The difference between a close family bond and enmeshment is hard to see if you’re not familiar with what enmeshment is. The key usually lies in boundaries. Boundaries are healthy and necessary in every relationship, including family. However, no personal boundaries or a lack of respect for each other’s boundaries may point to enmeshment instead.
Enmeshment happens when family members are too involved with one another’s lives to the point where there are no personal boundaries. The result is emotional dependency and control as the family members try to take too much from one another.
Here are 8 signs that your close family bond may actually be a harmful enmeshment:
1. You are expected to prioritize family over everything else.
Adults have many responsibilities, which may mean they can’t (and shouldn’t) always drop everything for the needs of their family. Sometimes, you just can’t do it, and that’s okay. Most reasonable people will understand that you can’t make every family gathering, nor can you interrupt your own life for minor family issues. But that’s generally not true in an enmeshed family.
Of course, it’s reasonable that your family might be annoyed or have some minor negative feelings if you’re missing something important. However, enmeshment usually triggers much more severe feelings and repercussions. Common weaponized emotions are anger and guilt trips. According to Psych Central, guilt tripping tactics like the silent treatment or reminding you of all the things they’ve done for you are classic ways that family members may try to force you to comply. They may also impose repercussions such as not inviting you to future functions or ostracizing you with a lack of family contact.
2. You are not allowed to have individual boundaries.
There is no privacy. Family members may feel entitled to know every detail about what’s going on in your life even though it’s not their business. Everyone is entitled to some level of privacy, though. After all, it’s your life to do with what you will. Of course, enmeshed family members don’t see it that way. They don’t want you to have that free will and individuality because then you may break away.
Expert in family behavior, Sharon Martin, confirms that individual boundaries threaten an enmeshed family. Family that lacks respect for your boundaries may do things like go through your phone, go through your mail, read personal materials like journals, or demand access to your home. If they have a key to your house, they may snoop around your belongings without permission when you’re out at work.
3. You are codependent or codependence is forced on you.
What is codependency? Well, it’s a state of emotional dependence where one or both people cannot emotionally function without the other. You often see codependence in abusive relationships or those with addiction. Codependence is also common in enmeshed family dynamics as a way to keep one another trapped in that dynamic. Independence is discouraged and seen as wrong.
That may manifest as one person displaying helplessness so their family member drops everything to help them. They may display weaponized incompetence, acting as if they are unable to do the simplest of emotional or intellectual labor. It may also be that they expect their family members to solve their relationship problems.
A cousin of mine found herself stuck in this kind of situation with her mother. My aunt had been single and lonely for a long time. Somehow, she started relying on my cousin for the kind of mental and emotional connection that a romantic partner would give. My aunt would overshare about her life, talk graphically about her dating life when she did date, and expect my cousin to give her time and attention like one would expect from a romantic partner. My cousin had to go low-contact for a long time to break that uncomfortable situation.
4. Your identity is tied to your family.
The desire for individuality is one of the worst sins you can commit in an enmeshed family dynamic. Your family members don’t want to see you as a person of your own, nor encourage you to be independent. As parenting experts tell us, this is what separates a close family from an enmeshed family. An enmeshed family wants you dependent on them, to feel like you’re nothing unless you’re part of the unit and agreeable to its demands.
This family identity gives the manipulators a way to control you and keep you in line, to make you compliant. The less individuality you have, the more likely you are to carry their emotional baggage and life’s responsibilities. Furthermore, you may find that your life decisions are based on pleasing your family, such as choice in career, lifestyle, where to live, and romantic relationships. They may compel or bully you into making more family-friendly choices.
5. You are often made to fix your family’s emotional problems.
An emotionally healthy adult should be able to manage their own emotions and work on their problems. Is it okay to need help? Sure. Is it okay to want help from your family? Absolutely. Should you be responsible for making peace after every family fight, encouraging people to talk to one another, or otherwise emotionally caretaking the rest of your family? No.
The emotional health of your family is not your burden to bear. You will eventually find yourself stressed out and frustrated with their lack of effort. Managing your own emotions can be a challenge itself. It’s impossible to manage both your and your family’s mental health long-term.
No one has the emotional space for that.
6. You’re discouraged from having outside relationships and friendships.
Perspective is a powerful thing. Enmeshed families don’t want you to have outside relationships and friendships because then you may get that perspective and realize you’re in an unhealthy situation. The different members of most families will have their own lives, relationships, and responsibilities. They aren’t beholden to their family over everything else. But in an enmeshed family they want you to believe that your family dynamic is normal and that “outsiders just won’t understand it.”
Control of outside connections can happen through anger or subtlety. It could be an outright demand like, “I don’t want you hanging out with that person!” Guilt trips are another common method of manipulation. “I can’t believe you’d rather spend time with them than us!” It may also be just general, subtle manipulation like, “I don’t like that person. Why are you hanging out with them?”
The last method is quite insidious because it’s a way of breaking you down. At some point, you may just get tired of hearing it and stop seeing that outsider just to keep the peace.
7. Your family avoids conflict or blows disagreements out of proportion.
Every family has problems that crop up from time to time. It’s normal when you have a group of individuals because everyone has different perspectives, opinions, and desires. In a healthy family, they should come together to discuss the issue and find a resolution or compromise that works.
However, in an enmeshed family, disagreements are either avoided or they turn into major family crises no matter how big or small. This behavior stems from a collective, subconscious desire to keep the enmeshed unit intact.
The avoidance is pretty self-explanatory, as any conflict can disrupt the unit. On the other hand, the explosion in a major family disagreement is often a form of manipulation and control. After all, why are you causing these problems? Why can’t you just be agreeable so we don’t have to fight like this? An enmeshed family will make it your fault, even if it’s not.
8. You may feel like you can’t leave.
Everyone needs to have the ability to determine how they are going to live their life. An enmeshed family may cause you to feel it’s impossible to set boundaries, move out, reduce family obligations, or pursue outside relationships. After you express these sentiments, you’re likely to experience push-back in the form of manipulation or bullying.
If you’re exposed to this kind of behavior for a long time, you may find that your own mind betrays your desire for independence. You may feel guilt about making your family deal with their own problems, anxiety about what you’ll experience once you’re away, or a deep sense of paralyzing fear. They may have also worked to make you feel as though you can’t handle life away from them. Enmeshment trauma is real, according to Very Well Mind, and can have profound effects.
Your family wants you to feel incompetent and unable so that you won’t leave. The harsh reality is they don’t actually care about you. They only care about how you benefit the family.
Final thoughts…
These signs are stark if you understand what you’re looking at. That can be difficult if you don’t have healthy boundaries. These kinds of behaviors become normal when you’re immersed in them for years at a time. However, they aren’t normal, and you may not be able to see this without some distance.
It’s hard to break free. You will likely need professional support to create space for yourself, set boundaries, and self-advocate. However, you can regain control of your life and live it the way you want to. And even if this is all still confusing, remember that close relationships should make you feel good and empowered, not smothered and controlled.
