Self-improvement is a necessary part of life-long growth. However, it’s easy to shift from self-improvement to self-harm without realizing it. Take dieting, for example. That can easily evolve into an eating disorder when you start controlling calories too much.
It’s important to catch the self-destructive behavior early before it spirals. Dr. Lynn Margolies writes of the importance of breaking the spiral early, otherwise it will not only cause harm, but undermine your future progress.
Understanding the signs of self-destructive behavior can help you identify it early, so you can address the smaller problem before it becomes big. With that in mind, here are 8 signs your self-improvement has become self-destructive:
1. You’re never satisfied with your progress.
No amount of progress ever feels like enough. In extreme cases, you may even feel like you deserve to be punished for not living up to your own expectations, causing you to take more drastic measures. And those measures can be so harmful, like trying to lose weight insidiously shifting to an eating disorder because you don’t feel like your progress is fast enough.
One clear sign of this behavior is the inability to enjoy the progress you’re making. As you progress, you need to stop to take time to celebrate it. People who aren’t satisfied don’t see a reason to celebrate. Instead, they move the goal posts for success. For example, “Instead of losing 10 pounds, I should have lost 20, so I’m going to restrict my calories further.”
2. You compare yourself to others.
Not everyone will get to the same stage of progress in the same amount of time. But instead of celebrating your personal growth, you may compare yourself to others who are further along their journey. As a result, you make yourself feel bad, often as a form of self-punishment for not doing well enough. You may also talk yourself into giving up because, “Why would I bother if I can’t be like them?”
Of course, this is an incredibly unhealthy, self-sabotaging behavior. The world is a big place. There is always someone better than or further along than you. But, the thing to keep in mind is that everyone starts somewhere. They didn’t just arrive where they are at, and neither will you. Furthermore, you’re not in competition with them. The only person you should compete with is who you were yesterday.
A good example of this is when I worked myself into an injury that makes it painful and difficult to exercise my shoulder. Like many people, I tried to lift too heavy, too soon, and I paid the price for that. I didn’t pace myself and now I have to deal with additional weakness and regular pain, probably for the rest of my life. Fun times.
3. Taking a break feels bad.
People who are stuck in a toxic cycle of self-improvement often feel bad taking breaks. It feels like a waste of time and productivity where you could be making progress. Instead of honoring your body’s signs that you should be taking a rest so you can recharge, you instead mentally bully yourself into working through it.
Naturally, this is an incredibly unhealthy behavior. I would write that you need a rest, because you’re not a machine, but even machines need rest and maintenance. Without regular maintenance, the machine breaks down, leading to expensive repairs or replacement, and you can’t replace yourself. Breaks are not just important, but they are necessary if you want healthy progress.
4. You are unkind to yourself over your progress.
Self-improvement should be about growth and loving yourself in a way that makes sense for you. However, if you’re constantly tearing yourself down, you may be doing more harm than good. You can’t look in a mirror and tell yourself, “You’re not good enough. You’re not skinny enough. You’re not smart enough,” and think that will lead to a positive outcome.
Instead, Very Well Mind points out that these feelings can put you on a treadmill of self-destructiveness where not only do you make yourself feel bad, but you may talk yourself into quitting. Now, some people do thrive when trying to amp themselves up, talking to themselves that way. However, balance is needed. Too much is a bad thing. If you feel amped talking to yourself that way, be sure to bring yourself back down by celebrating your effort.
5. You are obsessing over productivity.
You view every second as an opportunity to optimize your progress instead of enjoying the moment. Hobbies, rest, and relaxation may be turned into things that need to be “useful” or enjoyable. You may feel that any time you don’t spend pursuing your progress is just wasted time and opportunity.
Of course, this self-destructive behavior robs you of rest, recovery, and the enjoyment of things that could be giving you pleasure. Hobbies are supposed to be fun, not productive or a side hustle. Rest and relaxation should be a time when you can stop thinking about your progress for a little while and instead focus just on enjoying the moment so you can recharge your batteries.
6. You start feeling anxious about falling behind.
You may find that you develop a fear that you aren’t doing enough, which leaves you in a regular state of anxiety. That can easily tie in with a lack of personal satisfaction and obsession over productivity. It feels like any missed opportunity, any missed time, any scheduled item is a dramatic and drastic setback. What if your progress gets disrupted? What if you can’t continue doing what you’re doing?
The truth is that a missed opportunity or effort isn’t the end of the world. Life is busy and these kinds of things happen. The important thing to keep in mind is to get right back into your scheduled progress and putting in the work. One day won’t harm you, but you can hurt yourself if you spiral into quitting or pushing too hard to feel like you’re keeping up.
7. You tie your identity to personal growth.
You are setting yourself up for failure if you believe that you’re failing if you’re not improving. Instead of self-acceptance, you are tying your self-worth to your achievements and progress. That is a recipe for failure because you’re just not always going to progress. In many cases, for most people, you will hit plateaus in your progress. Then what?
Then the anxiety kicks in. “What’s wrong? What am I doing wrong? How can I do this better?” And then the negative self-talk starts. “I’m so stupid, why can’t I figure this out? I’m not working hard enough because I’m lazy. I need to restrict my calories more because I’m too fat.”
In many cases, a stall in progress is just your body trying to catch up to the effort you’re putting in. Anyone who’s engaged in long-term self-improvement can tell you that plateaus are a normal part of it.
8. You ignore your mental and physical health.
Meaningful self-improvement happens in balance. Not only do you need to work on yourself, but you need to honor your physical and mental health, too. Sleep, nutrition, friendships, and mental well-being are all important parts of your overall health. They provide a counterbalance to the hard work that you’re putting in so you can make steady progress over a long period of time.
But what happens if you don’t respect your health? Well, you’re self-sabotaging your progress. You’re burning yourself out. You’re making it so much harder to improve because you’re mentally exhausted, lonely, hungry, or beating your immune system down from stress. How are you going to improve yourself if you’re miserable all the time?
The simple answer is – you won’t. Self-improvement is holistic and best done with balance. Like most things in life, too much is unhealthy, too little isn’t enough, and the right balance will lead you to success.
Final thoughts…
Self-improvement should empower you, not exhaust you. Granted, sometimes self-improvement is tiring, but tiring differs from exhaustion in length of time. Everyone gets tired and it should pass with a little time. Exhaustion lingers and affects you for a longer time. You can improve yourself without exhausting yourself.
Remember to love yourself, care for yourself, and celebrate your improvement as you progress. Remember that self-improvement and being “enough,” can (and should) coexist. All things in balance.
