Couples who end up in bleak, loveless marriages tend to engage in these 12 behaviors

Don’t allow these acts to suck the love from your relationship.

A man in a red shirt looks thoughtfully at a body of water while a woman in a checkered shirt stands in the foreground, slightly out of focus. The scene conveys a sense of contemplation near a waterfront.

Many people who find themselves in loveless, drab marriages can’t seem to figure out how they got to that point. In their minds, everything was fine up until it wasn’t anymore. In reality, both partners may have been engaging in the behaviors listed here, and weren’t aware of how they were affecting their marriage until it was too late.

1. Bottling up their feelings rather than communicating them.

A woman with short blonde hair sits pensively on a bed, resting her chin on her hands. In the background, a man in a white shirt sits with his hand on his forehead, appearing distressed. The scene suggests tension or a serious conversation.

By not communicating about issues when they’re small, those issues are likely to blossom into big troubles. Many people are conflict-avoidant and don’t want to risk potential discomfort, but they’re missing out on an opportunity for growth—both seeing their weak points and improving their relationship.

2. Willfully ignoring the other’s legitimate desires and needs in favor of their own.

A man and woman standing back-to-back. The woman looks upward with her eyes closed, while the man looks forward with a neutral expression. They are in an outdoor setting with an archway in the background.

It’s easy to focus on what you want in the moment and pass off your spouse’s cries for help. This often happens when people get so caught up in their own stresses that they become very inwardly focused, and pay little attention to what’s going on outside of themselves. Their partner could be crying out for some quality time together—or simply crying in the corner—but they wouldn’t even notice.

3. Selfish consumption.

A woman and a man are sitting on a couch, both holding red mugs. The woman, on the left, is pointing a remote control towards the TV. Both appear to be watching something on the TV. A clock and some home decor are visible in the background.

Whether it’s watching the show that they want, or eating the food they prefer, some partners dictate consumption choices. They only indulge their own wants and don’t ensure their partner’s satisfaction in turn. If their partner insists on having things their way for once, the selfish one complains or gets hostile.

4. Failing to stand up for one another.

A woman and a man, both middle-aged, sit on a bed facing away from each other, looking pensive and distant. The room has a white brick wall, a painting, and some plants. Sunlight streams in, creating a stark, contemplative atmosphere.

Being spineless strikes a primordial nerve that is very hard to mend. It’s incredibly difficult to ignore the fact that the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with cannot (or will not) stand up for the person that they profess to love. There is no deeper sign that the one you’re with is incapable.

5. Taking each other for granted.

A man in a black sweater is seen from behind, looking towards a woman in the background who is wearing a black dress and a burgundy scarf. They are standing in front of a red wall.

Do you show gratitude for anything your partner does for you? Or have you simply come to expect it as part of your regular routine? Are the bills always paid on time and food always on the table? Do you get angry if those two examples aren’t met once in a blue moon? When one partner takes the other for granted, you can bet that resentment runs deep.

6. Forgetting important dates or details.

A woman wearing a party hat looks tired and contemplative, resting her chin on her hand. A birthday cake with lit candles and fruit sits in front of her, surrounded by empty wine glasses and a champagne bottle. Balloons decorate the background.

Forgetting your partner’s birthday, or that they’re fiercely allergic to something is pretty diabolical. Similarly, if they’ve told you that they’re exhibiting in an art show on X date, and you book another event (or merely just forget), you’re sending a clear message of how important they are to you.

7. Neglect through self-centeredness.

A man and woman sit at a table in a kitchen, both resting their chins on their hands with thoughtful, concerned expressions. The man looks at the woman, while she gazes downward. Various kitchen items are visible on shelves in the background.

How often do you think about your shoes when you don’t need to wear them? Quite often, people forget that their partners are people, and instead see them as means to achieving whatever needs or wants they have in the moment. Then, once their wants are pacified, they get shelved instead of cared for.

8. Perfunctory or “obligatory” intimacy.

A man and a woman are lying on a bed with their heads next to each other, looking upward. The man wears a light green shirt, and the woman is in a white top. Both appear relaxed and thoughtful, set against the neutral tones of the bedspread.

Instead of being affectionate and having spontaneous bedroom fun times, they might schedule physical intimacy every third Thursday of the month as a perfunctory gesture—rather like pruning the shrubbery or paying a bill. There’s no real intimacy involved, and everyone knows it.

9. Living as roommates instead of a loving couple.

A young man and woman are sitting next to each other on a brown leather couch. The man is wearing a brown sweater and has his chin resting on his arms, looking pensively ahead. The woman, wearing a blue knit sweater, has her head resting on her gloved hands, appearing contemplative. Brown blinds cover the windows behind them.

People who find themselves in loveless marriages often live separate lives under one roof. They’ll barely speak to one another, choosing instead to occupy their time in separate rooms (or floors), and eating separately, without any of the regular affectionate gestures (like hugs or cuddling) that occur between couples.

10. Consistently prioritizing the children over one another.

A man sits at a table with two children, a boy and a girl, who are drawing with colored pencils. They are smiling and appear to be enjoying the activity together in a cozy, well-lit room.

Kids by their nature are very needy and demanding. That doesn’t mean that your partner ceases to exist, or that they lack feelings. A big way for couples to improve things is to firmly set their spouse as their top priority. For example, if little Billy is screaming for attention while your wife is quietly trying to tell you something, listen to your wife first.

11. Betrayal of others’ information.

A middle-aged couple sits on a white couch engaged in conversation. The man has gray hair and wears a white shirt, gesturing with his hand. The woman has blonde hair and wears a striped shirt, looking attentively at the man. Shelves with glassware are in the background.

Few things can make someone lose respect for (and connection with) their partner like seeing them betray other people’s confidences. After all, if they’re so eager to “spill the tea” when others confide in them, it’s unlikely that they’ll keep personal, relationship-related information to themselves either.

12. Choosing to stay with each other out of convenience rather than earnestly leaving.

A couple wearing plaid shirts stands close together outdoors. The man with sunglasses and a beard rests his hand on the woman's shoulder. The woman has long red hair, and they are both looking into the distance. Trees and a blue sky are in the background.

Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out. Unfortunately, many people choose to remain in unhealthy and unhappy marriages because it’s easier and more comfortable for them to do so, instead of having the courtesy to set their partner free to be with someone who actually wants them.