dynamics.
8. Overlooking non-verbal cues in your own communication.
While focusing on what you’re saying, it’s easy to forget about how you’re saying it. Your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions all play a crucial role in how your message is received and interpreted by your partner.
Are you inadvertently sending mixed signals? For instance, saying you’re fine while your arms are crossed and your voice is tense might confuse your partner and make them less likely to take your words at face value.
Try to make your non-verbal cues align with your verbal message to enhance clarity and prevent misunderstandings.
Practice being aware of your body language and tone during conversations. If you’re discussing something important, take a deep breath and consciously relax your posture to show that you’re open and receptive to dialogue.
9. Letting him get away with it for the sake of harmony.
If you really want to have your voice heard and your opinion listened to when it comes to making important decisions, you have to stand firm and make sure that they take what you say into consideration.
You might still have to find a middle ground because that’s often a fair way to do things.
But don’t allow them to sway you to their way of thinking by using guilt trips or sheer stubbornness. You might think that harmony is better than being heard, but it’s not. Sometimes a little conflict is necessary to ensure a more balanced relationship.
The only small caveat here is if you believe that speaking up would put you at risk of verbal or physical abuse. In such a case, it’s better to quietly seek the help of a professional to get out of that situation and relationship for good.
