This is how lonely people make their situation worse.
Loneliness is not just a feeling; it is an experience that affects a person’s entire life, mindset, and behavior. Sadly, many lonely people engage in thoughts and behaviors that fuel their isolation by making it harder for them to seek out new connections, form those connections, and maintain them. Here are some common ways lonely people sabotage their chances of overcoming the very loneliness that afflicts them.
1. Negative self-talk.
Lonely people often create self-fulfilling prophecies with their thoughts. Negative self-talk like “no one likes me” or “I’ll never make friends with anyone” can draw a person into a negative loop because our actions tend to mirror our thoughts. By saying those things to yourself, you may find your social skills slip, you may withdraw or start acting awkwardly, which causes other people to react negatively.
2. Fear of rejection.
Fears prevent people from taking important opportunities that may otherwise benefit their lives. A person who is afraid of rejection is likely to avoid social opportunities where they would connect with others and get close to them. They may turn down invitations to social events, which increases their isolation and ability to build relationships. Furthermore, if you never show up, people stop inviting you because they assume you won’t come.
3. Overanalyzing social situations.
Most situations need to be taken as they are. Those who are lonely or people with social anxiety may look for subtext and reasons that don’t exist. They may worry that they said something stupid, committed a social faux pas, or the other person isn’t communicating because they don’t like them. In reality, the other person may just be busy with their own responsibilities and life. They may not be communicating because they have other things to do.
4. Comparing oneself to others.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s a statement that is absolutely true. Thoughts like “everyone else has friends but me” undermine your unique self. It is a way that you subconsciously convince yourself to withdraw and isolate further because why bother if everyone else is doing better than you? It’s not a race, though. It’s not a matter of who has more of what. Everyone has their own path, and you can’t socially connect if you don’t put yourself out there.
5. Avoiding vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the only way to meaningfully connect with others. However, it’s hard to be vulnerable if you’ve been hurt a lot. Life is tough and people can be cruel. It’s normal to want to protect yourself by erecting boundaries and walls. You have to be willing to open the door to others if you want to have friendships and relationships. People can’t see the genuine you—the you that they can connect with—if you’ve emotionally isolated yourself from the world.
6. Assuming the worst about others.
A person who comes from a bad history with other people will often be skeptical of ulterior motives and actions. They may think that the other person is just being polite rather than genuinely interested in them as a person. That problem may be worse for those with low self-esteem because then they believe that no one wants to be around them because they’re a bad person. That creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where they isolate themselves further because they don’t think another’s actions are sincere.
7. Believing you’re unworthy of love.
Thoughts like “Why would anyone want me?” cause people to self-sabotage potential connections and furthers self-isolation. People who think this way tend to stop trying, or they don’t believe that others have the potential to care about them in similar ways. Furthermore, you may find that co-dependence and anxious attachment styles become an issue because you are convincing yourself that you need to earn love. In truth, love isn’t something that is earned or should be earned.
8. Seeking toxic validation.
Attention-seeking behavior is often a turn-off. Instead of trying to build healthy relationships in real life, they may turn to attention-seeking behavior on social media. Furthermore, they may also run into the issue of toxic relationships. A person who doesn’t truly love themselves may look for attention and validation anywhere, even if it’s negative, like in a toxic relationship. They are still convincing themselves they are receiving validation, but it is destroying them at the same time.
9. Expecting perfectionism.
Many people believe they need to be flawless to be loved or appreciated. This unhealthy belief may also set unrealistic expectations for others. Friends and lovers aren’t perfect. They can’t be. They won’t tick every box and they will have bad habits that can be annoying or frustrating. That’s normal. By expecting perfection, a lonely person basically condemns themselves to further isolation because no one can reach their unreasonable standards.
10. Relying on others to fix their problems.
A lonely person with self-esteem issues or a sense of entitlement may sit around and wait for other people to try to connect with them. But most people aren’t going to try. Proactivity is the only way to solve problems because no one is going to hand-deliver the solution. It’s necessary to take the steps to connect with other people, put oneself out there, and initiate conversations.
11. Living in the past.
Dwelling in the past prevents you from appreciating present and future opportunities. Your focus can only go in so many directions. A lonely person may think, “Well, I’ve always been alone, so I’ll always be alone.” And that’s just not true. One can build a better present and future by keeping their mind here and now so they can see those opportunities as they present themselves. A lonely person further isolates themselves by not capitalizing on those opportunities when they come.
