Kind people who have low self-esteem engage in these 10 behaviors (to their detriment)

Kindness mixed with low self-esteem throws up some harmful behaviors.

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While kindness is an extremely admirable trait, when mixed with low self-esteem, it can lead to various behaviors that aren’t actually good for the individual in question. People who have this particular mix of characteristics will likely do some or all of the following things.

1. They say “yes” to everything.

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Kind people inherently want to help. However, kind people with low self-esteem and poor boundaries don’t do well with protecting their time and space by saying “no”. They may feel bad or guilty about it, like they must be the one to help since they were the one asked for it. Instead of valuing themselves and their own time, they value another person’s time and approval more.

2. They over-apologize.

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Arguments and disruptions happen, even in the healthiest of relationships. The ability to mend those breaks helps solidify and strengthen the relationship. Kind people with low self-esteem typically want the disagreement to be done and over with rather than confronting it. They apologize excessively to try to mend the break quickly, even if it’s not their fault. Avoiding conflict and keeping others happy is more important to them.

3. They constantly seek external validation.

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People with low self-esteem constantly seek external validation. Kind people go out of their way to try to please others to earn that external validation, to have other people think and tell them that they are good. They find that the easiest way to earn approval and validation is to do things for other people, even to their own detriment.

4. They put others’ needs first.

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A person with healthy self-esteem will understand that they need to put their own needs first sometimes. You can’t pour from an empty jug. Similarly, it’s impossible to provide meaningful support when you’re mentally and emotionally exhausted. People with low self-esteem aren’t able to take care of themselves nearly as well. They may burn themselves out completely trying to fulfill others’ needs before they think about taking care of themselves.

5. They avoid confrontation and conflict.

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People with low self-esteem fear rejection or criticism. Because of that, they avoid addressing problems or standing up for themselves. Instead, they will allow themselves to be treated poorly so as to avoid those negative social interactions. Conflict and confrontation are a normal part of the human experience. People are messy creatures where we can’t always get along. Even among friends, problems come up that need to be brought into the open and addressed.

6. They minimize their own achievements.

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They may be quick to celebrate others, but they often downplay or try to avoid acknowledging their own achievements. This kind of behavior can be just not mentioning an accomplishment, saying it’s not all that important, or hiding behind giving credit to other people involved. People with low self-esteem tend to think that any acknowledgment they receive is bragging. It’s not. Bragging is doing it excessively or making other people feel bad about not doing similar things.

7. They tolerate toxic circumstances and relationships.

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Kind people with low self-esteem often stay in unhealthy relationships because they don’t believe they deserve better or they’re afraid of being alone. They may stay in toxic work environments because they question their own skills and abilities, or they are concerned with leaving their coworkers high and dry more than they are their own health. Those with healthy self-esteem are willing to move on for things that aren’t right or healthy for them.

8. They overcompensate with kindness.

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In many cases, an overcompensation of kindness isn’t just about earning affection or approval from others, it’s about convincing themselves that they are kind. If they are concerned that they hurt someone else, they feel compelled to want to fix it and demonstrate their remorse. In turn, that may cause them to hurt themselves in the process. There’s nothing wrong with fixing one’s mistakes, the issue is the lack of balance that people with low self-esteem often have.

9. They blame themselves for others’ problems.

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Kind people with low self-esteem will often try to take responsibility for problems that aren’t theirs to fix. They feel compelled to help more—or else blame themselves for not helping more—when they see someone suffering. However, there is a balance to that where people with healthy self-esteem understand that they cannot set themselves on fire to keep others warm. Everyone needs to be responsible for themselves. You can certainly help, but you can’t own another’s problems.

10. They struggle to accept help.

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The ability to accept help is a sign of healthy self-esteem and mentality. The reason is that the person understands they are only human, and they need help sometimes just like anyone else. They understand that help is reciprocal in nature. A kind person will want to help when they see someone who needs help, and they will extend that kindness to themselves, too. Once low self-esteem enters the equation, the person might feel like a burden on others if they need or request help.