Why do you feel fake?
Do you feel fake, but you’re not sure why?
All of us go through periods where we don’t feel completely like ourselves. This can happen during times of transition when we’re trying to figure out who and where we are.
Other times, we might deal with existential angst while sipping a frappawhippy drink we can’t actually stand, surrounded by people we don’t even like. Suddenly we feel like complete imposters or actors in our own lives and don’t know what to do about that feeling.
So why does this happen? What are some of the reasons a person may feel like a fake or fraud? Let’s take a look.
1. You’re living someone else’s dream, not your own.
Take some time to analyze the different aspects of your life. This can include your job, your home decor, your fashion style, even the foods you eat. Now ask yourself if you’re truly happy with those things or if you’ve made those choices so other people will be proud of you.
Let’s say you have a parent who thinks you’d be amazing at a particular job because of your skills and personality type. You may have no interest in that career, but they’re so persuasive and enthusiastic about it that you feel like maybe they have a point… and what’s the harm in pursuing it? After all, they have more life experience, and you don’t want to let them down.
So, you do the thing that you’re expected to do, and you may even excel at it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right for you.
Things get even worse if you’re getting recognition and accolades for the thing you’re doing. You feel like a fake and might hate every second of it, but others admire you and wish that they were you. As a result, you might feel like you’re being dramatic or ungrateful, since so many others just WISH they had your life.
It’s not a fun situation to contend with, and it can lead to anxiety and severe depression.
2. You’re navigating unfamiliar territory.
Comfort zones are named as such for a reason: they’re comfortable. We’re cozy and confident in them and often allow ourselves to stagnate in them because they’re easy to deal with. We know these zones inside and out—how they work and how to adjust them to our greatest benefit.
As a result, when you’re in unfamiliar territory, you might feel as though you’re playing a role rather than being yourself. You might be wearing the right clothes and saying the right things, but everything you do feels performative.
If this strikes a chord, recognize that this too shall pass. After all, that comfort zone you were so cozy in was new to you once as well. You weren’t born into that situation. You immersed in it, adapted to it, and mastered it until it was second nature.
The same thing will happen to new experiences too. You just need to give yourself time and space to learn and adapt accordingly.
3. You’re experiencing imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome affects a surprising number of people—some of whom you’d never expect. My partner and I have both met a wide variety of folks (some famous, many not), and some of the most well-known ones have dealt with raging cases of imposter syndrome.
In many cases, people have earned accolades because of something they’ve done or created, such as inventing something spectacular or writing an amazing book. Suddenly they’re celebrated by thousands singing their praises. But internally, they feel like blazing frauds.
Maybe that invention was inspired by a dream, or the book idea came about through late conversations with a friend. All the events that unfolded seemed to come about without great effort on their part, so how can they take credit for the success?
In other cases, a person might have a fantastic job and feel like they have no idea what they’re doing. So, they phone it in, give presentations that terrify them, “fake it” at their desks, and muddle through as best they can. All the while, they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop; for everyone else to realize that they’re playing pretend, and they really are just Muppets behind a curtain.
Imposter syndrome often comes about due to influences in one’s early life. For example, if you made the honor roll after years of being mocked for your sub-par academic achievements, you would likely feel like you didn’t deserve it. Similarly, if your parents insulted your appearance on a regular basis and then someone complimented your good looks, you probably wouldn’t believe them.
Furthermore, you’ll be far more likely to believe and trust negative feedback than positive reinforcement. This is because you’ve become so accustomed to abuse that if someone says something nice to you—even about something that’s absolutely valid about yourself—you just can’t bring yourself to believe that it’s true.
Many people who suffer from imposter syndrome are highly intelligent, but they also straddle the line between perfectionism and procrastination. They’ll be amazingly good at what they do, and hold themselves to impossibly high standards, but they’ll also hold off on putting the work in because they expect insults and cruelty as compensation. Then, when they don’t receive negativity, they don’t trust the end result.
This can be an extremely difficult situation to work through and often requires help from a therapist or counsellor to get over.
4. You try to match other people’s energy.
Have you ever come home from a function and just crashed? Maybe you just couldn’t bear to hear one more person talk at you, or you were exhausted from trying to be as perky and social as those around you.
This often happens when someone tries to consistently match the energy levels of others around them, to their own detriment. You might be able to keep up while at work, but you crash from exhaustion as soon as you get home.
Many introverts suffer from this, as extraversion is often treasured—and even demanded—in the workplace. This is especially true if your job involves public relations, event management, human resource work, or other situations in which you have to do a lot of social interaction.
If you’re naturally a rather quiet, reserved person, but you’re surrounded by bubbly, high-energy colleagues, you might feel like you’re expected to “keep up” with their output. In some cases, not meeting their energy might result in you being called a “downer,” or repeatedly asked what’s wrong with you (e.g., if you’re feeling ill or whatnot).
Should you find that this is the case, you might be better suited to a different job: perhaps one that requires a lot of alone time. Research, data entry, writing, coding, and graphic design are just a few options for introverts who don’t have a lot of extra energy to spare.
The same goes for social circles. If you feel drained after spending time with friends rather than reenergized by them, you might want to find new friends who better match your own energy output.
5. Your choices aren’t being supported or validated by other people.
This can be one of the most difficult reasons to contend with.
You might be fully aware that you’re skilled and knowledgeable in your chosen field, for example, but if you aren’t getting proper respect and recognition from your family, friends, peers, and superiors, you may begin to doubt yourself on a fundamental level and feel like a phony as a result.
This often happens when and if you have a career (or personal hobbies) that aren’t respected (or even understood) by those around you. That said, lack of respect or validation can also happen when it comes to personal relationships.
For instance, if you’ve chosen to pursue a relationship with someone of a different cultural background, you might be contending with a constant barrage of insults and unkind remarks that make you question your own motivations. A common one may be informing you that you’re only with that person to prove how “woke” you are.
Over time, these comments can wear away on your self-esteem and make you wonder if there’s any credence to them. As a result, you might end up feeling like a fake: that you really are a poser whose choices revolve around seeming cool or rebellious, rather than because you’re following a true path of heart.
6. You’re not the same person anymore.
Some people feel a sense of alienation and confusion when they no longer feel joy or fulfillment doing things that they once loved. As such, they might seem to just be “phoning it in” when it comes to previously loved pastimes.
Maybe you used to love going out for drinks with friends on a Friday night, but now you’re more annoyed by the process than anything. Or you used to adore a particular hobby, but now taking part in it seems hollow and empty. You might stare at craft materials and not give a single damn about finishing any of your projects, or films that you once adored now bore you to tears.
When and if this happens, you might feel obligated to keep taking part in them because, well, that’s just what you’ve always done.
Some of these pastimes might have been intertwined into the very personality that you identified with. Since they’re no longer engaging, you might feel like you’re simply pretending to be something you’re not to maintain the status quo. This can be especially true if these pursuits are linked with your social life. What happens to your social circle if a fundamental aspect that linked you to these people doesn’t fit right with you anymore?
It’s not just okay to change and grow as an individual: it’s vital that you do so. Imagine what we’d be like if we never changed! You might still be wearing clothes you thought were cool when you were 11 years old, and that’s a terrifying thought.
Evolution is inevitable, and it’s an admirable part of personal development. Allow yourself the space to grow into the person you’re capable of becoming. Those who love you will still accept and support you unconditionally, and those who don’t… well, you might have outgrown those friendships as well.
7. You somehow don’t feel that you “deserve” everything you have.
There’s a song by the Talking Heads entitled “Once in a Lifetime,” which was released in the early 80s. The lyrics deal with a sort of existential angst in which the listener may feel like they don’t truly believe that they have everything they have, or how they got there:
“And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful house”
And you may tell yourself, “This is not my beautiful wife”
Many of us glance around ourselves and wonder WTF is happening and how on earth did we get here? One minute we were gangly teenagers with braces and bad hair, and now we have degrees, mortgages, and families. But aspects of those teen selves are still with us; still part of us.
Those aspects might lead us to believe that we somehow don’t “deserve” the things we have. Maybe if the people around us knew about the stupid habits we had when we were younger, or the secret interests we never share with others, they wouldn’t want anything to do with us. Maybe if our employers knew how little confidence we have in our abilities, they’d fire us.
This feeling of being undeserving of the various blessings you have can take a massive toll across the board. It all boils down to low self-esteem, and it might have been caused by a number of different contributing factors.
8. You’re struggling with depression (and might not even realize it).
Depression can manifest in a number of different ways, and one of them is a feeling of self-alienation. If you’ve been feeling like a fraud for a while now, it’s possible that your mind and soul are trying to get your attention; trying to let you know that something needs to be attended to as soon as possible.
Anyone can suffer from depression at any point in their lives. They don’t necessarily need to have previous experience with it, nor a family history of emotional or mental despair. There can be a number of contributing factors, and it may manifest in several different ways.
If you feel that you may be depressed, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Catching issues before they can get too severe might make an enormous difference in your overall health and wellbeing.
