11 Questions Manipulative People Will Ask You To Control Your Thoughts And Emotions

These questions are among the most manipulative things a person can say.

Woman with long brown hair wearing a beige hat, gray turtleneck, and beige pants. She stands against a yellow background, gesturing with one hand extended and the other on her hip, appearing confused or questioning.

Sometimes, a person will manipulate you not through the statements they make, but through the questions they ask. By positioning their manipulation as questions, they can get around many people’s natural defenses because their intentions are less obvious. If you don’t want to be manipulated, be on the lookout for the following questions.

1. “Don’t you care about me?”

A young woman and an older woman sit on a beige couch engaged in a serious conversation. The younger woman, with blonde hair, gestures with her hand while looking intently. The older woman, with gray hair, responds thoughtfully. Both appear focused and concerned.

Manipulative people will typically go after your emotions to create enough leverage so that you do the things for them that you don’t want to do. Love, care, and kindness are some of the easiest emotions to leverage because, if you’re a normal person, you want to help someone you care about. That’s completely reasonable and a part of healthy relationships. What isn’t healthy is someone exploiting your emotions to get you to do things you don’t want to do.

2. “Are you really going to believe them over me?”

A man in a brown blazer is talking animatedly to a woman across a table in a dimly lit café. The woman is wearing a black top, and there are other people in the background. The atmosphere is cozy and intimate.

One could almost think of this as part of gaslighting because the goal is to make you question your reality and relationships. Presumably, if someone is in the position to ask you this question, they are likely close to you—like a spouse or a family member. They’re appealing to the value you place on the relationship to devalue the opinion of an outsider. This can allow them to isolate you from people who can call them out on their behavior.

3. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

A woman with long brown hair wearing a gray and pink striped sweater gestures with her palms open, standing against a dark gray background. Her expression is neutral, and she appears to be shrugging.

A person who genuinely cares about your well-being won’t diminish and minimize your feelings. In essence, this question is meant to undermine your feelings because the other person doesn’t view them as important. People who genuinely care about you will want to better understand why it’s a big deal, so that they don’t hurt you again. Furthermore, if they can convince you that your emotions aren’t a big deal, it makes it easier for them to step on your emotions again later.

4. “Don’t you trust me?”

A man and woman sit in a café, engaged in a serious conversation. The man gestures with his hand, while the woman looks at a smartphone in her hand. A glass of orange juice with a straw and umbrella sits on the table in front of them.

The idea behind this question is to create guilt and pressure to conform to their desires. Trust is something deep that can be exploited by someone who doesn’t have good intentions. The truth is that someone who is being honest and transparent won’t need to appeal to your trust this way. Even if they’re wrong, a person with good intentions will explain to you why they are doing what they are doing so you can see for yourself that they are trustworthy.

5. “What’s wrong with you?”

A person with short dark hair wearing a plaid shirt stands against a light blue background. They have a puzzled expression and their arms are raised with palms facing up, as if shrugging or questioning.

A person trying to avoid responsibility or manipulate you will not want you to look too closely at what they are doing. This question is meant to deflect attention from themselves or their actions back onto you by making it about your perception and emotions. Its aim is to paint you as the one in the wrong for feeling how you do, rather than addressing the bad behavior of the other person. It also implies that you are wrong for feeling the way that you do.

6. “Why are you always trying to argue?”

A man and a woman are engaged in conversation outside a building with large windows. Both are wearing white shirts, and the woman has a black dress underneath. Their expressions suggest they are discussing something important.

Deflection at its most basic. Any anger you express can potentially be turned back on you by trying to make it about your response rather than their actions. Arguing isn’t always an unhealthy thing. Yes, it’s better to talk things through with someone when you’re able to, but emotions can run hot. Sometimes, an argument is inevitable when someone feels hurt. You have a right to be angry and argue if you feel that you’re not being respected the way that you should be.

7. “Why are you so sensitive about that?”

A woman and a man are sitting at a table in a restaurant, engaged in conversation. The woman gestures with her hand while the man focuses on his meal. There are plates of food and a glass of wine in front of them.

The manipulator can get away with more if they can make you feel like you or your emotions are unreasonable. This question is meant to minimize your emotions and question whether or not you have a justified reason to feel the way you do. Justified or not, your response to what was said or done is valid and needs to be addressed in a meaningful way. You’re allowed to be sensitive.

8. “Are you sure you’re remembering that correctly?”

A woman and a man are standing indoors, engaged in a heated discussion. They are facing each other with expressive gestures. The room is softly lit, with a framed picture and a plant in the background.

Your memory can sometimes be unreliable. It’s hard to keep track of every detail in every day. In this example, the manipulator is trying to distract you from the source of your emotions so that you will then question whether or not your emotions are valid. But, here’s the thing: the emotions you are experiencing are clearly caused by something or they wouldn’t be there. If the other person is trying to convince you that the thing wasn’t real or all that bad, then it’s likely they are trying to manipulate you.

9. “Is this how you treat me after all I’ve done for you?”

A woman with short blonde hair sits beside a younger woman with long brown hair, giving her a comforting hug. The younger woman looks thoughtful and distant, resting her chin on her hands. They are indoors with green plants and bookshelves in the background.

Guilt is a common tool of control and manipulation. There are typically two goals. The first goal is to make you feel guilty so you will comply with their wishes. The second is to create a sense of debt in the person so they feel compelled to “pay you back” by believing them or doing things for them. Typically, these are things that you don’t want to do or that are unhealthy for you.

10. “What do you want from me?”

A man and woman are sitting on a couch in a living room, engaged in a heated discussion. The man has his hands raised in frustration, while the woman is holding a piece of paper and gesturing as she talks. Shelves with books and plants are in the background.

Confusion is a method of manipulation that sows doubt and disruption so that you question the circumstances. They know what they did, they know it was wrong, but they don’t want you to look too closely at the truth of the matter. This way, you can’t confirm that they did wrong. If you can confirm that they did wrong, then they will get called out on their bad behavior. A manipulator needs to avoid that or they won’t be able to manipulate.

11. “Why can’t you just let it go?”

An older man with white hair and glasses is engaged in a serious conversation with a younger man with a beard. They are sitting on a gray couch in a well-lit room, facing each other, with the older man gesturing with his hands.

The manipulator is attempting to create pressure to drop your issue so they can avoid taking responsibility for it. The closer you examine an issue, the more likely they are to trip up on their lies or manipulative behavior and expose themselves. This is another example where the person very clearly knows they did wrong and wants to avoid talking about it. A sincere person will want to understand what the problem is to find a solution or ease your negative emotions because they care about you.