Anger will destroy your relationship.
If you find yourself easily irritated or angry in your relationship, you’re likely feeling a lot of shame.
But the fact that you’re here is a great sign, and we’ve got some tips for you to try.
Feeling safe is something your partner absolutely deserves, but you deserve to feel calm and happy too.
These are our suggestions for dealing with anger in a relationship – but there is other help available if you need or want it.
1. Consider the reasons behind your behavior.
Think about why you’re so angry – is something in your life making you feel like you have no control?
Is there something you’ve buried that keeps resurfacing as anger? Or is there something happening consistently that pushes you over the edge?
Whatever it is, you need to try to figure out what the reasons behind your actions are. Think about what might be causing your irrational behavior and you’ll be more likely to resolve it.
2. Look for patterns and triggers.
Being self-aware is key in life in general, but it’s also crucial to having a healthy, functioning relationship.
If you know that you can get quite angry, think about what triggers it. This is crucial, according to Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings.
It may be when someone talks about something that offends you, like politics, or it may be when you feel insecure about your job after a bad meeting with your CEO.
Try to find patterns in your behavior and this will help you limit your exposure to triggers and learn to deal with them in a healthier way.
3. Communicate honestly.
If you know you’re an angry person, it’s worth talking to your partner about it.
This shows that you care about them and you know that your behavior can get out of hand.
By acknowledging your actions, you’re showing that you’re mature and accountable.
This will help your partner feel reassured and secure, and demonstrates that you are open to making changes, which will make them feel better in turn.
Be honest without blaming them if something they are doing makes you angry at times. Let them know how both of your behaviors impact the relationship without attacking them. Psychotherapist, Rich Oswald, says you can do this by stating what upset you once you’ve calmed down, using “I” statements that focus on your feelings rather than “You” statements that focus on their actions.
4. Share your expectations.
Maybe you’re angry because of something in your relationship, or maybe you feel you can openly get angry in front of your partner because they’ll always forgive you and hold space for your behavior.
If you’re having trouble managing your anger, let your partner know what you expect from them in the relationship.
Maybe you expect them to tell you to calm down and regulate your actions. Or maybe you expect them to be there for you to listen to you talk about your bad day and to offer advice when you get angry.
They may not know how to accommodate your behavior, which might make you even more frustrated.
By letting your partner know what expectations you have, you can work towards a more harmonious relationship and a more balanced mood.
Don’t be unfair and expect them to be willing to listen to you shouting about your boss every day, of course.
Think of a reasonable level of care and attention and make it clear why you want this. It’ll help them help you and make them feel better.
5. Set boundaries.
According to Psychology Today, a lot of anger in relationships is caused by couples feeling unable to set or enforce boundaries. As the angry one in your relationship, think about what boundaries you’d like to set with your partner, as well as what help they can give you by setting boundaries for you.
If you know you get very angry very quickly, agree that they will step in after 5 minutes of you shouting, and that you then need to stop.
Equally, maybe you want to set some personal space boundaries.
Some people get angry and then have no outlet for it before they’re in another situation.
They might get home from work and immediately take their bad day out on their partner by shouting about how mad they are. This is an example of displacement in psychology.
Your partner may accidentally encourage this or you might get even angrier at them for something small they’ve done that would never normally annoy you but has really frustrated you because you’re so angry already.
Maybe you’d like to ask for half an hour to yourself between finishing work or seeing friends to process and adjust.
That half an hour will help you come to terms with any feelings of anger you’re experiencing, and you’ll then be able to go into the next part of your day feeling more refreshed and in control.
6. Honor yourself and your needs.
Linking back to our first thinking-point, what are the reasons behind your anger?
It may be that your needs are not being met in your relationship, which frustrates you and leads you to lash out.
It might be that your partner is amazing, but the rest of your life feels out of control, and you take it out on them by shouting and yelling because you need to feel like you are in control.
Whether it’s your needs in the partnership or wider life, you’re probably not having them met if you constantly feel a level of rage inside you.
Consider what could help you feel more satisfied.
Maybe your partner never initiates intimacy anymore and you display the insecurity that makes you feel as anger.
Maybe you lash out because you’re actually jealous about their friendships with people of the same-sex, but don’t know how to express it.
Maybe you’re not getting acknowledged for all your hard work and your boss treats you badly – you can’t yell at them, so you bottle it up until you get home to your ‘safe space’ and can let it all out.
Whatever you think your needs are, they’re not being met and you need to find external ways to help you with that, rather than putting it all on your partner.
7. Seek external help.
Having made it this far through the article, you may, as the ‘angry partner,’ be feeling slightly attacked by now.
That is not the case whatsoever – this is simply pointing out that it is you who has trouble with their feelings, and you who must take responsibility for them.
Your emotions are often due to external factors, so nobody expects you to never get frustrated in your relationship again.
However, if you know that your anger management skills are low, you need to be accountable for them and find ways to resolve your issues.
If you can’t do that, there are lots of ways to seek external help, especially if you worry that your anger may cause you to harm yourself or others.
Therapy can be amazing – it may be that your anger is driven by something you’re unaware of, and therapists are trained to help you uncover that and deal with it so you can live a healthy life.
It may be that the relationship is triggering your anger, in which case you need to re-read everything we’ve written, from finding out what causes the patterns in your actions to setting boundaries to asking whether your needs are being met.
8. Consider ending the relationship.
You may be feeling an underlying sense of disappointment in your relationship – you love them, but why isn’t your partner satisfying you emotionally (and maybe physically)?
This kind of experience can make you feel very angry and frustrated, and you’re likely to be burying these feelings because you feel guilty for not being happy with the person you love and who loves you.
That can then lead to a bubbling up of emotions that expresses itself in angry outbursts.
You need to look after yourself and think about whether you might be better off ending the relationship and finding internal ways to satisfy your needs.
Addressing these issues will help you feel more in control than burying them ever will.
