If someone has crossed the line from helpful to people-pleaser, they'll show these 11 warning signs

It’s a fine line to tread.

There’s one in all our lives: the one who’s always dependable, who never gets angry, is so easy to talk to, and won’t mind this, that, or the other no matter how inconvenient.

The People Pleaser.

It’s good to want to be helpful. We teach that to our kids the moment their motor skills become halfway decent. It’s good to be patient, generous, compassionate, and selfless. These are hallmarks of civilization.

It is not good, however, to be all these things when their expressions aren’t entirely genuine.

That is the people pleaser’s life.

They take the “helpful” role to an excessive degree. There’s a definite pleasurable psychological hit to being thought of as someone’s go-to, but when a need to be liked, popular, diplomatic, or seen as helpful oversteps the ability to assert one’s own needs, drawbacks emerge. Here are 11 red flags to look out for.

1. They’ve got no identity of their own.

People pleasers are never pleased with themselves because they never get to be themselves. They become expert at mirroring others and suppressing anything that might be taken as contrary to a given situation. If there’s a chance that someone might take offense, a pleaser’s true opinions are likely never to be known.

2. They start to feel bitter and resentful.

Two people are sitting and talking at a table. One person, with long hair tied back, is wearing a light purple shirt and holding a cup. The other has short hair and is in a blue shirt. Shelves with books are in the background.

The more people a pleaser tries to please, the less time they have for their own pursuits, which can leave them feeling bitter. Also, if they don’t think they’re getting the level of thanks or praise they deserve, there’s the danger of them quietly resenting the people they’re hoping to please, even though they’ll continue trying to please them.

3. They experience mental and physical fatigue.

A man in a shirt and tie sits at a desk late at night, looking tired. He rests his head on his hand, with a dim desk lamp lighting the area. An open laptop, a cup of coffee, and some documents are on the desk. A bookshelf is visible in the background.

A lot of mental energy goes into a people pleaser working to say what they think others want to hear or do what they think others want done; energy which could go toward fueling their own magnificent personal journey. Instead, they will often retreat into a shell of limited experience/exploration in order to recharge for the next day.

4. People only want to know them when they need something.

Being a people pleaser means risking being eventually seen as insincere or annoying, and once that happens, no one wants you around. Others can usually spot a people pleaser a mile away and will find several discrete ways to exclude them unless the pleaser happens to be needed at that moment.

5. Their “friends” are mostly fake or manipulative.

Two men having a conversation in an office. One is seated, wearing glasses, a blue blazer, and holding a smartphone. The other is standing, wearing a white turtleneck and resting his arm on the back of the chair, looking at the seated man.

Anyone trying to please people all the time had better get used to being used. Those people will be the ones always called on to help with a move, watch the dogs while others are away on vacation, roll out of bed at one in the morning to give a ride home to a friend who’s partied too much, then roll out a few hours later to drive them back to their car… and on and on.

People pleasers will not, however, be the ones invited bowling, jogging, swimming, to Sunday brunch, that cool movie everyone’s talking about, or any number of things that people who actually desire another’s presence do.

Not all of their friends will be fake, but they’ll definitely develop a cluster of manipulative people who appear as if gravitationally attracted.

6. They get jealous when other people outdo their efforts.

Two men are seated at a desk in an office, working on a laptop. One man is typing while the other listens attentively. They are dressed in business attire. A window with a cityscape is visible in the background, along with a small plant.

People-pleasing can be a cutthroat game, and a pleaser finding out that someone was serviced better by someone other than them is practically an act of war. They don’t like to dilute praise given to them by sharing the objects of their attention and will be damned if another pleaser gets the upper hand.

7. They don’t get much enjoyment from life because they don’t know what they enjoy.

Older man sitting near a window, wearing a blue shirt, and looking downward. A reflection of the man is visible in the glass. The scene is softly lit with natural light from outside.

People pleasers might often find that they have little idea what actually pleases themselves. Their sense of joy and worth in things or activities comes from mirroring the satisfaction of others. This leads to entertainment, food, and other social niceties coming off as “meh” to the people pleaser who finds themselves alone minus the influence of outside sources.

8. No one respects them because they don’t share their honest opinions.

As a people pleaser, one’s advice will be discounted; after all, the pleaser is trying to please, not be objective. People might seek them out as a sounding board in order to feel good, but if one can’t be counted on to give an honest opinion, one’s views won’t matter to many.

Also, they tend to back down from arguments, often swallowing their own concerns or complaints. This leads to them being further taken advantage of (and them thinking of themselves as being taken advantage of, which feeds into the underlying sense of resentment).

9. They never get the best out of their time.

A woman with long dark hair, wearing a striped blouse, is sitting at a desk and smiling. The desk has a notebook, colorful pens, a take-out coffee cup, and various office supplies. In the background, there is a wooden shelf with books and a potted plant.

Time. Time is the most precious commodity because those who know how to use it well exhibit a sense of mastery, whether in their careers, their studies and hobbies, or their lives in general. The people pleaser lives a life interrupted: their needs, interests, and desires take a back seat to the needs, interests, and desires of others. A pleaser’s time is not their own.

10. Their finances are taking a hit.

Close-up of one person handing a $100 bill to another person. The money is being exchanged against a light, blurred background. The person handing the money has a thumb and forefinger visible, while the recipient's hand is partially shown.

The people pleaser’s purse has a sieve. Whether they’re loaning money or paying for lunch or feeling obliged to support every friend-of-a-friend’s Kickstarter that comes their way, they have a hard time saying no to their disappearing dollars.

11. Their love life is one-sided and unsatisfactory.

A woman with curly hair and a man with a beard sit closely together, both wearing black jackets. The woman gazes thoughtfully into the distance, while the man is slightly out of focus. They are outdoors with blurred greenery in the background.

If you’re a people pleaser, your relationships are going to be woefully one-sided. Sixty-forty? You’ll be lucky to get seventy-thirty. You will be expected to plan outings, be the sensitive ear or shoulder, be on call, come up with pleasant surprises, and not expect to be on the receiving end of the same.

It’s not hard to see how this would lead to a series of short-lived relationships following a set pattern: joy and fun at first, then creeping feelings of fatigue on the part of the pleaser, then resentment, then mild confrontation, affront on the part of the lover, and inevitable dissolution.

Finally…

A smiling woman at a door hands a light blue pot to an older man wearing a sweater. The man looks pleased as they exchange the pot outside a house. The background shows greenery.

It’s OK to want people to feel good, and it’s vital that we help each other, but serving as a people pleaser makes any experience feel detrimental both ways. It’s easy for others to fall into needing the pleaser too much (thereby becoming an enabler), and for the pleaser to become a useful tool rather than a real person (thereby continuing a cycle).

Always keep in mind that we must first please ourselves in order to have a truly positive influence on someone else’s life. Satisfaction flows outward, and its effects are contagious.

Saying no doesn’t make one a bad person, nor is the occasional assertion of personal needs in any way selfish.