Are you hindering your own shot at happiness?
Happiness is a process as much as it is an outcome. Your actions and habits and beliefs all contribute to your emotional well-being, or lack thereof. Quite often, people are the obstacle to their own happiness, and then they have the cheek to point the finger of blame at others. If you’re doing any of the following things, you are sabotaging your happiness while ignoring your own role in it.
1. You avoid responsibility.
There are no greater contributors to success than accountability and responsibility. Why? Because you need to be able to recognize your mistakes so that you can learn, grow, and move forward. Responsibility matters because you will undoubtedly make wrong decisions that affect others.
It’s easy to point the finger at others when something goes wrong. You may look for any excuse to say to yourself, “I’m not the reason it went bad.” Psychotherapist Dr. Sharon Martin points out that it’s extremely difficult to have a good relationship with someone who won’t take responsibility.
2. You overload yourself.
A helpful attitude can create and strengthen relationships. It’s normal to want to help people that you care about. However, that work and commitment can stack up pretty quickly if you don’t have healthy boundaries.
You can’t blame other people for asking you for help. If you have poor boundaries or don’t enforce them, how will other people know they are asking too much? You can’t blame other people if you aren’t able to say “no” when you’re overburdened. That’s your responsibility.
3. You seek validation from others.
You have likely heard the phrase, “Happiness comes from within.” That saying is pointing to the importance of internal validation. That is, you can feel okay and happy with yourself regardless of what anyone thinks of you. Everyone has an opinion, and many opinions are bad or misinformed.
The problem with external validation is that it requires you to conform to what other people want in order to earn that validation. Then, it becomes a matter of being unhappy with yourself when you can’t measure up to their expectations. It’s a recipe for unhappiness as you stifle the unique you to earn approval.
4. You are a perfectionist.
Perfectionists often view their perfectionism as something positive. After all, if their work or effort is perfect, then they don’t have to worry about the anxiety of rejection. Additionally, perfectionism is a way to procrastinate finishing a job.
A perfectionist is operating under the assumption that everyone else is going to see the hours and hours they poured into a project. Then, when others don’t recognize it, the perfectionist blames others for not appreciating it, making themselves unhappy in the process.
5. You hold onto grudges.
Sometimes, people are thoughtless or cruel, and most don’t necessarily mean to be. The people who do intend to be just get the most attention because they are loudest or maliciously obvious. According to the staff at Mayo Clinic, these people need to be forgiven their flaws for your own peace and happiness.
Does that mean they are just let off the hook? No. The reality is that many people who are cruel or mean don’t care how you feel about it. You can hold a grudge for years because they just don’t care enough to apologize or make it right. Expecting them to extend an olive branch is just a way to make yourself perpetually sad or angry about the situation. Instead, you’re challenged to let it go for your own happiness.
6. You compare yourself to others.
It’s normal to occasionally look at something someone else has and want it. Everyone experiences a little jealousy, a little envy from time-to-time. Most people will compare their position in life, talents, or abilities to others and find themselves wanting at some point.
But that behavior locks you into a cycle of unhappiness because there is always someone out there who has things better than you do. Always. The world is a huge place with so many people from all walks of life. Happiness begins with gratitude—appreciating what you have, even if it’s not much.
7. You are afraid of change.
The comfort zone is, as stated, comfortable. Many people don’t want to step out of it because it’s predictable. Many fear the unknown and aren’t willing to take the steps to pursue what they really want out of life. That can be a source of envy.
People who fear change often use other people as an excuse to not try. They may point to their responsibilities and claim that they can’t try because they just have too much to do for others. While that can be true, many people just use it as an excuse to not try.
8. You have negative self-talk.
Self-esteem and self-worth matter when you want to pursue success and happiness. You have to have some belief in yourself, make the choice, and put in the work. However, you may find that you struggle with those kinds of beliefs, putting yourself down by regularly telling yourself that you can’t.
At some point, you just need to let go and take ownership of your internal narrative. Yes, it’s unfortunate that other people may have been cruel to you, creating those beliefs. However, you can’t live in the past of their cruelty and expect to be happy now. That just doesn’t work.
9. You fear vulnerability.
The unfortunate truth is that life comes with a helping of suffering and pain. Many people build walls to keep others out, to protect themselves from the pain of life or difficult relationships. They push others away and deprive themselves of the happiness of good relationships.
Blame is often cast at individuals who hurt them, or the world in general. It’s a matter of saying that the world is too cruel to be vulnerable when, in reality, they can’t accept that pain may happen. Instead of developing coping skills, they just avoid it, confining themselves to loneliness.
10. You focus on problems instead of solutions.
Pessimism is a poison that erodes not only your happiness but that of the people around you. It causes us to find problems in every solution when trying to deal with other problems. That often becomes a matter of “woe is me! I have all these problems, so what do I do?”
It’s a type of learned helplessness that may be forced onto others. Instead of helping to find the solution, you may find it easier to shoot down what other people have to contribute. Of course, if you do that, then other people just don’t want to be around you because of the negativity. That can erode or even destroy your relationships, leaving you lonely and unhappy.
