We all know that one person who seems to have it all together on the outside. They have the perfect job, the winning smile, the seemingly endless confidence. However, that polished exterior is often hiding something deeper. Self-loathing is more common than you might think, and many people are experts at concealing it from the world. If you want to spot the self-loathing that’s going on beneath the surface, here are 13 behaviors that’ll show you there’s more than meets the eye.
1. They are always achieving.
This is the person who’s always chasing the next big win. Their LinkedIn profile reads like a success story for the ages, and they’re probably working on three different side projects right now. You know who we’re talking about.
However, no amount of gold stars or achievements ever feels like enough. They’re stuck constantly doing more, being more, achieving more. When someone congratulates them on a win, they’re already thinking about what they need to deal with next. But it’s not always a sign of passion or even ambition. Sometimes it’s a sign they’re trying to fill a void that no amount of success seems to fix.
2. They’re a perfectionist.
These people turn everything into a mission for perfection, and they’re the ones who will stay up until 3 AM working on a presentation that was already great six hours ago. And it’s all because the smallest details are huge deals in their minds.
For example, a tiny typo in a text message is worthy of a full-blown crisis, while a slightly crooked picture frame has to be fixed right now. Some people think they’re trying to be difficult, but that’s not true. Research shows that they genuinely believe that anything less than perfect will expose them as the fraud they secretly think they are.
3. Their self-worth depends on other people’s approval.
They’re the yes-people of the world. If you need someone to cover your shift, they’re there, or if you want someone to help you move, they already have their keys. They’re the person everyone counts on—but at what cost?
Deep down, they don’t do nice things because they want to. Instead, they’re doing it because they think it’s the only way people will keep them around. Every time they put their own needs last, they’re trying to earn the right to exist in other people’s lives. They don’t believe they’re worthy.
4. They’re socially withdrawn.
You might notice that they’re responding to fewer texts lately, or maybe they’re “busy” every time there’s a group hangout. Once upon a time, they were the life of the party. But now they’ve become more well-known for giving polite rainchecks.
They’re pulling away because being around people feels too difficult, as every social interaction becomes a chance for others to see through their facade. So, they create distance. They’d like to be with other people—but being alone feels safer than being seen.
5. They’re overly critical of others.
These people have opinions about everything and everyone–-and they’re not afraid to share them. They can spot the tiniest flaw in someone else’s relationship or life choices. Don’t be surprised to find them leaving very detailed negative reviews.
What they won’t tell you is that every criticism they give to other people is really just a sign of how they talk to themselves. According to Web MD, this excess of self-criticism is actually the cause of their self-hatred, though, of course, it probably works both ways.
These people are so used to being harsh with themselves that it spills over into how they treat everyone else, whether it’s accurate or not.
6. They use humor to deflect.
Everyone has that funny friend who always has a joke ready. They’ll make fun of themselves before anyone else gets the chance, and every awkward moment becomes material for their next punchline. Don’t be surprised if you see them making everyone laugh at parties.
Sadly, their humor is just keeping people from getting too close to the real stuff. While studies show that humor can be a form of therapy, making jokes about their flaws feels safer than admitting how much those flaws actually hurt them. You might think it’s just self-deprecation. But really, they’re trying to control the narrative.
7. They constantly apologize.
People who loathe themselves are always apologizing, whether that’s because you bump into them or they’re asking questions. They’ll say sorry for having opinions—sorry for basically existing. In fact, they apologize so much that “sorry” has lost all meaning in their vocabulary.
Each apology is them trying to take up less space in the world. They’ve convinced themselves that their very presence is an inconvenience to others. As such, they try to make up for it with an endless stream of sorrys, even for things that definitely don’t need an apology.
8. They’re obsessed with their appearance.
You’ll probably see them constantly “fixing” something about their appearance. They’re already on the newest diets, while the latest skincare trend doesn’t stand a chance since they’ve bought the whole line. They spend ages getting ready to leave the house.
But no matter how many hours they spend at the gym or how much money they spend on their appearance, it’s never enough. Instead, they focus on “flaws” that nobody else would notice. In doing so, they’re desperately trying to control the one thing they think they can change about themselves.
9. They can’t accept genuine compliments.
Watch what happens when you compliment these people—they’ll immediately deflect, deny, or downplay whatever nice thing you just said about them. It doesn’t matter if you tell them they did a great job on a project. They’ll tell you all the ways it could have been better.
For some people, it’s just false modesty, but for these people, it’s because they genuinely can’t compute positive feedback. Nice words bounce right off them. After all, they don’t match up with what they believe about themselves. They’ve got a ready-made response for every compliment, usually starting with, “Yeah, but…”
10. They over-analyze everything.
It’s easy to recognize people who loathe themselves because they can’t let go of conversations and interactions. While you might brush off any slightly awkward moments, it haunts them at 3 AM. They file every interaction away for later investigation.
Even the most minor moments turn into major cases for them to pull apart and analyze, including things that other people have barely registered or long forgotten. These people just can’t help but try to work out why they messed up so badly.
11. They struggle to make authentic connections.
Another clear sign is that these people are experts at almost-relationships—they’re interested in dating but suddenly get busy when things get serious. Or you might see them desiring a close friendship, yet they always keep one foot out the door. Somehow, they know how to keep everything casual.
The moment someone starts getting too close, they hit the eject button because they’re terrified of what might happen if someone really gets to know them. For them, pushing people away is much easier. But at the same time, they secretly wish someone would push back harder.
12. They can’t make decisions.
They’re the kind of people who take 20 minutes to decide what to order for lunch. If you’re making plans with them, then you’d better have some backup options ready. They’ll research a simple purchase for weeks before making a decision.
The smallest choices feel huge because they’re convinced that one wrong move will prove what they already believe about themselves—that they’re not good enough. They get stuck in decision paralysis. Not because they can’t choose, but rather because they’re terrified of choosing wrong.
