Look out for these 12 warning signs.
Love is blind in many ways, and a lot of us have made the mistake of overlooking glaring red flags when we’ve been smitten with someone. In fact, just about every woman you’ll ever meet will talk about how she wished she had paid attention to certain warning signs early on, so she could have spared herself a lot of heartache. Or worse.
The red flags listed below are massive indicators that the guy you’re seeing may not be “the good guy” you think he is. Be warned.
1. All his exes were “crazy.”
Beware the guy whose past relationships all failed due to “crazy” exes. According to Psychology Today, a guy who insists all the women he dated before you were nuts is someone who refuses to take responsibility for his own contributions to the relationship’s demise.
Many narcissists gaslight and mistreat their partners and then call them crazy because of their very valid responses to that kind of abuse. It’s very telling when literally all a man’s past partners despise him, so pay attention to that.
2. He makes derogatory “jokes” that reveal he’s a bigot.
Be wary of a supposed “good guy” who’s prone to cracking racist, sexist, or otherwise derogatory jokes about other people. This can include everything from body shaming to gender-related slurs. These aren’t okay and are a massive indicator of his lack of integrity.
Furthermore, if he says these things to you, know that he’s saying them about you as well.
He’s exhibiting extra red flag douchebaggery if he calls others “snowflakes” or similar if they call him out on his poor behavior.
3. There’s always some kind of drama around him.
This guy is always battling major drama in his life. If people at work aren’t screwing him over, then his friends aren’t talking to him, or his family didn’t invite him to the annual holiday gathering, and he never has a good explanation for any of it.
Furthermore, when there isn’t drama going on around him, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. According to research, some people create drama due to impulsiveness or perceived victimhood, while others do so because that’s what they’re familiar with.
4. He’s rude to serving and support staff, and the vulnerable.
A sincerely good guy is going to be kind and polite to everyone he meets, not just those who may benefit him. Pay special attention to how he treats children, those with additional needs, serving or cleaning staff, and so on.
If he mocks or belittles them, he may try to pass off his terrible behavior as “just a joke”, and say you have no sense of humor. In reality, he’s showing you that he’s a cruel bully towards those he perceives as weaker than him.
5. He has no problem shirking responsibilities that he doesn’t like.
He constantly satisfies his own needs over all else and gets sullen and resentful if he’s forced to do things he doesn’t want to do. This can range from doing his fair share of the cooking or house chores to honoring his parenting commitments.
Does he refuse to scrub the toilet or wash floors because doing so is “beneath him”? Is he often late to pick up his kids when it’s his weekend with them, because he’d rather be doing something else? Don’t ignore these red flags.
6. He has no excuse for why his hands (and possibly his face) always look rough and messed up.
If there are often unexplained cuts and scrapes on his fists and his face, and he isn’t a laborer, that may imply he’s been getting into physical altercations with others. Be sure to ask him what happened to gauge his response.
If he falsely says he got them because he’s in martial arts or part of a boxing club, he may brush off follow-up questions about his belt level or where he trains. Or he’ll simply tell you to drop the subject.
7. You’ve found a lot of inconsistencies in his stories.
The stories he’s told you seem to change with retellings or contradict one another, and he gets defensive when he’s asked clarifying questions about the details. He might even go so far as to say that he regrets telling you anything and that you’re never to bring up those subjects again.
You may feel inclined to talk to people who’ve known him forever to verify what he’s told you, but for some reason, he doesn’t have any friendships that have spanned more than a few years.
8. He dominates everything.
You may notice that he’s getting more controlling and dominating the longer you get to know him. He may exhibit Andrew Tate-like behavior, in which he tries to “alpha” every situation he encounters, or will do things like insist on deciding where to eat, or what you’ll wear when you go out.
While he may seem a bit sweet at first, like telling you how much he loves a certain dress on you, he’ll switch and get rude or aggressive if you don’t do as you’re told. According to relationship coach, Shelley Lewin, men who try to dominate you are more interested in what they want than what is actually best for you. This is not the behavior of a “good guy”, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
9. He flirts with your friends (or family).
It’s one thing to be friendly with those who are close to you, and another thing entirely to be flirtatious towards them. Watch how he interacts with your good-looking friends or siblings, and observe their body language while he talks to them. Do they feel uncomfortable, or look at you guiltily?
Even if he brushes off his flirtation as “just being friendly”, this is a glaring sign that he doesn’t respect you, and will cheat on you without a moment’s hesitation. Possibly with your sister.
10. His facade slips when he doesn’t get his way.
It’s scary when you see someone transform into a completely different person before your eyes — like someone has flipped a switch inside them. This “good guy” may have shown you a particular facet of himself for the weeks or months you’ve been dating, but suddenly something triggers that mask to fall.
Whatever facade he has been presenting can’t be maintained long-term, and you’ve suddenly caught a glimpse of what’s actually lurking beneath the surface. If it scares you, run — don’t walk — away. Immediately.
11. He intentionally oversteps your boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are vital in any relationship, so be careful if this guy is fully aware of yours, and intentionally oversteps them. The red flag gets even brighter if it’s an intimate boundary. For example, if you despise rough intimacy and you find he’s getting more forceful with you, despite being told not to.
This implies that he has sadistic tendencies and derives pleasure from making you uncomfortable, or even hurting you. You cannot trust a man who behaves this way.
12. You can see what’s going to be a problem, but you choose to ignore it.
This isn’t often addressed, but a major red flag behavior is choosing to ignore red flags when you see them in other people. If you find there’s a pattern of atrocious behavior in all the men you date, you need to ask yourself whether the problem is really with them, or with you.
You may have a savior complex and are superimposing past ghosts onto new partners in the hope of having a better result this time. It may be an attempt at seeking closure on those past issues, but it rarely works out that way.
