Neediness is never an attractive quality.
Clingy behavior can damage your relationship if your partner can’t handle it. It can also mean you lose your independence—you forget about your ability to stand on your own two feet and get out there and get things done.
What’s more, it can mean that your focus is entirely on the object of your affections and all the other relationships in your life start to suffer.
I think we can all agree that one or both partners being clingy and needy isn’t a positive thing for any relationship.
But it can sometimes be hard to know whether you’re being clingy or not. There is a fine line between taking comfort in your partner’s company and being needy.
Whether you are clingy—or, more importantly, whether you partner thinks you are clingy—depends on yours and their feelings. It can be confusing because different people have different tolerances and preferences in a relationship.
So how do you know whether you’ve crossed the line? Look out for these 12 behaviors.
1. You make your partner’s needs the priority above your own.
When all we can think about is the object of our affection, we often, unconsciously, put their needs ahead of ours. We stop doing things that we genuinely want to do because we’re so desperate to spend time with our lover. We don’t have the guts to tell the other person what we need from them, perhaps out of fear that they’ll say no. This is not a healthy attachment.
Whilst the universe doesn’t revolve around you, your universe shouldn’t revolve entirely around the other person.
If you’re sacrificing your own needs for theirs, it will only cause resentment on your side, and overwhelm on theirs. Neither of which will end well.
2. You disrespect their boundaries.
Some people love constant contact in the form of hugs, kisses, and caresses, but some people just don’t. If your partner has told you, or their body language has made it clear that they’re not comfortable with the amount of physical affection you bestow on them, it’s important to respect their boundaries. If you find it hard to do this, it may be because you’re needy.
Just because they aren’t as tactile as you, doesn’t mean they love you any less—they just have a different way of showing it.
3. You don’t give your partner space, or you resent them when they enforce it.
If you never spend an evening or day doing different things, you’ve likely got a neediness problem. Or perhaps you do spend time apart, but you don’t do it willingly and you begrudge your partner wanting their own space. Either way, it’s not a good sign.
You might want to spend as much time as possible with your partner, but giving them some breathing room will do you, them, and your relationship a lot of good.
4. You’re neglecting your friends.
Have you ever had a friend ditch you for a relationship? Do you remember how bad that feels?
Now you’re that person.
In a healthy relationship you consciously nurture the important friendships in your life and set aside time to dedicate to them, just as you do with your partner. And you encourage your partner to do the same. If you’re not doing that, it’s an indicator of clingy behavior according to Very Well Mind.
5. And you’re neglecting your family.
People often ditch their family as well as their friends when they’re clingy.
When was the last time you called your mom? Probably too long ago if you’ve let your relationship take over.
As much as it might seem like it sometimes, your relationship isn’t the only important thing going on in this world. And if you think it is, you’ve got a problem.
6. You spend too much time thinking about the ‘what ifs’.
Have you ever found yourself going down a ‘what if’ black hole whilst you’re sitting at home and your partner is out for a drink with friends? You start wondering, “what if he meets another girl?” or, “what if she decides she doesn’t want me anymore…?”
This is a sign of clingyness.
And to be quite frank, anything could happen, you can’t control the future, and there’s absolutely no point being miserable about hypothetical things that are very unlikely to happen.
7. You never go away without your partner.
When was the last time you spent a night away from your partner?
Holidays with your partner can be dreamy, but holidays with friends or, for that matter, holidays on your own are also fantastic. They’re very different experiences, but you might find that you actually see more of a place when you’re not wrapped up in your partner.
Going away for a long weekend or even a few weeks is a fantastic way to get a bit of space from one another and get excited about seeing each other again. It’s also the sign of a healthy, secure relationship.
Absence, as long as it’s not excessive, really does make the heart grow fonder.
8. You drop plans as soon as your partner makes another suggestion.
Do you drop plans you’ve made with friends or family if your partner suggests doing something? If you do, this is a surefire sign that something is very wrong in your relationship.
Tempting as it can be, dropping everything for your partner sends them the wrong message, and won’t impress the person you’re leaving high and dry.
9. You rely on your partner for your happiness.
The idea that our romantic partner should be our other half or our perfect match often encourages clinginess. We’re taught that our partner should ‘complete’ us, which encourages us to rely on them entirely, even for our happiness.
But the truth is, your partner shouldn’t have to meet all your needs, and no one is ever going to be perfect in every way.
You might have certain interests in common, but you’ll probably have a lot of different ones too. And just because he or she doesn’t like going to art exhibitions and you do, doesn’t mean you have to stop going.
If your relationship is healthy, you’ll maintain your network of family and friends to make sure you have different people to turn to for different reasons, and you won’t expect your partner to be your everything.
10. You spend all day in contact with your partner when you’re physically apart.
The fact is, it’s far easier to be clingy these days. In the past, we couldn’t physically be in constant contact with one another. We’d say goodbye in the morning and come back together at night, full of stories of the day to share. Or, we’d have to rely on phone calls from a landline or even wait for a letter… so we just had to get on with life and not spend our time worrying.
The advent of text messages and WhatsApp with those traitorous blue ticks has, unfortunately, sent clinginess levels through the roof.
But just because we can be in contact all day every day, doesn’t mean we should be. If you are, or if you’re wasting your time worrying when you don’t receive a speedy reply, or whether the tone of the reply sounds wrong, you’ve got a neediness problem.
11. You take your partner’s need to spend time without you as them rejecting you.
It’s perfectly natural and healthy for couples to spend time apart from each other. But if it doesn’t feel that way to you and you take their need to spend time away from you as you being rejected or having your needs ignored, it’s a red flag.
12. You constantly seek reassurance from your partner.
According to expert Marriage therapists, neediness and clinginess are often accompanied by the desire to be reassured on a regular basis that your partner loves you and your relationship is not going to end. And while seeking some reassurance is perfectly healthy, asking for it every day can be unsettling for your partner and it’s a sign you’re not secure in yourself, or the relationship.
